The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, belatedly, and after several days where I seriously considered dropping the whole bloody thing after the forums crashed and I lost access to 3+ years of posts regarding over a hundred  horrible films, is Tentacolino. What's Tentacolino? Well, I have to go back a few years. In 1997, James Cameron directed Titanic, and after it became the highest-grossing film of all time it not only spawned a shitton of imitators. Most notoriously, a cycle of animated movies ripping it off, each one more batshit than the last. The first one Titanic: The Legend Goes On includes a shitton of plot points ripped off of Disney movies, Mexican mice, a rapping dog, and a happily ever after ending for every named character but one. The second one The Legend of the Titanic has most of those things, plus a convoluted plot to sink the ship because whales, and an ending where a dog-faced octopus foils the sinking by holding the ship together. And this is its sequel.

• Yep, the compositing of the Cel-animated ship on the CGI water is obvious shit.
  
• It's nice to know that in 1915, two random survivors of the Titanic could search for the wreck in technology that wouldn't exist for decades and that there's no big global conflict that makes it dangerous for ships that aren't even affiliated with it to be there.
  
• This rap number makes less sense than the rapping dog in Legend Goes On
  
• I'd complain about how random these sharks' dislike of the color yellow is, but it turns out that they're attracted to any color that stands out in the ocean.
  
• I think these clams are like the slugs in Caroline. Though at least these ones could at least do backing vocals.
  
• Sharks are that concerned about dental hygeine, even when they lose and regrow the damn things all the time.
  
• So, why does Baron Vandertilt care about this random mission to find the Titanic? His plan was already foiled, and it's not like they're going to find new evidence against him.
  
• Ottie? Don't you mean Tentacolino? The character from the previous movie who didn't belong there? The one you named the movie after? And you change its name?
  
  
  
• Yep. This movie's about Atlantis.
  
• And how much air is still in the bathysphere? Did they remember anything since the commercial break?
  
• Captain Planet's riding an underwater horse (not to be confused with a seahorse) and several of his compatriots are riding fucking dinosaurs underwater.
  
• In fairness, I'd probably be freaking out if I woke up and saw this insanity.
  
• A gay fish on a spring and they also have Chairy from Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and what generation Pokemon has the otter-stingray hybrid with a lightning bolt on its chest?
  
• Wow. An leader that has no face and may not even has a corporeal form. Why do I get the feeling that this is going to make Atlantis seem more menacing than they intended? Besides their plotting to have the survivors of the previous movie  stay there forever, I mean?
  
• Wow, That drink's such a pretty colour, one that I've seen used to colour liquid weed-whacker.
  
• So, Atlantis has living toys? And why is a God like Neptune subordinate to Atlantis' king?
  
• And why do the mice sound a lot younger than they did in the first movie?
  
• As someone whose circadians appear to be more inclined towards sleeping in the daytime and staying up at night, I'm not sure how bad it is?
  
• Who turned Noel Coward into a castrato toy fish?
  
• And why is it techno all of a sudden? And why does it keep switching genres all the time?
  
• And only now do they get told they can't leave Atlantis?
  
• Wait, the "mythical Titanic?" So they don't even believe it was a thing? Even as royalty went on it and witnessed its sinking?
  
• And now the mice have their own villains, in the form of a pirate and a Chinese rat with a queue in his hair and an atrocious accent.
  
• Don't you just love when you see hand-drawn animation and part of the scenery starts looking radically different from the rest because the characters are actually going to use it? It's just one of those charming things about hand-drawn animation that seems to have gone extinct with the rise of CGI.
  
• Why does this tunnel ride remind me of that scene from the Venture Brothers where Jonas Sr. was guiding a bunch of orphans on a tour of the compound and the computer releases a shitton of hallucinogenic gas and the adults all leave them in a bomb shelter for 30 years?
  
• How do they not know they can swim, breathe, and talk underwater at this point?
  
• All prisoners have the right to escape? Do you even know what prisoners are?
  
• The rat king seems to make sense, especially about how he hates everyone in this movie, but how the fuck is becoming immortal going to make them rule the world?
  
• Screwdrivers have all been banned? Why? 
  
• Oh, so by Meccano set, you mean an Erector set.
  
• All we have to do is win. So, I think we know where Putin's trained his military advisors.
  
• So, I take it that the green colour of the elixir of life is the exact same as water.
  
• So they kept their Elixir of Life without a guard for 200 years because nobody was interested in guarding the secret to eternal life?
  
• The dog's reaction to most of his screentime in the last act of the film:
  
  
  
• Also, if they didn't already have The elixir of Life, why haven't they drowned?
  
• And now the Mermen of Atlantis have lasers.
  
• And, of course, they don't understand that telegraphs are supposed to be short and to the point. No wonder that squid is exhausted.
  
• Flintlock laser guns?
  
• And now we have a cross-dressing Scotsman acting as a high-ranking military leader. And why does the curse prevent him from taking off his wig? And when he does, why does he look even less Scottish than he did before?
  
• And why do his bagpipes play "Into the Woods"?
  
• You know, those anmesiac sailors have a point: what's going on?
  
• And how did they stay underwater all this time if they didn't already have the elixir of life?
  
• And now, instead of being forced to live underwater, now they have to live on the wreck of the Titanic on "The Forgotten Island" with even less in the way of infrastructure.
  
• And now, it looks like the rats are living in an insane asylum.
  
• Also, the beginning of the previous movie establishes that one of the mice manages to grow old and have a family that isn't on the ship (and we know this because they're taught the "official story" of the sinking of the Titanic, one which couldn't work if they were living on the wreck of the Titanic on "The Forgotten Island"). So, how does that work if they're living on the wreck of the TItanic for the rest of eternity? Hell, the fact that he ages in that frame story is fundamentally incompatible with the eternal life granted by the Elixir of life. I think this may be the first time I've seen a sequel so fundamentally incompatible with the first movie.
  

And next week, I'm going straight to horror (I did the Comedy and Action movies the past couple weeks prior, and I'm saving the one drama left for Pride Month, at least assuming that it's still on Tubi in June). And if all goes well, in a few days, I'll cover Snakes on a Train.