RE: Have you had experiences you'd describe as sacred, mystical and/or religious?
August 19, 2014 at 11:33 pm
This one:
The experience I had was one I've come to recognize as fitting a frame of reference I did not possess at that time.
When my friend Brian was dying of AIDS I was aware I was having an unprecedented reaction to Brian, death, life, and sobriety. At the time, Brian was like #12 or so of people I knew that were dying/dead from HIV. I assumed ~12 was the number I could 'take' and my reaction that seemed triggered by Brian was actually just the accumulation of losing 12 so quickly.
I wound up depressed (and depressing) and was on Zoloft for quite a while. Progress was slow.
I realized some years later the 'big deal' with Brian was that I was in love with him. That condition was not obvious to me (although my BF at the time knew something was up) since Brian and I never had a happy or joyful moment, were never intimate, and he quickly and steadily succumbed to AIDS. Years later, I was pondering what was triggering with Brain, and I clearly recall saying to myself, " . . it's not like I was in love with Brian." and at that moment I had my answer. I was aware of the tremendous power unleashed when I encountered Brian, but I had already seen so much horror and knew there was so much more to come, but I didn't realize the special place in my heart Brian would always have. Lacking the true explanation as to what 'power' Brian possessed, I had decided he was a charismatic type, and the HIV had given him a 'gift' amid all the destruction it also brought. I was aware no one else seemed that much affected by Brian, and it was puzzling to me. Rich, my BF at the time, definitely knew I was in deep distress over Brian, and he was not able to reach me in my despair.
I have since learned these events were interpreted by Rich as a 'calling' to go full time in helping HIV patients. And yes, he did his work in and for a Catholic religious order. I didn't exactly put an old boyfriend in a monastery, but he never regretted his choice, and I am not inclined to argue with it either.
Brians been gone 25 years, and he was 25 when he died. He'd be 50 now, I'd fuck up the timeline to have him back . . . .
The experience I had was one I've come to recognize as fitting a frame of reference I did not possess at that time.
When my friend Brian was dying of AIDS I was aware I was having an unprecedented reaction to Brian, death, life, and sobriety. At the time, Brian was like #12 or so of people I knew that were dying/dead from HIV. I assumed ~12 was the number I could 'take' and my reaction that seemed triggered by Brian was actually just the accumulation of losing 12 so quickly.
I wound up depressed (and depressing) and was on Zoloft for quite a while. Progress was slow.
I realized some years later the 'big deal' with Brian was that I was in love with him. That condition was not obvious to me (although my BF at the time knew something was up) since Brian and I never had a happy or joyful moment, were never intimate, and he quickly and steadily succumbed to AIDS. Years later, I was pondering what was triggering with Brain, and I clearly recall saying to myself, " . . it's not like I was in love with Brian." and at that moment I had my answer. I was aware of the tremendous power unleashed when I encountered Brian, but I had already seen so much horror and knew there was so much more to come, but I didn't realize the special place in my heart Brian would always have. Lacking the true explanation as to what 'power' Brian possessed, I had decided he was a charismatic type, and the HIV had given him a 'gift' amid all the destruction it also brought. I was aware no one else seemed that much affected by Brian, and it was puzzling to me. Rich, my BF at the time, definitely knew I was in deep distress over Brian, and he was not able to reach me in my despair.
I have since learned these events were interpreted by Rich as a 'calling' to go full time in helping HIV patients. And yes, he did his work in and for a Catholic religious order. I didn't exactly put an old boyfriend in a monastery, but he never regretted his choice, and I am not inclined to argue with it either.
Brians been gone 25 years, and he was 25 when he died. He'd be 50 now, I'd fuck up the timeline to have him back . . . .
