Conflicted, Life Has No Inherent Meaning But I Want to Adopt One

[KevinM1]

2) I love to write, read, and play piano. But it's like a drug. Good in the moment, but eventually tomorrow I am wallowing in my own self pity and hatred.

I'm really curious about this. Why does expressing yourself lead to these kinds of emotions?

Beyond that, I think you're looking at things too narrowly. You're looking for the thing that will give your life meaning. IMO, that's impossible. Life isn't just about focusing on one thing. It's part profession, part hobby(/ies), part personal relationships, part politics, part philosophy, part community service, etc. We are all a tapestry of thoughts and experiences and gains and losses.

In a lot of ways, the journey is the answer. Striving to do something, to be someone yields its own rewards. And you won't know what (and/or whom) truly makes you happy until you try your hand at everything you can think of. If you're curious about school, try it (making sure you can pay for it, first)! If you think self-expression could be your thing, practice, go to workshops or devoted training/teachers!

There's no downside to trying things. And it's useless to attempt to predict if something will make you happy. You need to get into the moment, and decide based on the experience itself. So, be open to new experiences and try things out.

So, yeah, be patient. Hardly anyone rolls out of bed one morning, makes a declaration of what their life will be, and then makes it happen. The vast majority operate with fits and starts, and a whole heap of failures with successes sprinkled in.