joke time

[Little lunch]

A hippie on a bus trip notices a beautiful nun sitting across from him. He strikes up a conversation and asks her out on a date.
She explains that that wouldn't be permitted as she is married to Jesus Christ and promptly hops off at the next stop.
The old male bus driver sees what's happened and offers the young man some advice.
'Every night at midnight, that young nun prays in the cemetery. With your long hair, if you were to dress up as Jesus Christ and mention how you two are supposed to be married, who knows what might happen', says the bus driver.
Sure enough, the hippie turns up to the cemetery just before midnight,dressed up as Jesus and walks into the dark clearing where the nun is praying.
'It is I, Jesus Christ, come to consecrate our holy marriage', said the hippie.
The nun, although seemingly shocked, quickly regains her composure and says,'Yes, my lord, but I couldn't explain a pregnancy to the church so could you please use the other hole.'
'Of course', said the young man, delighted that his plan was working.
So he gets on top and goes for it.
Finally spent, he slides off and says,'by the way, I'm not Jesus, I'm that hippie you rejected on the bus this afternoon.'
'That's alright, I'm not really a nun', says the bus driver.

---

'You only hear what you want to hear'
'Thanks, I like to keep it short in summer'

A woman turns to her husband and says,' look at this Harold, there's a new book out called,' Why men don't listen and why women can't read maps'.
'I can read fucking maps', he says.

-'Mum, what's your position on abortion'?
-'Ask your sister'.
-'But I don't have a sister'.