The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Simon Sez. It's a buddy cop movie starring Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. Does this even look like it could be a good movie?

• And we start with a title sequence that looks like it could have been made in Windows Movie Maker. 
  
• Why do European police call themselves Interpol? Because their jurisdiction covers almost all countries (except North Korea, Palau, Tuvalu, Kosovo, Taiwan, and Western Sahara.)
  
• This banter is absolute dogshit, thank Christ the movie's only 85 minutes long. And why are they wearing monk's cowls?
  
• What kind of man kills another man's fly? A sensible person? Which leaves open the question of what kind of man kills a fly with a sword.
  
• And why are the monks dancing? 
  
• Dane Cook's reintroducing himself to Dennis Rodman and he's so fucking obnoxious that I'm starting to wish the monks were back.
  
• So, I have autism, and I'm starting to suspect that I might have Schizoid Personality Disorder in addition, and I have to say, if you want to know what having to do small talk is like for me, just watch this:
  
  
  
• So, is comparing a transman to Chewbacca transphobic or not?
  
• Enjoy Drew while you can, Dane Cook. She's going to end up giving birth and she's going to hit the wall HARD.
  
• Strange thing: the villain seems to be played by a French boy band singer and he acts like he's on the spectrum. Dafuq?
  
• How many fucking animal noises is Dane Cook going to make in this movie?
  
• Why the fuck does he think the monks are the voice of God? Doesn't he know that he's part of their operation? Or that they're clearly not God?
  
• Wow. The monks got a big bump in sympathy by trying to kill Dane Cook.
  
• He's supposed to approve? Is his father The Master?
  
• Who is this rapper and why does he sound like the guy from that Cronenberg episode of Rick and Morty who loves Morty and hopes Morty loves him?
  
• Ringing a huge tower bell to get someone's attention and standing right next to it. Someone's going to end up damaging his ears for life.
  
• For a better 90s movie about a guy who kidnaps his love interest, watch Buffalo 66. It's also on Tubi, it actually works as a comedy, and when the main character acts abrasive, there's a good chance it's by design. 
  
• Gagging someone with a potato?
  
• Funny thing, I just watched 500 Days of Summer last night and it's making me seriously wonder if there's some sort of unreliable narration at play, like this is Dane Cook's elaborate fantasy about trying to get back his girlfriend from someone she's actually willingly dating.
  
• That's a very fake looking parachute, Bruce.
  
• I'm starting to wonder if this is the movie Russell Jones II was watching and using to create his bizarre interrogation persona.
  
  
  Seriously, since this video dropped, I've been certain Russell was trying to channel some character in a movie he watched when he was putting on this act, but I haven't been able to put my finger on which one. The Joker comes up a lot in the comments of the video, but I can't imagine that he'd ever be this protective of Harley Quinn.
• I haven't seen such a weird interplay of sex and gunplay since A Certain Sacrifice.
  
• And who is this girl and why does she look like Franka Potente cosplaying as the blonde from Ladylike?
  
• How does one lose an entire girl? Maybe she just has agency?
  
• Why are the bad guy's henchmen Vladimir and Estragon?
  
• And now the monks and Dane Cook are in quicksand in a tunnel. Why the fuck not?
  
• Of course he's saving the white guy over you; he's the one with top billing.
  
• Why does this Corsican farmer's accent sound like he's Indian?
  
• Is the software the bad guy's been after the whole time just this Microsoft Bob horseshit? 
  
• Blowing up the Eiffel Tower? Who's paying him, Guy de Maupassant? 
  
• And we end on the idea of the fat monk being an exotic dancer. You know, I'm painfully aware that Graham Linehan's squandered all the goodwill he made from creating three of the greatest sitcoms ever by turning into a full-time transphobic gobshite, but this clip from Father Ted couldn't be more apropos:
  
  
  

And next week, we finally get into the gay stuff this Pride Month with Ellen DeGeneres' Mr. Wrong (wherein she plays one of the least plausible heterosexuals this side of that one coworker I had who liked going to titty bars, ended up getting engaged to another woman, and still insisted she was straight), and the week after will include probably the worst gay movie ever made, The Singing Forest, which somehow ended up getting a Tubi release a few months ago after two decades in rightly-deserved obscurity.