The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Snakes on a Train, also known as What Do You Mean There's No Point in Making a Mockbuster Of A Movie That's Already Schlocky? or maybe Huggy Bear's Favourite Porno. Yes, this was a mockbuster of Snakes on a Plane, one released 3 days before the actual film.

• I'm just saying, maybe the Mojave desert isn't the best place to film your Biblical epic.
  
• It takes 3 minutes for there to be any dialogue in this movie and it's in a combination of unsubtitled Spanish and unsubtitled some other language that's either Arabic or some Native American language (spoken by a guy who looks like Jesus), but could also be a different dialect of Spanish. And, as a result, after all this time, I have no idea why the guy's making this woman puke green Jell-o. Or what those random close-ups of snakes have to do with anything.  
  
• It's kind of awkward that the racist is the only person I'm giving a shit about because at least I can understand what he's even saying.
  
• Also, those snakes don't seem all that intimidating. This could just be the non-herpetologist in me, and the fact that it's shot in darkness, but that just looks too small to be much of a problem.
  
• Huh. This train line's announcements sound like I'm approaching the periphery shield.
  
• And all of a sudden, they actually speak English? Maybe that would have come in handy when they were talking with the racist.
  
• You know, for a movie that exists to rip off Snakes on a Plane, this is proving bizarrely gritty.
  
• And it takes 20 minutes for us to actually get an explanation for what's going on: a woman is under a Mayan curse that causes snake eggs to hatch inside her and they either try to eat their way out of her or get puked out. They're trying to get to LA because there's a Mayan shaman who can lift the curse. Apparently, they have to keep the snakes she regurgitates in glass jars because they're apparently a part of her somehow.
  
• Maybe the guy should have been clued to the fact that there's something he should not be fucking with when he saw the woman puking up chocolate syrup.
  
• Turning chocolate syrup into Green Jell-O in a single shot, the lamest magic trick in history!
  
• Fun Fact: Apparently, during one shooting day, the set was invaded by a stampede of cattle. Somehow, I get the impression that this would be a better movie than the one we got.
  
• You know, would a snake even get that far on a train? I mean, between cars? I know there's gangways between cars, but they're in the luggage car. Does there tend to be a gangway between the luggage car and the publicly accessible sections of the train?
  
• And now the snakes the woman regurgitates have to be kept together in glass jars for whatever cure the shaman has to work. 
  
• "Open the Box. Someone told me it's called the Lament Configuration or something."
  
• Okay, I had a yawn and all of a sudden Jesus is pulling out a guy's heart from his chest with Troma-level special effects and it's infested with baby snakes.
  
• What's his deal? Obviously, he comes from a timeline where Brad Pitt's character from 12 Monkeys decided to become a cowboy.
  
• Silencio, Silencio, No hay Banda, No Hay Banda. And if you got that, you probably have good taste in film.
  
• Cowboy Brad Pit is really rapey, it turns out. And this leads to the most boring sexual assault in cinematic history.
  
• Wait, looking at that one snake, it looks like at least some are definitely harmless. Red to black, friend to Jack, Red to Yellow, kill a fellow. That one snake is definitely a friend to Jack.
  
• That wasn't a little girl, dude. That was a grown woman he was raping.
  
• Is it just me or does the audio sound like it's clipping a lot of the time? 
  
• Well that was an ass pull of a twist: the woman turns into a giant snake and eats the train. Fun Fact: this scene was apparently added just to appease audiences in Japan.
  
• No, she's not wrapping the train around her, she's just eating it the normal way.
  
• Is that the vortex from the Director's Cut of Donnie Darko? And are the even going to explain how they escaped the train after the snake woman ate it?
  

And so, next week, because there's only two sci-fi movies eligible for the Project left on Tubi, and R.O.T.O.R. looks more interesting than Rollerball 2002, I'll be watching that movie. Hell, given that Paul Verhoeven has said that Robocop, which it seems like a direct ripoff of is an allegory for Jesus, maybe this is a fitting film for the week following Easter. Maybe I should have done that, but it's too late now.

And, just to be on the safe side, I decided to check what films are left on Tubi for the Project:

Action: Hangmen

Comedy:

• Deck the Halls (Netflix)
  
• InAPPropriate Comedy
  
• Joe Piscopo: A Night at Club Piscopo
  
• Surf School
  
• Swept Away
  

Drama: Singing Forest [PRIDE MONTH]

Horror:

• Alice in Murderland
  
• Arachnicide
  
• Creepozoids
  
• Curse of Pirate Death
  
• Destination: Infestation
  
• Devilman 2004
  
• Hobgoblins
  
• House of the Dead (Hulu)
  
• I Spit on Your Grave: Deja Vu
  
• Monster
  
• Shark Exorcist [SHARK WEEK]
  
• The Source (Pluto/Tubi)
  

Sci-Fi:

• R.O.T.O.R. [NEXT WEEK]
  
• Rollerball 2002
  

Youth:

• Cry Wilderness 
  
• Home Alone 4 (Disney+) [XMAS]
  
• Home Sweet Home Alone (Disney+) [XMAS]
  
• Leo the Lion (Amazon Prime)
  
• Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain 
  
• Zoo Wars