Conflicted, Life Has No Inherent Meaning But I Want to Adopt One

[LivingNumbers6.626]

If nothing has meaning for you, then you're an empty slate. Congratulations, you are free to GIVE life whatever meaning you want. You are God of your own life. You can throw it away, or you can see this realization as a moment of pure liberty-- you can literally do anything you want to.

But how do I know what to place into my empty box?

So far I know this:

1) I am 21, want to go back to school, and I know I'm smart enough to do it. Being a computer scientist or programmer could mean a whole lot, but is that the answer to my unhappiness?

2) I love to write, read, and play piano. But it's like a drug. Good in the moment, but eventually tomorrow I am wallowing in my own self pity and hatred.

3) I want to make people happy and be happy. But what does that mean?

Perhaps I am still suffering from the mormon programming where the member is victimized and always blamed for the purpose of indoctrination.

Perhaps I have an anger problem?

Perhaps I just have to be patient?

Or is there is eureka moment where we suddenly realize how we find meaning and happiness in this thing we call the "human experience"?

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Snow...white girl, candy cane, gutter glitter, yayo....coke...cocaine man...cocaine (christ, no wonder you're depressed). If you had some..you wouldn't -need- any money for hookers.

Hahaha. I see. I think medical marijuana is the extent to my experimentation, but thank you for the suggestion. hahaha