The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Amazing Ape. Also known as Simon Says, but I'll be using the former title because not only is there another film called Simon Sez, I covered it for the Project a couple months ago. Why this one? For Gordy.



Maybe this would have been the project better served by a homicidal chimp killing everybody.

• Raw films. Let's just say that'll be a bit of foreshadowing.
  
• I could probably tell this wasn't a movie about evil monkeys by the fact that it's clearly a kid's movie.
  
• Somehow, I get the feeling that, even though it's got an adult narrator that's talking about something that happened to him as a child, it's not going to be a period piece.
  
• I could be watching Cannibal Holocaust right now.
  
• And now we've got yet another movie connecting itself to Ham and Enos, after Space Chimps 2.
  
• Did they blow out the mic before they made this movie?
  
• Wow. I can totally believe that's a real chimp in this movie and not just someone in a chimp suit. Seriously, Nope had a CGI chimp and that was more believable.
  
• Oh, for fuck's sake, this kid's an anti-vaxxer?
  
• That was no man, that was an animal. Yeah, no fucking shit.
  
• So, the kid's going to die in 3-6 weeks, so why is she surprised that the drugs aren't doing much?
  
• Regenerating your body in six months? Besides the fact that he only has 3 weeks, doesn't the body already do that?
  
• Yep: here comes the twist: this movie's a big slice of raw-foodist propaganda. The director, Juliano (Brotman, he's only credited by his first name) fancies himself a founding father of the raw food movement (which isn't likely, since I know that the Loomises from Day of the Locust are raw-foodists and that was published in 1939, and there's no way in Hell Juliano's that old). And he's going to make this movie promoting the raw-food diet.
  
• No disease has ever been cured? Besides the fact that there are loads of diseases that actually have known cures, even if we're going to accept their conflation of cure and eradication, there've already been two diseases that no longer exist because of people who took the time to research those diseases and find ways to stop their spread. And there's also quite a few other diseases that are close, and a few more that have achieved regional eradication. And yes, that includes Polio, which went from an epidemic that crippled people (especially children) to practically a non-issue in the span of a few decades. By the time this movie was released in 2016, there were 37 cases worldwide, with the only new cases being in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and maybe Nigeria.
  
• Who knew that chimpanzees had a working knowledge of Bruce Lee's life?
  
• Honey for shampoo? Making milk from scratch?
  
• I swear that this kid is the least plausible cancer patient since Sheri from C Me Dance.
  
• Well, that's a great lesson for the kids: it's okay to take honey directly from the beehive.  You won't have to deal with beestings at all. Christ, even Winnie-the-Pooh had to deal with the menace of the bees.
  
• Apparently these kids speak fluent chimpanzee.
  
• How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? Is that a Pink Floyd reference?
  
• Eat living foods? Like octopus?
  
  
  
• Did some research on acrylamine. It's not cancerous (at least dietary acrylamine), and it isn't just in processed foods. It tends to occur naturally in any food that's cooked above 120 degrees Celsius.
  
• He's healthy, look at him? He barely looked any different from a normal 9-year-old when he was terminally ill! Maybe a bit more depressed and spectrummy, but that shit's not physical.
  
• You can't sell apples? I just fucking bought apples for $1.98 a pound at my local grocery store less than three hours ago.
  
• Wow. Those sun-dried tomatoes dried fast. That usually takes anywhere from 4 to 14 days.
  
• Are they using the fucking Pledge of Allegiance for this emotional climax? This isn't The Plot Against America, you know.
  
• So, apparently this is the past. Apparently, it was set sometime in 2002, what with the acrylamine scare becoming a part of the movie.
  
• Also, it's nice of Tubi to just shut off the credits to mask the fact that, apparently, even in the full version of the movie, the credits just stop in the middle of everything.
  

Next week, unless things change, is InAPPropriate Comedy