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how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Not sure if this is the right forum for this question, but I can't see another place for it.
I don't believe I need to be forgiven by any kind of god--sometimes I wish it was that easy. I treated an innocent person very badly many years ago, and now they are dead (maybe because of me). I would never treat anyone that way now, and I can't fathom how I could ever have been so cruel. I can't forgive myself, because there's nothing I can do to make it up to them--no way to go back and treat them as they deserved to be treated. Even though I am very conscientious about how I treat people now, I can't get past this. Am I just stuck with the guilt? I don't believe in a fiery pit, but I am in hell over this situation--tormented with regret for my behavior. Is that just too bad for me, or is there a way I can forgive myself? Thanks.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 8:23 pm
I can completely appreciate this question, as it is one that has haunted me for most of my life.
The key to this is the realization and acceptance that you cannot undo what has been done, but you can affect what has not yet come to be. Focus on what you can do, rather than on what you cannot. Strive to act consistently with your values.
Yeah, that makes it sound so simple, doesn't it? But that is where it starts - redirecting your thoughts away from regret and towards recovery. It isn't easy.
Seeing a therapist probably would help get you through this.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 8:31 pm
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 8:37 pm
You know, Spel, I think your attitude is a lot healthier than some of these religious fuckwits who con themselves that their "god" has forgiven them. Meanwhile, they do not change their behavior a bit. Perhaps best stated by Robert Green Ingersoll when he said:
Quote:If I owe Smith ten dollars and God forgives me, that doesn't pay Smith.
You made a mistake. You admit it and you feel guilt. I'll bet you never do it again unlike ignorant jesus freaks who are always ready to cash in their "get out of hell free cards" by pretending that some holy joe can tell them they are forgiven.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 10:56 pm
(June 10, 2012 at 8:23 pm)Cthulhu Dreaming Wrote: I can completely appreciate this question, as it is one that has haunted me for most of my life.
The key to this is the realization and acceptance that you cannot undo what has been done, but you can affect what has not yet come to be. Focus on what you can do, rather than on what you cannot. Strive to act consistently with your values.
Yeah, that makes it sound so simple, doesn't it? But that is where it starts - redirecting your thoughts away from regret and towards recovery. It isn't easy.
Seeing a therapist probably would help get you through this.
You're right, that does make it sound simple. And you're also right that it's not that easy. Yes, I learned from my experience, and I changed my trajectory & made a lot of lives better because of it, but I can't give back that person's life, or give them the love and understanding they needed so badly. I've been to many therapists, but no luck forgiving myself. They all say the same thing you've said. I guess I was looking for some logical, reasonable, intellectual argument for why it's ok to let it go.
I don't obsess on it all the time--mostly only on her birthday and her death date. Maybe that's a small price to pay for the damage I've done. I guess I could just be grateful the guilt doesn't plague me 24/7. Maybe I should just accept that this is how it will be at least twice a year. I guess I owe her that.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 11:02 pm
(June 10, 2012 at 10:56 pm)spelbynder Wrote: I guess I was looking for some logical, reasonable, intellectual argument for why it's ok to let it go.
Because it serves no further purpose to not let it go. You've learned from it, and no amount of future guilt will alter what is. It sounds as though you have already endured enough guilt.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 11:05 pm
(June 10, 2012 at 8:37 pm)Minimalist Wrote: You know, Spel, I think your attitude is a lot healthier than some of these religious fuckwits who con themselves that their "god" has forgiven them. Meanwhile, they do not change their behavior a bit. Perhaps best stated by Robert Green Ingersoll when he said:
Quote:If I owe Smith ten dollars and God forgives me, that doesn't pay Smith.
You made a mistake. You admit it and you feel guilt. I'll bet you never do it again unlike ignorant jesus freaks who are always ready to cash in their "get out of hell free cards" by pretending that some holy joe can tell them they are forgiven.
As wrong as it is, I do sometimes take comfort in thinking, "Well, at least I'm not as bad as THOSE hypocrites!" But then I remember that feeling better or stronger or smarter than someone is what caused me to behave the way I did that put me in this mess in the first place.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 11:06 pm
(This post was last modified: June 10, 2012 at 11:07 pm by The Grand Nudger.)
You don't "owe" her anything, the dead have no need,no means, and no desire to collect on a debt in any case, real or imagined.
Whether or not you will continue to beat yourself up over whatever it was that you did is a situation that comes down to you entirely. You're asking for logical or rational discourse about grief, which isn't exactly known to be the most logical or rational motivator human beings toil under.... Good luck.
I am the Infantry. I am my country’s strength in war, her deterrent in peace. I am the heart of the fight… wherever, whenever. I carry America’s faith and honor against her enemies. I am the Queen of Battle. I am what my country expects me to be, the best trained Soldier in the world. In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win. Never will I fail my country’s trust. Always I fight on…through the foe, to the objective, to triumph overall. If necessary, I will fight to my death. By my steadfast courage, I have won more than 200 years of freedom. I yield not to weakness, to hunger, to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds, For I am mentally tough, physically strong, and morally straight. I forsake not, my country, my mission, my comrades, my sacred duty. I am relentless. I am always there, now and forever. I AM THE INFANTRY! FOLLOW ME!
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 11:10 pm
(June 10, 2012 at 11:02 pm)Cthulhu Dreaming Wrote: (June 10, 2012 at 10:56 pm)spelbynder Wrote: I guess I was looking for some logical, reasonable, intellectual argument for why it's ok to let it go.
Because it serves no further purpose to not let it go. You've learned from it, and no amount of future guilt will alter what is. It sounds as though you have already endured enough guilt.
You're right--she's beyond being hurt now, and I learned a painful lesson I'll never forget. There really is no further use in feeling guilty. That actually helps. Thank you.
I kind of wonder if I keep tormenting myself so I won't ever forget and slip back into hateful behavior. Hmm, food for thought.
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RE: how do you forgive yourself?
June 10, 2012 at 11:11 pm
(This post was last modified: June 10, 2012 at 11:12 pm by The Grand Nudger.)
Its interesting to wonder whether or not the grief we assign a positive and altruistic value judgement towards is actually a front for self interest, isn't it? 
I am the Infantry. I am my country’s strength in war, her deterrent in peace. I am the heart of the fight… wherever, whenever. I carry America’s faith and honor against her enemies. I am the Queen of Battle. I am what my country expects me to be, the best trained Soldier in the world. In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win. Never will I fail my country’s trust. Always I fight on…through the foe, to the objective, to triumph overall. If necessary, I will fight to my death. By my steadfast courage, I have won more than 200 years of freedom. I yield not to weakness, to hunger, to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds, For I am mentally tough, physically strong, and morally straight. I forsake not, my country, my mission, my comrades, my sacred duty. I am relentless. I am always there, now and forever. I AM THE INFANTRY! FOLLOW ME!
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