Souls - Why do they need them?

[YahwehIsTheWay]

Just pondering a rather simple thought. The idea that two supernatural beings are competing for souls is idiotic. Why does Satan or God need souls? Is it a popularity contest?

Our Lord Yahweh needs souls to be his "objects of wrath" on the Day of Judgment. You see, the Lord has a lot of pent up sexual frustration that's been accumulating since the ancient Hebrews took away his wife, Ashra, and made him one of a kind. And people wonder why he developed such anger management issues in the OT? Sheesh, wouldn't you?

Anyway, our Lord got himself laid via the Holy Spirit about 2000 years ago and that seemed to mellow him out a might. He just retired to the backdrop of Heaven, perhaps to smoke a really long cigarette, while his son took center stage.

That's all well and good for now but that sexual frustration's bound to build back up again and when it does he's going to need some method of sublimating it through some intense S&M. That's where your souls come in (I'm talking to the heathens here on this forum). Me, I'm going to have a box seat next to Mrs. Betty Bowers and Pastor Deacon Fred as we gleefully watch all the unimaginable torture. Just remember as you're being sodomized by demons, Jesus loves you.

Now Satan's a bit easier to account for. He knows he's damned and he wants to drag everyone else to be with him. Misery loves company and all.

Hope that helps, you unbelieving trash. Praise the sweet name of Jesus.