(May 6, 2015 at 1:19 pm)dahrling Wrote:(May 6, 2015 at 12:47 pm)Pyrrho Wrote: How it came up was that one of us suggested the idea of adding romance to our relationship, and the other agreed that it was a good idea. I am not sure after all these years who suggested the idea first. The idea was originally put forth in a very tentative way. But if the other person had indicated that he or she was not receptive, then things would have just gone on as they had before. We would have continued with a platonic relationship.
As for how one decides to make such a change, in my case, I thought about what my friend was like, and also what I wanted in a romantic partner. Those things matched up very well, and so I thought it was a good idea. That is only part of it. I also felt like it was a good idea. I cannot give you a good explanation for that, but thinking about her helped with that.
Remember, we had known each other for a full year. We also spent a good amount of time in each other's company during that time, both around others, and alone together. We knew each other very well before we added romance to our relationship.
As for your idea of telling someone after they have a different romantic partner, that is not the best time to tell the person. The best time is when the person does not have a romantic partner. If they reject you and then later on have a romantic partner, they already know how you feel (or at least how you felt), so there is likely no need to tell them again at that point.
I think it's wonderful your wife is also your best friend
I'm not sure if this happens with frequency, but it seems to me like if it did we wouldn't consider divorce to be as common as we do now
...
I think it is wonderful that my wife is my best friend, too. I highly recommend this approach to spouse selection, if, that is, one wishes to marry.
I think many people marry too quickly, without spending enough time getting to know each other adequately. There are many things that can make people incompatible, without anyone being bad or "at fault." For example, if one person wants, more than anything else, to live in Manhattan, and the other person wants, more than anything else, to live in the Rocky Mountains in a cabin in the woods, those two people are not compatible, and should not marry. But neither is a bad person for it. People need to be compatible on everything that is important to either person, or there will be trouble.
When considering things like marriage, one needs to remember the practical aspects of it, and not just the romance. A marriage is a legal contract, with all sorts of details, which vary by country and, within the U.S., vary by state as well. If one does not want the legal contract, one ought not get married at all.
As for divorce, there are many things that correlate with that. Here is a link to some government statistics on this for the U.S.:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
One of the many things is age. In the statistics, they use the age of the woman at the time of her first marriage. Basically, the older the woman, the less likely there will be a divorce. The greatest effects of this seem to be taken care of by age 25, which makes sense, given recent research showing that brain development is not complete in humans until about that age. If you marry too young, you are more likely to change your mind about how you want to live your life, and if you do, you may find yourself no longer compatible with your spouse.
There are other things that you can select, too, but some of the things that correlate with a higher divorce rate are out of your control. But if you are careful and reasonable in your approach, you will minimize the risk of serious problems.
"A wise man ... proportions his belief to the evidence."
— David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding, Section X, Part I.
