RE: joke time
July 24, 2019 at 12:22 am
(This post was last modified: July 24, 2019 at 12:24 am by Rev. Rye.)
Here's an old joke I discovered recently: St. Peter decides only people who've had a particularly gruesome demise will get into Heaven. As soon as he decides this, three men come in in short succession.
Man 1 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "So, I came home early from work one day, and I found my wife naked in bed. The balcony door was wide open. Then I looked out and saw a man hanging onto the railing for dear life. I put two and two together and I took a hammer and I hit his fingers until he fell. Unfortunately, he fell into a dumpster, so he lived. Then, thinking quickly, I took the wardrobe and hurled it down. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to carry a full wardrobe, but they're heavy. When the adrenaline wore off, I had a heart attack, and so I end up here." St. Peter thinks about it and lets him in.
Man 2 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "Well, it all started when I started doing calisthenics on my balcony. Somehow, I lost my balance and fell off. Fortunately, I managed to grab onto another balcony's railing. But then, this lunatic comes in and starts wailing on my hands with a hammer for no goddam reason (pardon my language) and I fall again. By an extraordinary stroke of luck, I fell into a dumpster and the filth broke my fall. Then - I wouldn't believe this if I didn't see it myself - He tosses a fucking wardrobe on my head. And so, I end up here." St. Peter thinks about it and lets him in.
Man 3 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "So, picture this: I'm hiding in a wardrobe-"
Okay, full disclosure, this came from a TVTropes page on Russian Humour, but it's one that really seems to work about as well in a Western context.
Certainly better than the one about how Americans figured out that Russian rockets were made out of three interchangeable and interlocking parts: khuyevina, pizd'ulina, and a poyeben' (Because, for reasons that are fucking bizarre to me, there's only about four main swear words in Russian [meaning roughly, cock, cunt, fuck, and whore], but apparently, they're so ubiquitous [particularly in industrial contexts] that damn near EVERYTHING not only has a name built around those four dirty words, but in a factory context, people will use those obscene names far more often than the actual word.)
Man 1 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "So, I came home early from work one day, and I found my wife naked in bed. The balcony door was wide open. Then I looked out and saw a man hanging onto the railing for dear life. I put two and two together and I took a hammer and I hit his fingers until he fell. Unfortunately, he fell into a dumpster, so he lived. Then, thinking quickly, I took the wardrobe and hurled it down. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to carry a full wardrobe, but they're heavy. When the adrenaline wore off, I had a heart attack, and so I end up here." St. Peter thinks about it and lets him in.
Man 2 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "Well, it all started when I started doing calisthenics on my balcony. Somehow, I lost my balance and fell off. Fortunately, I managed to grab onto another balcony's railing. But then, this lunatic comes in and starts wailing on my hands with a hammer for no goddam reason (pardon my language) and I fall again. By an extraordinary stroke of luck, I fell into a dumpster and the filth broke my fall. Then - I wouldn't believe this if I didn't see it myself - He tosses a fucking wardrobe on my head. And so, I end up here." St. Peter thinks about it and lets him in.
Man 3 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "So, picture this: I'm hiding in a wardrobe-"
Okay, full disclosure, this came from a TVTropes page on Russian Humour, but it's one that really seems to work about as well in a Western context.
Certainly better than the one about how Americans figured out that Russian rockets were made out of three interchangeable and interlocking parts: khuyevina, pizd'ulina, and a poyeben' (Because, for reasons that are fucking bizarre to me, there's only about four main swear words in Russian [meaning roughly, cock, cunt, fuck, and whore], but apparently, they're so ubiquitous [particularly in industrial contexts] that damn near EVERYTHING not only has a name built around those four dirty words, but in a factory context, people will use those obscene names far more often than the actual word.)
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.