I haven't seen my father in 8 years, haven't spoken to him in 5, we had very limited contact for at least 15 years. I'm fine with this. I accept the next time I see him, he'll either be on his deathbed or in a casket. That sounds dramatic, but it's true, and I'm okay with it. It's not what I like or want, but that's how it is. I did everything I could to try to have a relationship with him while preserving myself, it just doesn't work. He's very ill emotionally, very hurtful, and mean.
But when it comes to my mom… That's where I am filled with questions and self-doubt. I hadn't seen/spoken to her in 6 months until about a week ago. I had things I needed to say to her, so my therapist invited her for a session. I said what I needed to, she freaked out and left. She came back to the session, accosted me, leaving marks on my arms, demanding an explanation for something I can't explain. It has left me realizing she doesn't have anything to give. She loves me to the full extent of her capacity, but she is just very limited.
Now that I am a parent myself, I find it impossible to justify or understand some of the things she did or didn't do, where I was able to in the past. Intellectually, I know it's not about understanding the why, it's about accepting it for what it is. I want to forgive and feel compassion for her, but I'm really stuck on how to get there.
Then there's the matter of even if I forgive her, if she doesn't have anything to bring to the relationship, what's the point? I don't feel love and acceptance from her. I feel obligation, inadequacy, guilt, and shame.
She loves my kids in her way. I also feel she uses them in the sense that she can take pictures of them to her office and tell stories about them, to make herself seem more acceptable, normal, validated, or something. It's not about them, it's about her.
Is it better for kids to have a grandmother who loves them limitedly and conditionally, than to have no grandmother at all? Is it better for me to have a very limited, superficial mother, or none at all? I don't know.
But when it comes to my mom… That's where I am filled with questions and self-doubt. I hadn't seen/spoken to her in 6 months until about a week ago. I had things I needed to say to her, so my therapist invited her for a session. I said what I needed to, she freaked out and left. She came back to the session, accosted me, leaving marks on my arms, demanding an explanation for something I can't explain. It has left me realizing she doesn't have anything to give. She loves me to the full extent of her capacity, but she is just very limited.
Now that I am a parent myself, I find it impossible to justify or understand some of the things she did or didn't do, where I was able to in the past. Intellectually, I know it's not about understanding the why, it's about accepting it for what it is. I want to forgive and feel compassion for her, but I'm really stuck on how to get there.
Then there's the matter of even if I forgive her, if she doesn't have anything to bring to the relationship, what's the point? I don't feel love and acceptance from her. I feel obligation, inadequacy, guilt, and shame.
She loves my kids in her way. I also feel she uses them in the sense that she can take pictures of them to her office and tell stories about them, to make herself seem more acceptable, normal, validated, or something. It's not about them, it's about her.
Is it better for kids to have a grandmother who loves them limitedly and conditionally, than to have no grandmother at all? Is it better for me to have a very limited, superficial mother, or none at all? I don't know.
