The best yelp! comment from "Jesus C.":
Quote:I stopped in on My way from ministering to a couple of homeless gay prostitutes who were ill and in need of some spiritual counseling and healing. Beautiful souls, but all that "laying in of hands" stuff and washing of feet really works up an appetite, so when I saw that Memories advertised "Good Christian Values" I thought, "Hey, this is where the Messiah can go to get a slice at a good price!" In fact, I figured I probably had a pretty good shot at a discount.
I was disappointed from the moment I walked in. Of course, I was wearing My robes, sandals and hair like I do, and immediately they asked Me if I was gay. I said, "Well, I do love My neighbor as Myself." They tried to tell Me that was gay and make Me leave, but I explained it was just Christian, although I had to show them the passage in the Bible that stated that. These "Christians" actually had no idea who I was.
So finally they seated Me, and I was a little startled to see that the waitress was wearing denim jeans and a silk blouse, in total contravention of the stricture in Leviticus stating that one should not combine fabrics. But since that is the same book with that stupid shit in it about some people loving each other being an abomination, I just blew it off. I mean, it's always been clear in everything I said that My teachings are the new way, and I don't care what clothes you wear or whom you sleep with as long as you are kind to one another. Besides, that book also prohibits serving meat and dairy together, and how in My name would that allow Me to have My favorite meat lovers' special with extra cheese?
They didn't have a liquor license, and when I asked why, they said drinking was un-Christian. Again, news to Me, but hey, there was a glass of water on the table, so one wave of My hand and I was set.
So anyway, the pizza finally got there (although My Dad created most of Europe in less time), and while I was eating, I asked the owners about the gay questions when I walked in. They explained that they somehow thought I intended them to exclude people from their business because of whom they loved. I tried gently to explain that they were off-base in a big way, and that I just wanted people to love one another, period, and then they had the balls to tell Me I was not a good Christian! They STILL had not figured out who was. How dumb can you be? I mean, for the love of Me, there was a picture of Me right there on the wall, in the same robe I was wearing that day. It was a pretty good likeness, too, except for the ridiculous blue eyes and blonde hair those assclowns always try to give Me.
By this time I was getting pretty wroth, I can tell you, especially when they started giving Me grief about sneaking wine into their place and calling Me a liar when I said I made it Myself. I thought about calling a strike in from Dad, but I am trying to be better than that; My Father is so totally Old Testament. So I just paid the bill and got out of there.
Indiana. Who needs ' em. I am still not sure I shouldn't send a plague of locusts to fuck up their corn crop.
By the way, ironically enough, the pizza tasted like shit someone had stirred with his dick.
