The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Golden Films' mockbuster of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

• It's not even a second in and they're already assaulting our ears.
  
• Huh. The Romani were targeted with genocide in the Disney version, and here, everyone loves them.
  
• Why is Gaston here and why is he in enough power to outlaw fun? And why is he talking about how he banned singing after dark when it's still light out?
  
• Is that fair-skinned brunette they called Melody supposed to be Esmeralda?  And if she's a Romani, I'm Django Reinhardt.
  
• Did those living castanets just vanish into her torso?
  
• Where's Quasi? A good question. It's seven minutes into this 44-minute movie and he's barely even there. And then he randomly appears to go "Unhand her, Dan Blackslide" on Gaston.
  
• You know, Gaston has a point. If you're being targeted by someone, it's probably a bad idea to loudly play music.
  
• So, why will just Melody be safe in Notre-Dame? Why not the rest of the Romanis?
  
• Huh. I'd wonder if the knowledge that Quasimodo and Gaston are half-brothers will come back into play. Maybe they'll treat it like a major twist later in the film even though they just mentioned.
  
• Huh. I would never have guessed that the bats were foot fetishists, too.
  
• Why is a movie that's only 44 minutes long and based on a book that's over 500 pages so filled with padding? Why do we have to spend so much time having  Melody's instruments complaining about going up and down stairs?
  
• She actually had to be reminded to be scared of Quasimodo. Also, he's not ugly. He's got an emo hairstyle and he slouches.
  
• This bargain bin swing sounds like a jarring contrast to the music played in the last 18 minutes. And why is there an echo on the backing track?
  
• Little Timmy's Stuck in the Well? Why the fuck are we doing this with bells?
  
• Why are they ripping off Bye Bye Birdie? They were apparently afraid to use the name Esmeralda, but they saw no problem with ripping off "Put on a Happy Face"?
  
• So, did that magic actually do anything with that cat? 
  
• It's fucking incredible, really. They had a perfectly servicable 19th century novel to bastardise, and instead, they somehow managed to adapt a 19th century narrative poem.
  
  
  
• And why is Quasimodo suddenly not a hunchback anymore?
  
• The flanging on the audio of the last song is so interesting that I don't even care that the animation's even more shit than usual or that the song itself has no purpose except to play out the movie.
  
• My God, Gaston and Quasi are brothers? What a major revelation. Even if it was already explained to the audience earlier.
  
• So, if you're deformed, all you have to do is stand up for yourself and you won't be deformed anymore? Is this what talk about self-improvement sounds like to incels? 
  

Next week, a movie I never expected to be on streaming, Leonard Part 6.