The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, American Ninja V. I know fuck all about this or the original movies. All I know is 1) There's apparently a Yank who fancies himself a ninja, 2) the original four  movies were evidently popular enough to merit a sequel, and 3) this movie is dogshit and apparently has nothing to do with any of the previous five movies.

• Is it weird that I'm wondering that this might have started off as a sequel to Jurassic Shark 2, even though I know for a fact that it was made a bit less than three decades before?
  
• That fucking credits font looks like it belongs in a Seventies sitcom, not a martial arts movie.
  
• You're not testing this pesticide on animals, even though the pesticide you're working on is specifically designed to kill animals.
  
• Okay, so it's more that said animal was a dog and not an invertebrate. Is there a reason he can't just have someone else handle the LD50 research? Or that they can't just use mice?
  
• The general looks like he'd rather be impersonating Mr. Bean.
  
• So, this modern military not only has ninjas working for them under contract, but ones that can just teleport in like that? I know that in the Edo period, Ninja were basically assassins.
  
• Yeah, I can totally believe that smoke bombs are an closely-guarded ninja secret. Even though it's apparently easy enough that all you need is a match, a ping-pong ball and tin foil.
  
  
  
• Maybe life is a game. I don't know, but I've been talking to this woman named Jennifer and she's telling me that I might have lived in a past life where Final Fantasy 7 actually happened and I was this minor character- I bet you think I'm just joking about that one, don't you?
  
• Anyone remember when America was actually working with corrupt Venezuelan officials?
  
• How effective are wooden caltrops likely to be?
  
• Of course these random Venezuelans are the sort of guys who'd just cut off a kid's finger for the lulz. Of course.
  
• I want you to be like me, except I don't. That makes sense.
  
• Well, those ninjas went down easily. What was that? Five seconds? Okay, so it's a prelude for a larger battle with an actual scene devoted to it. I don't know why Venezuela has its own ninjas, let alone why they're dressed in lavender. And this kid's acting like his Game Gear is having an effect on what's happening.
  
• Somehow, I don't think you're supposed to wave your smoke bomb like it's your sword.
  
• Well, that was anti climactic. They get into an elevator and the next thing you know, they've reached their destination without even seeing the fight.
  
• Only women dressed in red?
  

And here's hoping that when I cover InAPPropriate Comedy next week, I'll be less bored.