6 proofs that Satan is the winning the war against God (humor)

[Raven]

Code:

Faith No More wrote: Perhaps the devil is just a split personality of god's that he is unaware of, and this whole time he's been thwarting himself. Sort of like "A Scanner Darkly" without the drugs.

I guess that means that we'd better find a divine psychiatrist so we can get the cosmos straightened out, eh?

[Faith No More]

God's mind is unknowable. We're all fucked.

[Raven]

I think you are probably right.

[Drich]

I can't help but feel as if the devil has proven himself to have superior wit and intellect than even god himself. I mean, god's so stupid and naive that he allowed the devil to be around his children during a stage of critical development. Meanwhile, the devil foils the whole plan in just a matter of minutes.

It's now clear to me why the devil got himself kicked out of heaven: he wanted out. In heaven, he was just the key pawn in heaven's hell of constant godly worship. In getting booted, however, he got to start playing the ultimate game of chess against god, and has obviously been kicking his ass ever since. Don't think so? Here is some proof:

#1. The fall of man. Satan orchestrated this with relative ease, taking full advantage of god's naivety and stupidity.

#2. The Job bet. Many might think that god won this bet because of the fact that Job didn't curse god, but the real winner is the devil for coaxing god into a petty bet in the first place. A bet that cost Job all of his sons and daughters, his property, and a significant period of humiliation and physical suffering.

#3. The tempting of Christ. While Jesus did not give in to any of the temptation, he was made to look like a fool during which. Satan took Jesus to a very high mountain and showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world, saying "All these things I will give you if you fall down and do an act of worship to me" Jesus refused, but he may not have noticed Satan laughing hysterically at the same time while thinking: "The world is round, you idiot! You really are a chip off the old block! LOL" ...... Yes, people, Satan thinks in text lingo.

#4. Christ's Crucifixion. The whole time Jesus is suffering, Satan is there thinking: "All of this because I got some woman to take a bite out of an apple!?!? I've got to get my phone and take some pictures of this. This is too good to be true! The old man has finally lost it!"

#5. Christ's death and resurrection. The truth is, Jesus wasn't really capable of rising from the dead. However, during Jesus death, he went to hell (probably because he looked at god wrong or something stupid). During his stay, however, he quickly wore out his welcome with all of his self-sacrificial non-sense. He wanted the people down there to stop partying and start fasting and repenting. Eventually, enough people complained and Satan finally told Jesus, "Hey, dude, I gotta let you go, man. You are really fucking up the fun vibe down here, and I put a lot of work into this place to ensure it's nothing like the hell your dad call's heaven."

#6. Eternal suffering. At some point, Satan (or Lucifer) figured out that he could have the benefit of eternal life without the mental suffering of constant godly worship. All he had to do was offend god, something apparently none of the other angels were smart enough to figure out. A third of them, however, loved the idea and immediately joined him. At that point, Satan was like, "Only a third of you, fellas? Really?........ Alrighty then!"

I find it 'funny' how an atheist does not believe in the God of the bible but some how have access to intimate details to the mind/thoughts of satan.

[Darkstar]

I find it 'funny' how an atheist does not believe in the God of the bible but some how have access to intimate details to the mind/thoughts of satan.

hock: What? Oh no guys, it looks like we really do worship Satan!
(That or the OP was a joke...)

[Lord Privy Seal]

Not a single one of these is a proof, care to rearrange them so they are formal proofs or at least make the title of the thread accurate?

I hear ya man. I was expecting geometric proofs. Or repeated scientific experiments at a minimum. What a disappointment. /sarcasm

Didn't you notice the "(humor)" in the title of the thread?

Smax, you missed one of the big ones:

#5.5 The Battle of Armageddon:

Like most other supervillains, Yahweh just couldn't resist the temptation to monologue all about his Great Big Plan for World Domination. Unlike the average supervillain, whose Plan for the hero is something simple like "get fried and eaten by the sharks with frickin' laser beams on their foreheads" or "die in the volcano death-trap," Yahweh took megalomania to a whole new level. He decided to make Satan's plans for him, designing them as a miniature imitation of his own Great Big Plan because...who would ever want to make a plan different from Yahweh's?

