The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Dragon Ball Evolution. I have never watched a single episode of the original series. I'm familiar with some of the things about it, including a couple of the memes, but, frankly, as much as I like anime, the idea of an anime that lasts for several hundred episodes (the three original series that aired before this film alone make a total of 515 episodes) is a level of commitment that terrifies me. Fortunately, this American spinoff has nothing to do with the original series.

• The first rule is there are no rules. I guess this is the filmmakers admitting that they're playing fast and loose with the original canon. Starting with that extreme closeup of the white guy I think might be Goku, even though he looks nothing like Goku.
  
• Yep, the white dude wearing typical American teenager clothes is Goku. And given that a lot of characters in anime end up looking white, I'm not sure if this counts of whitewashing. And why isn't he blonde?
  
• So, there's a white guy named Fuller and an American high school. Why do I get the feeling that there was nothing like this in the original anime.
  
• You know, I wonder how far this American high school is from that Japanese country home.
  
• And why is this a Japanese sci-fi remake of I'm Not Scared all of a sudden?
  
• Chi Chi is a stupid/abnormal name... why do I get the feeling this is culturally insensitive?
  
• Well, that locker opening stunt is going to cause a lot of chaos for everyone whose shit fell out.
  
• You made Fuller so angry he just decided to re-enact Michael Jackson's "Black or White" video!
  
• So, Piccolo gets pissed at not finding the Dragon Ball, so he destroys grandpa's house? Is he this petty in the original source material?
  
• And why is the house intact enough for Goku to move around in (and even have the food prepared the previous night still intact) when it was previously a pile of rubble?
  
• Bulma Briefs? You know, I'd say that was a preposterous name, but given that I know for a fact that that was her actual name in canon (give or take an "s"), I'll let that slide.
  
• Well, Goku's pitching this plea to help save the universe like he's reading off a cue card.
  
• So, Master Roshi lives in the house on Paper Street? 
  
• Wow. Chi Chi just made this random dude do a Wilhelm Scream.
  
• So, they evidently have the same magic system from Avatar: The Last Airbender? And I checked it:  in the show, they're called Ki attacks.
  
• One more outburst like that, and the bad guy's out of here? Then do it again!
  
• That's somehow the most badass looking blood donation I've ever seen.
  
• Also, why doesn't Piccolo put on something purple like in the anime? Or at least the Piccolo Dick meme? That said, if only they put as much effort into the rest of this movie as they did making James Marsden's face look vaguely like Piccolo.
  
• Why is nobody getting fried by that lava?
  
• Sifu Norris? You know, of all the adaptations of anime that could do with a black face, the one with a character notorious for looking like a racist stereotype is not one of them. To be fair, Ernie Hudson looks like a normal black person and not something out of a poster for a minstrel show.
  
• Wait, how did Piccolo get the other Dragon Balls? 
  
• So, the day is saved by Goku being himself so he can stop from turning into Oozaru, which allows him to be both Oozaru and himself?
  
• Why can't Piccolo use his telekinesis to get one of the balls when it rolls away when he was willing to use it to destroy Gohan's house?
  
• Why is the Kamehameha attack so underwhelming? 
  

And I'm going to spin the wheel for the next week's comedy film. And of the four choices, the wheel picked: Best Night Ever, wherein Seltzerberg decided to make a mockbuster of Project X for whatever reason.