The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Dracula 3000. I chose this instead of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation because yesterday, I went to Half Price Books and I saw it in the clearance rack. 

• I think that barely-watchable shot of what looks like Dick van Patten freaking out while holding a crucifix in space all happening within the cover of The Secret?
  
• Evidently, this movie is basically Alien except with the main characters being given names from the original Dracula novel.
  
• So, you have Udo Kier in your vampire movie and you don't even have him play the vampire?
  
  
  
• Coolio is the biggest hoodrat stereotype, one who won't stop talking about his dick, and why the fuck did he get into this space program? And do people still call each other Daddy-O in the year 3000?
  
• You can only recieve incoming messages? Is recieving outgoing messages even possible?
  
• Can you even use a hookah in space? 
  
• Casper van Dien calls the black guy on the crew that isn't Coolio "big, black, and ugly," and tells him that's the only reason he puts up with him. Our hero!
  
• Of course, there's no snakes in space. They'd be dead in a couple minutes at the very best.
  
• They banned Christianity in 2800? I wonder what led to that? 
  
• Is it just me or does that skeleton look like it's plastic?
  
• Fucking Christ, it took them until 2950 for the people of Earth to legalize weed?  Also, is it weird that the two black guys are the only ones obsessed with pot?
  
• Wait, did Russia go back to the USSR at some point in this timeline? 
  
• Wow. An entire room on this spaceship with dozens of coffins. I hope this actually comes into play later in the movie and that the movie isn't so incompetent that they're not even going to follow up.
  
• Those coffins have to be flimsy as fuck if all it takes is a guy stomping on the lid to open it up.
  
• They like snorting human ashes, too?
  
• Why is the big black dude so reluctant to help reset Coolio's leg?
  
• Coolio makes the most preposterous vampire since Edward Cullen.
  
• Dude, she's shooting the vampire. He's just clearly immune to bullets.
  
• Coolio wants to kill Aurora. But he wants to titty-fuck her first.
  
• Why the fuck is that vampire just there now? And why is he just some random pasty guy in a cape I could probably get at Spirit when they come back in season?
  
• Hey, vampire, are you even going to answer her question about who you are?
  
• Why is there a canvas of the Soviet Flag?
  
• The ship came from the planet Transylvania? Isn't that in the transsexual galaxy?
  
• How the fuck did she know anything about Orlock? And why are they even naming it Orlock? As a nod to Nosferatu? Why isn't Casper van Dien's character named Bulwer, or the Professor Harding, or Mina Murray Ellen Hutter? Just saying, if you're going to homage a classic of German Expressionist cinema, why not go all the way?
  
• Of all the things the black guy wants to know, it's the race of the vampire?
  
• Why is the blonde girl suddenly horribly dubbed?
  
• Are they looking up past versions of Dracula so they can find out what's going on? 
  
• So, Vampire!Coolio does a speech about how black people should stick together so he can get the other guy to set him free so he can attack him. There's some racist subtext here, but I'm not sure what it is.
  
• Comptonian? Is that a planet now too? 
  
• Caspar van Dien is really fucking stupid if he thinks repeatedly shooting Coolio is going to kill him. Even after trying and failing at point-blank range multiple times.
  
• All those fucking coffins are full of ashes. Of course they are. What a convenient time-waster.
  
• Also, Nina Harker, who barely even appeared in this movie, is apparently a vampire now. And she gets killed by a pool cue almost immediately after being discovered.
  
• How convenient that there's an entire room full of crucifixes on this ship.
  
• It took "come walk with me" for the Professor to almost fall under the spell of Orlock?
  
• And what a twist, Van Helsing becomes a vampire. 
  
• Does the pool cue have to stay in a vampire's heart for it to stay dead? This may be a thing in other vampire films, but I find this ridiculous.
  
• Why did that fucking coffin explode?
  
• So, I just figured out: part of their plan is to pilot their spaceship close enough to a sun to make Orlock die. So, how exactly are they going to expose him when there's no windows apparent on the ship? Well, it turns out that they're going to crash into one of them, and we find this out because one of the black guys carries the blonde girl (over his shoulder) to have sex, and then the ship explodes.
  

Next week, another bastardisation of a 19th century literary classic with Golden Films' adaptation of Hunchback of Notre Dame.