What to say to Grandma?

[cosmowanderer]

Finally, I want to apologize for the wall of text.

It is a very complex issue and one I have personally wrestled with, in my family, for years.

it is important to stay calm and in-control, and to think very clearly.

you have to go slow, step-by-step, and not allow the issue to spiral out of control or become muddled.

So it is complicated, and I feel quite bad for posting so much text.

But it comes from the heart and I hope it helps you.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for this, all of it.

MTL, if her grandmother cannot handle the truth, then cosmowanderer has already made a mistake in telling her grandmother that she is an atheist.  If her grandmother is made of porcelain and will break, then keeping her atheism to herself would have been best.  So, assuming that it was not a mistake to tell her grandmother that she is an atheist, I would (if I were in her situation) talk to her whenever she brings up the topic.  And if my grandmother could not handle such things, I never would have told her in the first place.  Doing this sort of thing halfway is generally a recipe for a bad outcome, a constant source of vexation for all concerned.

Pyrrho, thanks for your input, too.

Both of you have been helpful—it's making me consider all options.

I never told my grandma, and didn't intend on telling her. My best guess is that my dad told her; I came out as an atheist to my mom a while back, she was supportive but not thrilled, then my mom told my dad. He "tolerates" my atheism, but throws out Christianity when the opportunity arises. He's not berating about it, thankfully, but he does like to inject it here and there.

As for my grandma, I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would be upset about it. I think her goal is to save my soul and keep me from burning in hell. This is the first interaction we've had about it, so I don't know how long she's known or if she intends on talking about it face-to-face at some point. I didn't want to pretend I was "confused" or "lost" or anything like that, and I definitely don't want to pretend to be theist when I'm not, for a myriad of reasons. I want to be honest, but I don't want to come across as attacking when I defend myself. I don't feel I should be closeted as an atheist, so when I'm approached about it, I am honest.

She hasn't replied to the last email I sent her, and I don't know if she will or if she'll just wait to bring it up later. Knowing my grandma, this probably will be the first of many attempts to "save" me. I think I'm just going to ask her to not talk about it and respect my views by leaving it off the table for discussion. I don't think she'll stop talking about it after that, but I know it'll likely become more indirect attacks, like tagging me in Facebook posts about Jesus or saying comments in front of me about it to someone else. We'll see what happens. I know she's not interested or open to hearing any reasoning behind any belief system that is not Catholicism, so it would do nothing but harm if I tried to send info or evidence or logic or my reasons behind atheism.