Then he got the whole thing published in the Necronomic--er, Bible, so everybody could read it all in advance. Then, once everything worked out exactly how he intended (and how could it not--it's his Plan, after all), he could proudly beat his chest and boast of his ability to "proclaim the end from the beginning." What better entertainment could his "holy, holy, holy"-chanting minions ever hope for? It was such a brilliant plan Yahweh praised himself.

Then Yahweh hands Satan a copy of the Book of Revelation. "So, now that my Boy is home from his bad weekend for the sins o' the world, it's your turn," he says to Satan. "You'll incarnate yourself in a Chosen One just like I did. Except yours will take over the world and establish a brutal theocratic dictatorship. Like the one Jesus is gonna set up after he kicks your ass, but you won't kill nearly as many people or destroy the planetary biosphere like I will. Anyway, you'll set up this theocratic dictatorship and start killing all the Real, True Christians. Then I really start kicking ass! A third of the rivers here, half the ocean there, a third of the global population over here--blammo! I wipe 'em out, and that's only the start!

"See, I'll be holding this great big worship service here in Heaven, and every time somebody blows a trumpet or empties a vial of incense, it's a whole new genocide worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Mao put together! Every time! Am I awesome, or what? Then it's time for the Big Fight Scene: you'll get all the armies in the world--lots of horse cavalry, because giant cavalry charges are frickin' awesome!--and gather 'em all together in this place called the Valley of Megiddo. And that's when I'll rip open the heavens so Jesus can come back in total Terminator mode with all his angels and resurrected saints on white horses! He'll stomp all the surviving humans like Godzilla, getting blood all over his robes, and then he'll throw you and your Antichrist and your False Prophet--he's another guy you'll do, kinda like a fake John the Baptist, I guess--all into the Lake of Fire where you'll all suffer for eternity! BEHOLD, I HAVE PROCLAIMED IT IN ADVANCE! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

"Uh...hahaha...okaaay..." Satan says, quietly backing away. Then he returns to Earth and makes a brilliant strategic move that causes Yahweh's plans to collapse into a rubble of utter failure:

He does nothing.

In his hubris, Yahweh made the triumphant return of Jesus contingent on Satan carrying out a long list of specific actions, thus trapping himself in a paradox. If he can predestine Satan's actions in this way, then Satan is a sock-puppet, and the whole schema of Yahweh's righteous wrath against rebellion and "sin" collapses. What "rebellion?" If he can't, if Satan has his own agency, then all Satan has to do to bottle Yahweh up in his jewelry-box castle forever is not play along.

[Darkstar]

Not a single one of these is a proof, care to rearrange them so they are formal proofs or at least make the title of the thread accurate?

I hear ya man. I was expecting geometric proofs. Or repeated scientific experiments at a minimum. What a disappointment. /sarcasm

Didn't you notice the "(humor)" in the title of the thread?

I think the thread title was edited to include "(humor)" after Statler made that post. Now as for Drich's response (unless Drich was also joking)...
(Compare the timestamp for the last edit of the OP compared to the respective posts)

[smax]

I find it 'funny' how an atheist does not believe in the God of the bible but some how have access to intimate details to the mind/thoughts of satan.

Look up the word satire. In fact, I'm beginning to think that every Christian in the world should look up that word.

---

Not a single one of these is a proof, care to rearrange them so they are formal proofs or at least make the title of the thread accurate?

I hear ya man. I was expecting geometric proofs. Or repeated scientific experiments at a minimum. What a disappointment. /sarcasm

Didn't you notice the "(humor)" in the title of the thread?

Smax, you missed one of the big ones:

#5.5 The Battle of Armageddon:

Like most other supervillains, Yahweh just couldn't resist the temptation to monologue all about his Great Big Plan for World Domination. Unlike the average supervillain, whose Plan for the hero is something simple like "get fried and eaten by the sharks with frickin' laser beams on their foreheads" or "die in the volcano death-trap," Yahweh took megalomania to a whole new level. He decided to make Satan's plans for him, designing them as a miniature imitation of his own Great Big Plan because...who would ever want to make a plan different from Yahweh's?

Then he got the whole thing published in the Necronomic--er, Bible, so everybody could read it all in advance. Then, once everything worked out exactly how he intended (and how could it not--it's his Plan, after all), he could proudly beat his chest and boast of his ability to "proclaim the end from the beginning." What better entertainment could his "holy, holy, holy"-chanting minions ever hope for? It was such a brilliant plan Yahweh praised himself.

