How do you make the door to door religious people go away?

[jonb]

I only get jehovers, I always offer a friendly welcome, I stand that little bit too close, and when I draw them in, I always give them a cup of tea filled to the very top so the slightest movement will cause it to spill, on a saucer then I give them a plate with biscuits or a small cake and tell them not to put it down because the dog will have it. Then I sit down next to them, close, very close, and stare into their eyes with a wide smile. I find friendly nudges and little taps on the hand help build up the friendly atmosphere, and at the right point, I draw the curtains complaining the bright light hurts my eyes, and then snuggle back down next to them attentively.
To stop them from moving I have found it expedient to bring out my collection of old large and heavy art books which I place on their laps so they can admire some religious painting or other. This effectively stops them from getting up as their hands are full, and so they cannot move the book, also it allows me to lean across them intimately and turn the pages of the book on their knees.
To add to this I find having the television, radio, and some music playing at the same time can be conducive. Added to that using hand signals to Tony my dog to make him bark at them from time to time can make the average christian feel like a honoured guest.


I have found the amount of sweat a human can produce in these circumstances, is greater than that produced by a marathon runner.