The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Night of Horror. It was, at least for a time, the worst movie Brad "The Cinema Snob" Jones had ever watched. Or at least one of them.

• Why did they have the Slow Talkers of America do the opening narration?
  
• Not gonna lie, I actually like the piano music that underscores the opening credits.
  
  
  
• Why is Tony Stark contributing the story? Was this just a failed attempt at breaking out on his own before his Dad died and put him in control of Stark Industries?
  
• Huh. I thought Frank Zappa was straight-edge. What the Hell is he doing in a bar that's clearly just my Grandpa and Grandma's basement?
  
• Honestly, the scenes of these people driving makes me wonder if the director saw the endless driving scenes in Manos and wondered if he could make it even more interminable.
  
• So, apparently, these people are going to "Virginia Mountain Country." Why are they clearly heading North up the Francis Scott Key Bridge, which places them in Maryland, and going the wrong fucking way for a trip to Virginia?
  
• So, why did we spend all this time driving and not at the funeral? Did the director think that would make too much sense?
  
• Nice to know that this last stop was totally pointless.
  
• We're over halfway through and all that's happened are the drive up to Virginia Mountain Country and a brief encounter with these Ghost Confederates, and the latter, I evidently fell asleep while that happened.
  
• And could they have gotten ANY other person to explain what these Confederate Ghosts are even doing? Was there ANYONE among the ghosts who could talk at a normal speed and didn't sound like they had throat cancer?
  
• I could be watching literally any other Civil War movie right now. There's probably going to be Values Dissonance out the Wazoo, (especially since most Civil War movies seem to give the Confederates a level of moral consideration much higher than they deserved IRL), but even that will be at least interesting.
  
• TL;DR: The ghosts need to return the severed head of their leader to his body. Also, one of the girls is a reincarnation of someone the Confederates knew a century ago.
  
• I can remember watching Ken Burns' Civil War documentary and thinking that Ed Bearss was underutilized, and that when he was on the screen, he gave us so much of a sense of the story that it could have just been him narrating the events and it'd still be as fascinating as it always was. And, yet, even these Ghosts suck out all the charisma of any good storyteller. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, so here's Ed Bearss talking about The Wilderness campaign (which I think is the same campaign that they're supposed to be representing in this movie) for about an hour:
  
  
  
• I fucking swear that the skull I bought from the supermarket one Halloween is more realistic than the one they dig up. 
  
• Well, at least I can make out the dialogue in this movie, which I guess is a positive for this movie. 
  

And so, the Deep Hurting Project goes into hibernation until some other sufficiently horrible movie comes to streaming.