Hi,
So I'm writing here to see if anyone else has had similar experiences or could offer advice. Here is the story so far:
I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. She was raised as a very conservative christian in the south, but at college had a lot of classes on evolution, and became quite liberal. I met her while she was still at college and we long distanced until she finished her degree and we moved closer to each other. From the beginning I have been open with her about being an atheist, and we have discussed the subject extensively and had good challenging debates whilst retaining respect for each others beliefs. So whilst she was already going down this road, I think being with me has catalyzed her introspection, and she is now unsure what she believes about Christianity/religion. She is just as critical as I am when religion is used as an excuse for discrimination, or refusal to use rational thought or evidence, but Christianity was a great support to her during some very hard time with her family, and she can still see the advantages of faith i.e. accepting that the bible is not always true, has been edited massively and should be put in its historical context, but at the same time has a core message and set of beliefs which she still supports (though is reassessing as I said). So I feel like, whilst we disagree, we maintain a very health dialogue around the topic and it is not an issue for us.
However, she does not have this kind of openness with her family, who are still very conservative. In particular her mother defines herself through Christianity, and is openly critical of liberals, unbelievers, etc. I first met her mother (lets call her Helen) when visiting for the summer, and didn't hide my atheism (in fact, my gf had also been open with her from the beginning about it). The summer went well and I was careful, as a guest, to respect the beliefs of her family. I even attended church with them, and would have good debates after about the sermon, criticizing the focus or logic of them without actually attacking Christianity. Just before leaving, Helen sat me down and told me how happy she was that such a caring, mature guy was with her daughter and that, while she had been worried about me to start with, she trusted me completely to look after her. After that I was fairly convinced that I'd done a good job creating a good impression and would have no trouble with her.
The next time I met Helen she was visiting my girlfriend. Again, we didn't have any problems with each other and went away as friends. After that, I joined them on their family holiday, but that didn't go well as there was a bit of a personality clash between myself and my gf's older brother (who is a control freak and a jackass). Still, I didn't think I had done anything to offend or screw up my relationship with the rest of her family, so came away feeling ok about the experience. However, not long after the holiday, Helen started to be much more critical of me when talking with my gf. Most of this criticism focused on my atheism, although there were other criticisms, but these were unfounded and my gf set her right on them. This continued despite my gf telling Helen that she would have to respect her decision and that she would not leave me. Unfortunately, around this time the two of them weren't really talking anyway because of some life decisions that my gf took that Helen would not respect (she chose to go to grad school near me rather than going to the local school her mom wanted). Probably as a result of this breakdown in communication, they stopped discussing the issue of my beliefs and I think Helen just took that as a signal that she had the right to exclude me whilst still having a relationship with my gf. The really sad thing is that, because my gf is so afraid to talk to her about anything substantial, and because she disagrees with her mother on so many things, they have a very superficial relationship and Helen just doesn't realize.
The latest twist is that Helen is getting married to her new boyfriend, who is very religious, and she expects my gf to be a bridesmaid/organize the bachelorette party, flowers, etc whilst at the same time saying that I can't come because she doesn't support my beliefs. This is compounded by the fact that she is inviting friends'/neighbors' children and boyfriends who she knows are not religious and have sex before marriage, etc. Obviously this is an incredibly difficult position for my girlfriend to be in, and it smarts a little after the effort I put into creating a good relationship with her mother.
Any advice?
So I'm writing here to see if anyone else has had similar experiences or could offer advice. Here is the story so far:
I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. She was raised as a very conservative christian in the south, but at college had a lot of classes on evolution, and became quite liberal. I met her while she was still at college and we long distanced until she finished her degree and we moved closer to each other. From the beginning I have been open with her about being an atheist, and we have discussed the subject extensively and had good challenging debates whilst retaining respect for each others beliefs. So whilst she was already going down this road, I think being with me has catalyzed her introspection, and she is now unsure what she believes about Christianity/religion. She is just as critical as I am when religion is used as an excuse for discrimination, or refusal to use rational thought or evidence, but Christianity was a great support to her during some very hard time with her family, and she can still see the advantages of faith i.e. accepting that the bible is not always true, has been edited massively and should be put in its historical context, but at the same time has a core message and set of beliefs which she still supports (though is reassessing as I said). So I feel like, whilst we disagree, we maintain a very health dialogue around the topic and it is not an issue for us.
However, she does not have this kind of openness with her family, who are still very conservative. In particular her mother defines herself through Christianity, and is openly critical of liberals, unbelievers, etc. I first met her mother (lets call her Helen) when visiting for the summer, and didn't hide my atheism (in fact, my gf had also been open with her from the beginning about it). The summer went well and I was careful, as a guest, to respect the beliefs of her family. I even attended church with them, and would have good debates after about the sermon, criticizing the focus or logic of them without actually attacking Christianity. Just before leaving, Helen sat me down and told me how happy she was that such a caring, mature guy was with her daughter and that, while she had been worried about me to start with, she trusted me completely to look after her. After that I was fairly convinced that I'd done a good job creating a good impression and would have no trouble with her.
The next time I met Helen she was visiting my girlfriend. Again, we didn't have any problems with each other and went away as friends. After that, I joined them on their family holiday, but that didn't go well as there was a bit of a personality clash between myself and my gf's older brother (who is a control freak and a jackass). Still, I didn't think I had done anything to offend or screw up my relationship with the rest of her family, so came away feeling ok about the experience. However, not long after the holiday, Helen started to be much more critical of me when talking with my gf. Most of this criticism focused on my atheism, although there were other criticisms, but these were unfounded and my gf set her right on them. This continued despite my gf telling Helen that she would have to respect her decision and that she would not leave me. Unfortunately, around this time the two of them weren't really talking anyway because of some life decisions that my gf took that Helen would not respect (she chose to go to grad school near me rather than going to the local school her mom wanted). Probably as a result of this breakdown in communication, they stopped discussing the issue of my beliefs and I think Helen just took that as a signal that she had the right to exclude me whilst still having a relationship with my gf. The really sad thing is that, because my gf is so afraid to talk to her about anything substantial, and because she disagrees with her mother on so many things, they have a very superficial relationship and Helen just doesn't realize.
The latest twist is that Helen is getting married to her new boyfriend, who is very religious, and she expects my gf to be a bridesmaid/organize the bachelorette party, flowers, etc whilst at the same time saying that I can't come because she doesn't support my beliefs. This is compounded by the fact that she is inviting friends'/neighbors' children and boyfriends who she knows are not religious and have sex before marriage, etc. Obviously this is an incredibly difficult position for my girlfriend to be in, and it smarts a little after the effort I put into creating a good relationship with her mother.
Any advice?
