Religion makes sense

[Redbeard The Pink]

Really? When I truly reflect on my inner self, I am overwhelmed with certainty that my and other humans' thoughts are made out of little rice grains carried around inside our heads by little blue men, who then bake these grains into wrinkly, gray rice cakes that store our ideas, beliefs, and memories. These men guide our actions, thoughts, and deeds, and have a supreme moral code that they whisper in our ears at night when they enter our ear canals to mate and give birth.

Because we are stupid and they are awesome, we mostly don't understand what they say, even though they're all telling us the same thing, and so we write it down imperfectly and fight over what it all really means; this is where differing morality comes from in the face of consistent, objective moral truth from these little blue men.

Furthermore, because these little blue men are behind our eyes, which don't roll back far enough, they are completely impossible to see, and because we can't see them, we make up all kinds of characters in our heads to describe the source of the voices these little blue men speak in; this is where gods come from.

Now, these little blue men take great pains to hide from humans because they understand human nature; if we really thought little blue men controlled all our thoughts and actions by whispering in our ears and baking the rice cakes in our heads, we would deafen ourselves and bash our own heads in trying to free ourselves from their influence. Because of this, if you look into a person's ear to see the little blue men, they just hide deeper inside his head, and if you use machines or crack a skull open to try to look at the little blue men, they dive into the wrinkly gray rice cakes and start giving off electromagnetic frequencies; we mistakenly conflate these "brain waves" with actual patterns of thought, but those are really just the farts of the little blue men from eating their way into the rice cakes. IF you cut into the rice cakes to find the little blue men, they vanish with their magic powers.

As you can clearly see, my tone is organized, sincere, and cogent, so I am obviously not crazy. It is also impossible to disprove anything I've said. As such, it is irresponsible, closed-minded, and un-American for you to not concede the possibility that I could be right, and if I am and you don't believe me the little blue men will travel down your spine and chop out your butt-hole with spoons. You don't want to get your butt-hole chopped out, do you? Best believe in those little blue men, then.