How are you feeling?

[Whateverist]

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I can't help noticing how many of us are dealing with or have dealt with depression and/or other such issues. I am currently quite content and I call that happy, as happy as I want to be. Like my mother, I've been both manic and depressed but I have leveled out without medication.

Nothing compares with the euphoria of mania but it isn't the sort of happiness I would choose all things considered for myself or anyone else. Looking back I recognize the distortion in my perceptions but the certitude of them and the energy with which I acted on them was certainly exhilarating. I think those episodes were transformative just as drugs were, but I don't need any more of either, thank you.

Depression was shocking at first - so different than anything I'd ever experienced. I remember sleeping tons and reading in between mostly. I found social situations bewildering. Everyone at the check stand in the grocery store seemed to be in on all manner of cues and humor that I couldn't get at all. In addition to the lack of interest and satisfaction, it was also an enormous blow to my self esteem. You probably can't tell but I have and always have had a healthy regard for my own opinion (haha). But when I was depressed it was like I had no insight. I couldn't trust my gut to tell me what in something I was reading was significant. There was a flatness about it. Just a clutter of facts with no revealed hierarchy. At some point I made my peace with my loss of insight and intelligence. There came a point when I realized I'd probably never be there again and I decided to make the most of what I had. That seemed to mark my return to what has become my new normal. I no longer compare or judge my experience or have much expectations in that regard. Depression sort of shakes your certainty, but that isn't all bad.

My depression followed a little more than a year of mania. Every day of depression seemed interminable and was in such sharp contrast to the unprecedented highs that I had only just experienced. I considered suicide as an obvious solution when I was depressed but was never seriously tempted. Fortunately I have a great capacity for misery. But I do now enjoy many things not in a hopping up and down way but I'm very content.

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I can't even begin to tell you how your post resonated with me. Sometimes I think it takes the clarity of someone who's been there and back to put words to the nameless feelings that accompany mental disorder.

But I gather you've been dealing with it for much longer and, worse of all, still are. I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoy your input so I hope you find contentment now.

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Mixed bag today. I'm happy about yesterday's election, but a bit down after hearing not-so-encouraging news at the doc today.

Meh.

Shit. What did you hear?