The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project:  Sunday School Musical, the Asylum's attempt at appeasing both idiots who liked the High School Musical franchise and idiots who liked the burgeoning trend of crappy Christian movies.

• The opening of this movie is strange: it's a test pattern and an ear-piercing sine wave for a minute exactly. Then, there's a card that states some of the technical info, and then the movie proper starts a minute and 30 seconds in.
  
• Why does this seem like the most generic contest information I've ever heard in a movie?
  
• I've heard that one of the most notable flaws in the movie is that the only choirs that sound decent are the ones with black people. And they make it clear that this is going to be the case 10 minutes in. The diverse choir has a semi-energetic take on "This Little Light of Mine," but the white choir does a round that's just barely listenable and they get into the competition despite them looking like they barely even give a shit.
  
• And those kids barely seem to give a shit about their single mom losing her job. Zachary only seems to give a shit when it means he might have to move to another part of town.
  
• And why do they have two clearly separate scenes on the rooftop right next to each other? And, for whatever reason, I thought that, instead of randomly dancing, he'd re-enact this scene from Fearless
  
  
  
• Wait, they're suddenly making this into a proper musical 16 minutes in? And is that girl blaming him for the fact that he has to move, even though his mother has no job? What a bitch!
  
• And about that shortening, here's an easier way: keep it in the fridge, make  a note of the markings, and cut it with a knife. Also, this is where I referencing a better movie would have helped. They're bickering about the proper way to crack an egg when the movie Sabrina settled that debate 50 years prior:
  
  
  
• Huh. Now he goes to school at the same motel MLK was shot at.
  
• ... If Zack could take a bus to his old apartment building just so he could mope on the rooftop, why couldn't he just take the bus to participate in his old school choir?
  
• You're doing Bio homework? In an Evangelical Christian school? It doesn't matter, you're fucked anyway. 
  
• You know what'd be a better symbolic way of getting rid of your troubles? Make a meat pie, pretend the meat is your adversaries, watch them bake, and assume power over them when you eat them. It worked when I first read Joe vs. Elan School.
  
• Okay, now I wish I'd watched a documentary on Leonardo's "Last Supper."
  
• Oh, my fucking God, there's zero discipline with this choir, many of them are off pitch, all are off time, and the ones that aren't are just lip-syncing very poorly. It's like that fucking cover of "Imagine" if everybody was singing at the same time.
  
• And a new random non-conflict in this movie, apparently Zack is developing astigmatism. 
  
• I know from personal experinece that those railings above the men's room stalls might not be capable of holding a kid's weight.
  
• The lip-sync in this film is so shit that I can barely tell whether the characters are supposed to be singing them or if it's just in their heads like in Quadrophenia.
  
• Also, is it just me (he who likes the Langley School Music Project and "Gassenhauer") that this musical number barely makes any use of the Orff xylophone that's in the music room?
  
• Is Miles deluded or is he literally tone-deaf? If the latter, why the fuck is he in the choir. 
  
• Well, technically, it was probably the washer that shrunk her shirt.
  
• God will only put as much on your plate as you can handle? A doctrine ripped off from the Stoics and slapped onto a belief system that repudiates the main reason it worked.
  
• Love and Unity. What do they mean? Are they a foreshadowing of the idea that both of the choirs from the beginning are going to merge so they can compete?
  
• Also, I can't help but notice that their sermon on Colossians 3 misses "Meekness" when they listed the virtues Christians should clothe themselves in.
  
• At least their performance of "Christ Be My Leader" has some discipline now. 
  
• Why would you join the rival choir? Because your old church can no longer afford to send you to the State competition and this is the only way you can follow your dream?
  
• She's too shy to sing. Why the fuck is she part of the choir?
  
• Somehow,  I'm only just now noticing that Zack's speaking voice clearly doesn't match his singing voice.
  
• How is that other choir "three-time winner" material? Is it that their pianist can somehow make a Hammond Organ sound like a Fender Rhodes piano?
  
• So, in all their attempts at justifying merging the two choirs, is there a reason they can't just explain that Hawthorne Choir is no more?
  
• Why is there a guy in military garb there? Is that Zack's dad that got mentioned an hour ago and never since then?
  
• And, alas, those girls who did kicks high enough to have their skirts twirl up were wearing underwear.
  
• Wow. They're supposed to be the sort of choir that rubs their three-year winning streak in everybody's faces, but the one time they're supposed to do anything, they decide they need to give their award to the combined choir.
  

Given that it's close to the end of the month, it's a bit early to decide what next week's movie, but it will be Sci-Fi. In more immediate terms, though, I'm going to give you a hint as to the next movie I'm going to watch: "I'm Harley Quinn, I'm impetuous, I give people footjobs at random!"