Welcome depressed guy.
You sound a lot like the typical atheist as seen by the typical christian.... and never quite hitting the mark of what atheist is all about...
Anyway, in case you're the real deal, go with what others have said: seek professional help.
Don't seek such help on an online forum... Forum people are here just to troll and have an occasional thoughtful conversation. Although... truth be told... this forum is pretty vacant of trolls (here's to our fine mods!)
You sound a lot like the typical atheist as seen by the typical christian.... and never quite hitting the mark of what atheist is all about...
Anyway, in case you're the real deal, go with what others have said: seek professional help.
Don't seek such help on an online forum... Forum people are here just to troll and have an occasional thoughtful conversation. Although... truth be told... this forum is pretty vacant of trolls (here's to our fine mods!)