The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Hangmen. It's apparently the film debut of an actress named Sandra Bullock. Also, she plays alongside Jake LaMotta. Yes, the guy DeNiro played in Raging Bull.

• Incredible, the very first thing I noticed about this movie is that it's the sort of movie where you need the captions on to tell whether a sound is the roar of an airplane engine or the hiss of the VHS this was no doubt transferred from.
  
• Wow. All that guy needed to do was just move his machine gun around and he managed to kill four or five people. Didn't even need to fire the damn thing more than twice before the floor got all bloody. I mean, look, three of those bodies have pools of blood around them and he only fired two shots. And two other people are still dead.
  
• So, here's what I think happened in that opening scene: the guy somehow managed to only fire two bullets. Somehow, the gun shots managed to get through two or three people (depending on which bullet was fired), and then finally ended up in two of the others, which explains how two bullets can create five dead bodies, and leave three blood puddles. Either that or they're just that shit.  
  
• And the first glimpse we get of her is one guy hassling her over sex, and a second guy making jokes about raping her. She's somehow more okay with the latter. 
  
• So now we get to see how the college plot and the spy movie plot get together.
  
• He didn't even lock the fucking bathroom door? Not even to escape?
  
• Is there going to be a single believable gunshot in this movie? 
  
• Did they just try and do a lawsuit-friendly version of Pink Floyd's "One of these Days?"
  
• Dog Thompson? That's a name I haven't heard in years. Or am I thinking about Dog Chapman?
  
• I was Mrs. Greene?
  
• You know, good thing the audio in this is so shit, otherwise Mom's screams of terror would actually be believable. And it's not even the kind of shit audio that screams "Oh, we just happened to be recording this when something disturbing happened."
  
• Just tell them I'm here. Even though I'm currently on the run and have people coming after me for no good reason.
  
• Don't shoot in the Junkyard, Coldplay are making a music video there!
  
• I've always wanted to make this reference, and, fortunately, they're finally giving me an opportunity:
  
  
  
• People don't go around killing people for no reason? I'm subscribed to a bunch of true crime channels with living proof that this premise is bullshit.
  
• This kid is just randomly assembling a group of his Dad's 'Nam buddies to defeat this spy ring. Why the fuck not?
  
• Okay, it looks like they actually managed to kill the fuck out of that pillow. Just not the two random people fucking in the bed. Funny thing, I recently discovered a channel called The Kino Corner, and he has multiple videos about, of all films, Christopher Nolan's Following. It was his first film and it had a budget of about $6000, all of which was spent on film stock. And, because of this limitation, there was nothing left for special effects, so, instead of guns, the big weapons used in that movie are ordinary hammers that they had lying around. Meanwhile, this is a movie with a real gun fetish, but almost nothing to make the gunplay look real. That's one Hell of a deadly combination.
  
• And now we're back to Sandra Bullock. And all of a sudden, it's mid-winter now.
  
• Does that guy keep a lollipop in his gun case? Nope, that's apparently supposed to be a blow dart, one that looks even worse than the guns.
  
• I can understand keeping the part where Sandra Bullock's succumbing to the tranquiliser dart's effects in slo-mo, but why the kidnapping, and why the parts that aren't from her point of view?
  
• The Vietcong gave him that rifle? Or maybe they just took it from them, since apparently the AK-47 was far more reliable than the guns the US military was issuing at that time.
  
• Why is that guy Australian?
  
• Jesus Fuck, I've never used a gun in my life and even I know that you don't point the barrel of a gun at people, especially if you're just pretending.
  
• Brillo Head? That's an ethnic slur I've never heard before.
  
• Well, that scene with Jake LaMotta is easily the best part of the movie.
  
• Man, someone just shot up Pile Of Electronics State.
  
• The chiaroscuro lighting in this big warehouse fight would work a lot better if there were more chiaro and a bit less scuro. Just enough so I could tell what the fuck is happening. Maybe this looked better in 1987, but I doubt it.
  
• What tapes are you talking about? The version of this movie where we can actually understand the dialogue?
  

And next week is going to be a big movie with zero excuse to be this bad: the 2002 remake of Swept Away.  It's been close to two years since I saw her first movie A Certain Sacrifice and decided it was the worst movie I had ever seen. And now, we're bookending her career with another film that's Deep Hurting Project levels of bad.