How are you feeling?

[Angrboda]

I miss the company of dogs. My apartment doesn't allow four legged pets. I could probably work around that, but I'm not even sure I'm fit to care for an animal by myself. My moods, gone all the day, my depressions. I'm afraid the hurt I would cause a human by letting them get too close, but a dog wouldn't be able to take care of their own interests. And in the past year, I've alienated my sisters or something, as they never invite me over any more. So I've missed their dogs, and been completely distant while several of them have passed on. It makes me unhappy with myself. For some reason I can relate to animals. Humans, I can't relate to, but animals, yes. I'm tempted to force the issue with building management by renting an emu.

For lack of a better term, I'm a very well controlled manic. And full blown mania is rare for me, as is hypomania, and both seldom last long. So I still look forward to it. It's still a happy, sexy time for me.

For whatever, when I'm not out of control, totally lost in rage and anger, I'm cold and heartless. I don't have a lot of inbetween. I don't feel much toward people. Not that I dislike them, they just don't interest me. Probably has to do with my childhood. My parents treated me unfairly, and I was acutely aware of it from a young age. On top of that, I developed paranoid delusions early on, about 4-5 years, and wasn't sure that I could trust anyone, and didn't trust my parents (being deaf most of the years leading up to that probably contributed, too). So I rather suspect my insides, relative to caring about others, just isn't built the same way as other people's is built. It doesn't bother me, but it means certain rather strangely isolated social tasks offer me formidable challenges, so I usually simply avoid them. I don't know why I got off on this topic. I guess it's because I don't get affected by the presence or loss of humans as deeply as others. I like that, but it makes me feel ashamed. I feel I'm supposed to care about people, and I just don't.

Anyway, I know what whateverist means about the intellect hit from depression. That is the worst for me. I can deal with the emotional side fairly easily, but the way it makes you feel dumb and not capable, and the way it in fact makes you less capable, is hard. My first episode of major depression, when I was 16-17, my thinking was so impaired, I thought I'd suffered brain damage from too many drugs and too much drinking. I was bad off enough being depressed, but I was also blaming myself for losing the one thing that had always made me different, even special. I was half sad and angry, and half scared about how I was going to face life so steeply impaired. The mental impairments from depression are the sucky suck.