Feeling pretty gutted

[MTL]

Well, I wrote out the story....but I didn't post it because it's about 12 PAGES LONG.

It also sounds very petulant, small and juvenile.
It is basically a story of a jealous sibling.

Compared to real horrors, like stuff Rocket had been through,
this is kids' stuff.


It just hurts me, because it's my family.

I have basically spent over a decade trying to please other people,
when I could have easily kept my own life.

My sister is the kind of person who would, herself, be outraged
at someone not being held accountable for their actions;

but with me, she doesn't see any need for the basic rules of decency to apply.

She regards me as the worst person on the planet,
and treats me as such.


She knows I suffer with depression, but she ridicules it
...she wouldn't do that to anyone else with depression.

What also really haunts me is the fear of the future
...she seems to take such delight in seeing me crushed,
and her appetite for it seems insatiable;

and it is clear that no amount of kind acts on my part softens her.

I worry that someday, long after I'm out of here,
she will look for some way to come after me, legally,
asserting emotional damage or claiming that I owe money,
because I lived at home for so long, or some such.

Especially since she has kept diaries,
and I just know that they are filled with vitriol against me;

but a judge might consider that the only viable record,
since I have NOT kept a journal...I was too busy working.

Yet she could write anything she wants in there.
It could be 100% lies.

I have started keeping a brief journal in recent years,
....but nothing like the records she has kept for decades.

As Rocket has observed, sometimes an accusation is enough.

That's why I want to consult with a lawyer, to be guarded, prepared, and informed.

Or, she may seek revenge in other ways;
she may simply try to sabotage some endeavor of mine,
shame me publicly in some way,
slander me to my friends or my employer...who knows.

I realize this sounds paranoid,
but she seems so bent on convincing me of my own worthlessness,
I don't think she'd do anything but a happy dance if anything bad every happened to me.

EDIT:

Part of what also hurts me is that I know she is fully capable of being better than this,

...and she knows that I believe she can be good...

yet she deliberately chooses to turn into a Sociopath....just for me.