I feel brittle, lonely, and tired. I can't reach out to any of the people I want to reach out to in any meaningful way, and the ones I can reach out to have never felt like this. Their solutions are dismissive. There's writing to be done, but I can't fucking do it. I'm at a "low" point, I know it, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like my ribcage has been hollowed out and filled with lead weights, either.
Started therapy today, and it's like, why are we focusing on me, again? What use does that have? What value has there ever been, in giving me any time in the spotlight?
I'm unwell, but when you've spent as long as I have not allowing yourself to have goals beyond the immediate so as not to be a bother to anyone, your mental state ceases to matter to you. You're not healthy or unhealthy, you just are, and that can't be changed because you're not a person who changes. You're barely a person at all. It's like going through life without a sense of touch: if you can't even perceive the world changing when you interact with it, at what point do you give up trying?
And then I get told that I should be doing this for myself, not because others want me to. Like I'm going to suddenly see the value in doing that if I'm just told to enough.
I want to go home.
Started therapy today, and it's like, why are we focusing on me, again? What use does that have? What value has there ever been, in giving me any time in the spotlight?
I'm unwell, but when you've spent as long as I have not allowing yourself to have goals beyond the immediate so as not to be a bother to anyone, your mental state ceases to matter to you. You're not healthy or unhealthy, you just are, and that can't be changed because you're not a person who changes. You're barely a person at all. It's like going through life without a sense of touch: if you can't even perceive the world changing when you interact with it, at what point do you give up trying?
And then I get told that I should be doing this for myself, not because others want me to. Like I'm going to suddenly see the value in doing that if I'm just told to enough.
I want to go home.
"YOU take the hard look in the mirror. You are everything that is wrong with this world. The only thing important to you, is you." - ronedee
Want to see more of my writing? Check out my (safe for work!) site, Unprotected Sects!
Want to see more of my writing? Check out my (safe for work!) site, Unprotected Sects!