What's the alonest you've ever been?

[Edwardo Piet]

When I have plucked up the courage to go out, because I do try, I'm just as alone as when I don't, only with more people around.

I know that one all to well. In fact, I've always felt that way and I pretty much go out to shop and that's it. And other than that I volunteer because I'm supposed to and I like to help other conscious beings, even if I feel completely alone when amongst the other volunteers. And I do. I mostly don't even feel the same species as other humans.

And I play poker because I enjoy poker. But I haven't felt up to it for a while. I haven't been in some weeks. But even when I do feel up to it, everyone feels the same, no one feels real or relatable or like anyone I could befriend and I just show up for the poker really. They may as well be robots. I like poker. I like people . . . but I don't like feeling completely invisible.

I can't even relate to people on the internet much. But it's much, much, much better than in RL. At least I can find some intelligent people here and not just generic morons. And some people really know how to enthuse and genuinely show they care without telling me what I ought to do, here on the net. I'm always willing to show my own emotional support for others I care about online too . . . I'm just not a problem solver. I'm not here to give advice, and I don't respond well to advice either. I can't follow my own damn advice let alone anybody else's. 99% of the time I know what I need to do. It's doing it that's the problem. I always feel like I've got nothing to lose but nothing to fucking gain either. It's like . . . it's not worth it what's the point if even when I got what I aimed for I wouldn't feel any happier?

There's a couple of people online I've gotten close to. Less than a couple that I've gotten really close to. One day, somehow, I wish to get close to someone again. I don't aim high. It would be enough just to feel I meant that much to someone again who didn't share my D.N.A. so closely and didn't just start every fucking sentence with "You need to". Touch is not necessary for me. It would be ideal. But I just want to feel loved. Even from a distance.

That's why I drink a lot, so I can feel something.

And I started that one. But thankfully I use video games and music as a more primary escape and I can't imagine going any further down the beer rabbit hole.

EDIT: Actually, my biggest escape of all is thinking aloud to people all the time on the net. The idea is that I don't have to hear my thoughts if I can speak them out loud via a filter. Like I literally can't hear myself think right now because I can only hear myself typing this non-upsetting non-intrusive sentence. That's my biggest self. Just talk constantly. I'd start talking to myself if it weren't for the fact I'd start saying the same shit my thoughts say and my thoughts are fucking painful. Fuck my thoughts but the best way to avoid the pain of my thoughts is to just speak constantly to people. Like when I'm typing this it's literally impossible for me to be aware of any negative thoughts and therefore literally impossible to have to deal with them. I'm an escapist.

But it's not so much negative thoughts that give me the greatest distress. It's the repetitive nature of it and the meaningless and futility of it. And the O.C.D. doesn't help. Like . . . . I basically engage in compulsive talking because my obsessive thinking is too painful.