How are you feeling?

[Whateverist]

It helps me to not bash myself. When I make a stupid mistake, there's an automatic "voice" (not an actual voice, more a thought process) telling me that I'm stupid or what I just did was stupid. I'm learning to counter that, replacing "stupid" for "human" helps me.

Self acceptance is important. Good thing too since there really isn't much choice in the matter. Nonetheless I had to learn to cut myself some slack too. The great thing about learning compassion and empathy for others is you then have it to draw on for yourself.

I miss the company of dogs. My apartment doesn't allow four legged pets. I could probably work around that, but I'm not even sure I'm fit to care for an animal by myself. .. Humans, I can't relate to, but animals, yes.

I read my dogs as well as dogs read people. When I felt estranged from people a dog kept me sane. We're so lucky that there are a couple nonhuman animals on this planet who actually seem to enjoy our company. It helps me keep in touch with my inner mammal and to appreciate the little things and to keep the games people play in perspective.

For lack of a better term, I'm a very well controlled manic. And full blown mania is rare for me, as is hypomania, and both seldom last long.

I don't envy you this but I do envy how well read you are and your sheer intelligence. I'm very impressed with you and DvsF. I have a high regard for my own opinion but you both challenge me regularly. When I disagree with you I stop and re-evaluate just to be sure I'm not being hasty.

For whatever, when I'm not out of control, totally lost in rage and anger, I'm cold and heartless. I don't have a lot of inbetween. I don't feel much toward people. Not that I dislike them, they just don't interest me. .. So I rather suspect my insides, relative to caring about others, just isn't built the same way as other people's is built. .. I don't get affected by the presence or loss of humans as deeply as others. I like that, but it makes me feel ashamed. I feel I'm supposed to care about people, and I just don't.

Sure sounds like you need a good dog. I wondered if I'm unusual in the way the loss of people and dogs affects me. Every such day is special to me in that it makes me appreciate and reflect on life more profoundly. But I don't obsess over the tragedy of it all for the one who dies, though I may miss our interaction. In both cases, I make it a point to get a new friend. Don't get me wrong. No two people or dogs is exactly the same but they are the same in being someone in particular who I can get to know and appreciate.

It sounds like your childhood care takers didn't help you learn to connect with people. The good news is you can learn to do that on your own. You just have to embrace the suckingness of being a beginner.

One of the weird parts of my own childhood was that my mother instilled in me a deeply held belief that sex was just about the most onerous experiences a man could visit upon a woman. So as much as I liked sex it was hard to approach women. So I made it a project to do it anyway. Fortunately my recent loss of esteem through depression made feeling inept more tolerable. So I started dating. I had married the first girl friend I ever had and that wasn't until I was 21. So at 25 I was a rank beginner.

I have to say I learned a lot. For example I noticed that it was just about as satisfying and therefore important to me to be known as to know someone else, though both are really important. I also learned it didn't really matter who broke up with who. That made it easier to be disclosive. The worse that could happen is the other person would get enough information to realize I'm not for them. Becoming comfortable with other people knowing me made me more comfortable with accepting myself too. Come to find out I had a lot in common with people, perhaps even more than I have with dogs. (But only dogs give me perspective on being human so I'll never be without one.)