The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project,  I got a bit too distracted to cover Britney Ever After (a recent Tubi arrival) on Sunday, so I'm going to do it now. 

• Well, this is a good sign: the first thing we hear in this Britney Spears biopic is a song that obviously isn't by Britney Spears.
  
• Apart from being a blonde with vaguely similar hair, this woman also looks bugger-all like Britney. And this sudden jump to 1998, where she acts like she's mildly mentally disabled doesn't help matters.
  
• That shot of the Hollywood sign reminds me of SoaD's Toxicity and, therefore, all the better music of the era that got sidelined so Nickelodeon (which is what I was watching while she was at her commercial peak) could keep pushing Britney Spears as a brand. Then again, I suspect that Nick probably wouldn't have aired song that kept talking about "Self-Righteous Suicide." Then again, there's still The Flaming Lips, Modest Mouse, Weezer, and OutKast. And I'm just including the artists that weren't on indie labels and might have had some youth appeal. Then again, I probably would still have dismissed them out of spite.
  
• You  know, having a boyfriend doesn't contradict with the "Good Girl Saving Herself For Marriage" image.
  
• Someone bust out the crackers because Joey's bringing the cheese?
  
• Somehow, of all the members of NSYNC, Justin looks the least like the actual Justin. Or is that the gay one she's losing her v-card to?
  
• Okay, I'm not a fan of Britney Spears, so I had to check if her take on "Satisfaction" is as anemic as the version in this movie. Fortunately, it's not.
  
• You're my stinky? Is she hoping he shits on her?
  
• She's going to come up on stage with that yellow snake, like Eve cast out of the Garden. And Huggy is going to be really fucking pissed that she's not fucking that Albino Burmese Python. Then again, it'd be a lesbian sex act, and Huggy may or may not like that.
  
• Well, this is proving more complication-free than what I've heard of her actual life.
  
• A drinking game for Britney fans: take a shot for every needle drop that clearly isn't a Britney song. Take two if it sounds a Hell of a lot more recent than when it's supposed to be set in (We'll be generous and use 2008 as the cutoff, since that's when the framing device is set). 
  
• I wonder if that "motherfuckers" was in the original Lifetime airing.
  
• Who the fuck is Wade, and why is she jealous of him? Okay, so I guess he's a dance choreographer, and if we saw him, he was either never named or his name-drop was so throwaway I forgot about it.
  
• This random scene of Britney and a friend trying to get a glimpse of Brad Pitt is just darkly hilarious, at least after his company optioned the rights to The Woman in Me and the Twitter hiveminds got pissed over it. 
  
• When did Britney cover "Walkin' After Midnight"?
  
• At least the cover of "I Love Rock n Roll" is closer to the original, although I think it needs a shitton more autotune to be authentically Britney.
  
• Second item for the drinking game: Every time Britney pledges her undying love to some guy who's just going to drop her in a couple minutes, take a shot.
  
• Damn. If the weddings I was dragged to when I was younger were this steamy, I'd actually give a shit about them.
  
• Well, at least she's not trying to use her babies' fontanelles as an ashtray.
  
• Huh. When Britney's mom says "Leave Britney Alone!", it's a lot more convincing than the meme. I don't know whether or not this is a good thing. 
  
• This moment where Britney doesn't recognise herself in this newly-ruined dress  would have been a Hell of a lot more impactful if Britney actually looked anything like Britney. Hell, in this scene, she looks a lot closer to early-period Taylor Swift.
  
• Hot Take: Lieber-Stoller's "Trouble" does not sound better if you enunciate every word.
  
• Also, was that supposed to be the infamous VMA performance? 
  
• This remark about how she wishes she can take care of themselves is a lot more poignant once you learn how badly her conservatorship went.
  
• Why would anyone enjoy anyone else's pain? Because we're bastards.
  
• Why is Fring working in rehab?