"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
-Emo Philips
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
–Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
"Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
– Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
– Tim VineI
"Grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom."
-Bob Hope
-Emo Philips
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
–Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
"Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
– Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
– Tim VineI
"Grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom."
-Bob Hope
"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me."
“I may be on the side of the angels but don’t think for one second that I am one of them.”
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day."
“I may be on the side of the angels but don’t think for one second that I am one of them.”
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day."