The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep  Hurting Project, CarGo, The Asylum's answer to Cars 3.

• So, it's a Rodgers and Hammerstein-style musical?
  
• Of all the things they could try for realism in, they go for reflection? One car looks like he has the pulsar from Unknown Pleasure on his back.
  
• Vincent Diesel? That's seriously a name they're using?
  
• The musical numbers have gone from "Oklahoma"  to MC Hammer's shittier material and we've just hit the five minute mark.
  
• Is there some social commentary in the fact that the cop car decided to chase the black car?
  
• Who is Father George and why should we care that Taylors are a BXXXSN?
  
• Why is Ed Asner here and why did they think he'd be a good fit for a solo number? And why is there no structure to his song?
  
• The "Teenage Car" song seems like they just smushed five different songs and decided to parody them all.
  
• Carnado? Say what you will about Sharknado, it's at least more entertaining than this movie.
  
• Putting your son on blocks for a week? Imagine if this was real and a parent decided to cripple their son for a week as punishment.
  
• Being bad is a lot more fun... until you get caught. And then, if enough people are aware of what you did, they just write you off and eventually, Barger's Law comes into play: "When you're good no one cares; when you're bad no one forgets."
  
• And of course there's a mafia just randomly in this movie. Of course there is.
  
• The speed limit is 35 MPH? Okay, I just looked it up and (at least in Chicago) the speed limit is 30 in urban areas.
  
• Once you get a taste of winning, you're never really done.  But he's never gotten a taste of winning.
  
• You'd think he'd have a grasp of what the ICU's supposed to be at this age.
  
• Well, that was a good point. You didn't even know Clunker Island was real, now you want to go there.
  
• Did they just repeat the "Let's Go To Clunker Island" line? 
  
• It's going to be great; all I have to do is get the shit beat out of me so I can get sent to the chop shop and rescue Dad.
  
• Okay, now I want to know how cars apply makeup to other cars.
  
• Wait, they're drafted as understudies? Don't they have to know the lines? So, why are they immediately drafted into performing when there's already a performance going on?
  
• Fenders are supposed to be used in prayer? I suppose Gibson players are SOL then.
  
• Wasn't his plan to go to Clunker Island? So, why is he actually trying to win this demolition derby?
  
• This reminds me of the Mass Transit incident, except that he actually won.
  
• Wait, was the Don's son totalled? So, why isn't he on Clunker Island?
  
• Nice to know that Danny got to voice his annoyance with Speedy Fireball repeatedly explaining what his name means before I got to.
  
• Oh, right, it's a musical. After front-loading all the musical numbers in the first 15 minutes, I was surprised to find they went 30 minutes without a musical number.
  
• Okay, now I want to know how a car can actually tunnel underground. 
  
• This conversation about The Car-Shank Redemption reminds me of the time Dad heard me playing the theme from Cannibal Holocaust and saying he remembered that song from a movie, but he insisted that movie wasn't actually Cannibal Holocaust.
  
• A carburger? So cannbibalism is a thing among these sentient cars?
  
• Nice to know we wasted several minutes on the "Spirit of the Forest" thing.
  
• A tree growing out of your back? I'm sure I've heard about that disorder somewhere. Maybe I'm just thinking of Cordyceps.
  
• Yep. It's official. Cannibalism among cars is a real problem in this universe.
  
• Why is cannibalism a running theme in this movie? 
  
• Does this girl have aphasia?
  
• Paris isn't Monte Carlo. 
  
• At least I can give it this: clustered songs aside, this movie doesn't have a pacing problem. When they got to Dad, I wasn't asking why there were 25 minutes left.
  
• That said, I was wondering how the Monster Truck is still in a condition to compete against Danny if he was just totalled.
  
• Unbreakable armour for a car. Sounds a lot like Marvin Heemeyer to me. 
  
• This "she's not my girlfriend" running gag reminds me of that one closeted bisexual coworker I had. She fell in love with the one other girl in the scene shop who actually swung that way, but still insisted they weren't lovers. Even after they got engaged.
  
• So, nobody's supposed to come back from Clunker Island. So what was with that one risky port that claimed nobody came back in one piece?
  
• Wait, he's surprised that Dad was a racer? Didn't he outright state that an hour ago?
  
• So, Fred Copcar sent Danny to Juvie specifically because he knew his friend was tunneling? And he didn't even tell anyone else?
  

Next week, I'm thinking of firing up the VPN to check out Bless the Child on Pluto TV UK