The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Netflix' Marmaduke. All I know about it is that it's about a giant Great Dane, and instead of solving mysteries, it just pulls its  owner on a leash. It was one of those comic strips that wasn't in my local paper, so I didn't have any familiarity with it. 

• A Chinese character is being painted in the studio logo... fuck, this is going to be one of those "an obscure American IP gets revived by a foreign company for random reasons" movies, isn't it?
  
• The humans look like rejected designs for The Lorax, and Marmaduke looks like a refugee from Food Fight.
  
• So, I think that's supposed to be a T-Bone steak. Has anyone ever been to an outdoor barbecue where they just randomly cook T-bones?
  
• Why does Marmaduke's room look like  Andy's room from Toy Story?
  
• Man, that dog has to weigh a fuckton for its jumping into the pool to have that sort of impact. Especially with the ground floor of his home flooded.
  
• Good fucking God, that guy's legs are as thin as a strand of spaghetti.
  
• And why is Not-Entertainment Tonight challenging this retired dog trainer to train Marmaduke?
  
• Why is this a musical now? And why is that dog trainer supposed to be a bad guy?
  
• How many people would get it if I compared the scene where the kid was riding Marmaduke like a horse to the time Liam Gallagher got drunk and rode a dog?
  
• The fact that they have Marmaduke speaking with his lips actually moving makes me wonder if people can actually understand him.
  
• You know, even as someone who owned a dog for 18 years, I'm having a lot of fun watching that dog getting beaten down.
  
• The kick that wasn't there? Did Titmouse claim copyright on "The Phantom Limb"?
  
• So, I take it that they just had those doggie deathtaps already installed in the park? Also, somehow, I don't get the impression that Crufts is going to adopt that panini press, the mechanical doors, and jumping through a ring of fire as part of their obstacle course. And, yes, I actually checked Cruft's Agility Championship final for 2020.
  
• That shampoo has "guaranteed hair loss?"
  
• Why the fuck is J.K. Simmons playing that Afghan Hound? And why do I get the feeling that his attempts at sabotaging Marmaduke should be going like this?
  
  
  
• No, Marmaduke, your legs didn't shrink. They just finally figured out there's no way in hell legs that skinny can support your weight.
  
• And he just suddenly got back to his normal size, and then he's back to bloated.
  
• Did we really need a bullet time shot lasting more than a minute with everybody at the dog show reacting to Marmaduke's fart?
  
• And the bill for the trainer's expenses randomly turns into a Star Wars opening crawl. Why the fuck not?
  
• And way to wreck the last surviving wonder of the ancient world by running on it, Marmaduke.
  
• What the fuck is that Asian dog even doing to J.K. Simmons?
  
• Do show dogs get disqualified if a trainer gets injured? 
  
• Yes, this dog is seductive. Who the fuck wrote this script, Kero the Wolf?
  
• ... Can I ask why they put obvious Tabla into this music that's supposed to be stereotypically Chinese?
  
• So, that's how J.K. Simmons keeps winning those dog shows? He's Hypno-Toad? 
  
• So, J.K. Simmons wins with his Hypno-Toad powers. So why do I have 15 minutes of the movie left? Of course, he has to expose his cheating. And apparently, the Asian dog wins.
  
• And way to go, you incapacitated Zeus and paralysed the cameraman.
  
• Please tell me they're not doing this... please tell me that they think they're going to get away with killing off Marmaduke... please let me think that the tear that landed on Marmaduke isn't going to somehow revive him. 
  
• Well, at least the old hand-drawn Marmaduke outro looks better than the CGI Marmaduke.
  
• And, fuck it, here's a better rapping dog to close this out. 
  
  
  Next week, I'm thinking maybe breaking out the VPN so I can take on the 1998 Avengers on Netflix Japan.