Then Yahweh hands Satan a copy of the Book of Revelation. "So, now that my Boy is home from his bad weekend for the sins o' the world, it's your turn," he says to Satan. "You'll incarnate yourself in a Chosen One just like I did. Except yours will take over the world and establish a brutal theocratic dictatorship. Like the one Jesus is gonna set up after he kicks your ass, but you won't kill nearly as many people or destroy the planetary biosphere like I will. Anyway, you'll set up this theocratic dictatorship and start killing all the Real, True Christians. Then I really start kicking ass! A third of the rivers here, half the ocean there, a third of the global population over here--blammo! I wipe 'em out, and that's only the start!

"See, I'll be holding this great big worship service here in Heaven, and every time somebody blows a trumpet or empties a vial of incense, it's a whole new genocide worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Mao put together! Every time! Am I awesome, or what? Then it's time for the Big Fight Scene: you'll get all the armies in the world--lots of horse cavalry, because giant cavalry charges are frickin' awesome!--and gather 'em all together in this place called the Valley of Megiddo. And that's when I'll rip open the heavens so Jesus can come back in total Terminator mode with all his angels and resurrected saints on white horses! He'll stomp all the surviving humans like Godzilla, getting blood all over his robes, and then he'll throw you and your Antichrist and your False Prophet--he's another guy you'll do, kinda like a fake John the Baptist, I guess--all into the Lake of Fire where you'll all suffer for eternity! BEHOLD, I HAVE PROCLAIMED IT IN ADVANCE! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

"Uh...hahaha...okaaay..." Satan says, quietly backing away. Then he returns to Earth and makes a brilliant strategic move that causes Yahweh's plans to collapse into a rubble of utter failure:

He does nothing.

In his hubris, Yahweh made the triumphant return of Jesus contingent on Satan carrying out a long list of specific actions, thus trapping himself in a paradox. If he can predestine Satan's actions in this way, then Satan is a sock-puppet, and the whole schema of Yahweh's righteous wrath against rebellion and "sin" collapses. What "rebellion?" If he can't, if Satan has his own agency, then all Satan has to do to bottle Yahweh up in his jewelry-box castle forever is not play along.

Very creative, and very funny. You definitely outdid me. I love the creative use of Satan's autonomy. I hope some of these religious stiffs are able to get the irony of that angle.

I doubt it, however. Apparently, a true sign of a believer is not having any sense of irony or humor.

Imagine spending an eternity around stiffs like that! Sounds delightful, doesn't it?

---

I think the thread title was edited to include "(humor)" after Statler made that post.

Unfortunately, the obvious often escapes the religious, so blatant clarification is sometimes necessary.

I started out giving them benefit of the doubt, then quickly realized that was a naive move on my part.

[Tonus]

Not a single one of these is a proof, care to rearrange them so they are formal proofs or at least make the title of the thread accurate?

Maybe he meant "6 proof" as if referring to alcohol. Perhaps he intended to make it very weak.

I agree with LPS that Satan could wreck god's plans by not participating, but his past as described in the Bible paint him as something of a dupe, in the long run. After all, he'd been warned that he would "wound" the Christ, and he did so. Imagine if he'd refused to follow along?

The date: sometime in the Fall of 325 AD.

Jesus: You know, if you'd just cooperate, the Bible would've been assembled right about now.

Satan: Not my problem, dude. So stop bugging me.

Jesus: Come on! Do what you were prophesied to do, already! I'm old, I'm getting a bit cranky, and it's way past time to get it over with. Do you WANT things to continue like this?

Satan: *smirks*

Jesus: Right, forget I asked. Look, you've totally wrecked the schedule and it's really pissing me off--

Satan: Yeah, check it out bro, this is me...

*pauses for effect*

Satan: ...pretty much NOT. CARING.

Jesus: Dammit, listen to me, you despicable little fool!!! I will not--

*Jesus disappears in a puff of smoke*

Satan: *dies laughing*

Universe: *blinks out of existence*

[Mister Agenda]

Not a single one of these is a proof, care to rearrange them so they are formal proofs or at least make the title of the thread accurate?

Welcome back, Statler!

So, you're worried it might not be recognized as humor if not properly labeled?