The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Leo the Lion. It's an Italian ripoff of The Lion King that got a dub by the Weinstein Company. Well, it's Pride month and before we get to the actual gay stuff, we might as well start with something that involves a pride, even if it is just a pride of lions.

• Leo the lion preferred to eat grass. And he died shortly after deciding this because of malnutrition.
  
• It's a bit strange that Leo's mother tried to teach him to hunt, especially since it's the females who do the bulk of the hunting. Indeed, it's only fairly recently that we found out male lions hunted at all.
  
• Why does he need to be safe in the heart of the jungle? It's a fucking apex predator and there's no humans in sight. Hell, looking on Wikipeia's article on Apex Predators, a picture of a lion is the first thing we see.
  
• And between going on a diet that runs counter to a lion's nutritional needs and staying far away from water, Leo died even quicker than previously anticipated, but not quick enough for there to not be an hour left in this movie.
  
• Why are the monkeys wearing Rasta hats?
  
• Who the Christ is narrating? Apparently, it's Uncle Lope, but there's occasional cutaways that look like Leo's the one narrating.
  
• Apparently, the elephant babies imprinted on  Leo.
  
  
  
• You know, it's one thing that everyone has human-like teeth, but do they all have to be so prominent? And why did Uncle Lope's teeth almost fall out? How did he even get dentures in the wild?
  
• Why is this a musical now? It's about a quarter way through the film. All I know is the lyrics sound more like a song about Harvey Weinstein.
  
• I'm sorry, I got a bit sidetracked looking for clips from the episode of Regular Show where Rigby has a bunch of baby ducks imprint on him that I must have forgotten that Leo now has a baby leopard and chimp baby following him.
  
• X-Trange? Is that supposed to mean something?
  
• The second musical number was so bad that the only hints I even got that it was supposed to be a song until about a minute in are the rhyming and the subtitles.
  
• Okay, now I just figured out that the elephant babies have their tails tied together, and they have to cross a long with one walking backwards and the other walking forwards like a Pushme-Pullyu. And I remember that according to the So Bad It's Horrible page on TVTropes, it ends with a song about how Leo's a vegetarian... is this supposed to be an homage to Doctor Dolittle?
  
• What's with all the random slo-mo?
  
• Why would the vultures be drawn to the babies? They'd have to be close to dead for that to be on their radar, and not just starting to get hungry.
  
• Oh, yeah, I forgot, Maximus has a dart in his ass. And how did the hunters who were looking for him manage to lose track of him long enough for him to go to the elephant graveyard
  
• The elephants are dancing to royalty-free Blues. Why the fuck not? 
  
• So, Leo has to force the zebra mom to give him and the babies some milk. Why do I get the feeling this is what attracted Harvey Weinstein to this movie?
  
• Leo, we need to see this: this rainbow  goes Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Red, Orange, Yellow! I've never seen something like this before!
  
• That chameleon's randomly teleporting short distance. And why does it have a Tudor neck ruff that keeps changing colour? And why does it keep changing heads?
  
• You know, having to get into the Heart of the Jungle via a rainbow, even if it's just Indigo, Violet, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Green with no blue makes it a surprisingly fitting choice for Pride Month.
  
• Huh. As intelligent as the chameleon is supposed to be, she delivered the elephant babies right to Maximus. And are we still going to ignore how he was shot in the ass by humans who wanted to take him to the zoo?
  
• Why do I get the feeling that Maximus wants to say something like "I'll rape your daughter on your grave"?
  
• And Uncle Lope is dying now for some reason, why the fuck not?
  
• How did they not figure out that Leo is a vegetarian when the babies were born?
  
• The lion mentioned foul play? When? He just said there was a fire. And how the fuck does he know that the Elephant king betrayed by Maximus? And how does this lead to the circle painted on her forehead falling off?
  
• Well, whaddayaknow, the hunters decided they had to use more than one dart to capture Maximus.
  
• And, of course it ends with Leo fucking the elephant. Of course it does.
  
• And the power of love unties the elephant babies' tails. Why the fuck not.
  
• And at least there's one plus over the song about vegetarianism from Dr. Dolittle: Leo at least sings.
  
  
  

And next week, we're going to take on Dennis Rodman vehicle Simon Sez. And after that, Ellen DeGeneres pretending to be a straight woman in Mr. Wrong and a really fucking creepy gay Holocaust romance that also happens to be the last movie on Metacritic to hit a perfect 1: The Singing Forest