The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Lower Learning. Since I didn't get any bites from my suggestions this time around, I had to pick my own. My initial pick was Dirty Love, but, remarkably, that's off Amazon Prime now. So, I decided to pick the one that I knew the most about. When I made my old list with the wherein subtitles, TVTropes could not provide any defining flaws. So, I guess now's the time to find out why.

• So, this kid's raising a visibly tattered flag, only bothers to raise it halfway, farts, and leaves, revealing a perfectly intact flag?
  
• Why the fuck does the principal's office have to be appointed like Teddy Roosevelt's ghost did the interior design, especially when everything else in the school look like shit? Hmm, I wonder where all the money that was mentioned as being embezzled in the beginning of the film went? And apparently, some students in this public school have uniforms, and I can only assume that this is Rob Cordrry's way of living like L. Ron Hubbard.
  
• Walk the railroad tracks until noon? Isn't that how Neal Casady died?
  
• Somehow, I don't think this kid with the wall of sound doesn't need huge racks of equipment that was probably made in the 1960s.
  
• Hitchhiking from Iowa to Maryland in one day? There has to be simpler means of suicide!
  
• Does Rob Cordrry not know what golf is? Since he thinks that he has to have a kid in a pool trying to catch the balls with a mitt?
  
  
  
• Is Mad Libs the only good program this school even has?
  
• I swear that the whole elementary school holding a fight club thing was on an episode of What the Fuck is Wrong With You.
  
• And is there a reason this school's being shut down in the middle of the year when it'd make more sense to do so during the summer? 
  
• You know, as far as bullying goes, putting a combination lock between the lenses of your glasses seems okay.
  
• Okay, so, apparently, nobody in the faculty cares about the fact that their school's being shut down because most everyone has tenure. Fortunately, I have a retired academic living with me, so I had someone I could easily check it with. Tenure only applies when the school is being taken over by another entity. If it's being shut down permanently with no replacement, then tenure cannot apply, because the institution that gave said tenure no longer exists. Also, tenure for grade school teachers isn't really a thing.
  
• One other, minor point, they've got a lot of product placement, except it's for fake products like Barlborl cigarettes, UBS, and Dip Dip, it's like they can't afford the proper royalties for the product placement, but have so little creativity they have to resort to taking the original logos and just change around which letters appear where. At least the Fruitsy Pop is original.
  
• Man, that performance of "U.S. Highball" was crap.
  
• Kids of kindergarten age (who are being read a book that I'm fairly certain I read at some point, although the bit about a dog raping a cat is new to me) announce their pregnancy and nobody seems to think this is unusual.
  
• Jesus God, they show kids a porno, and... is this supposed to be what Mr. Wong Burger did so he could afford to create his burger chain so he could finally finish his dickship and return to dick planet?
  
• So, this kid is convinced that this shithole is still the best possible outcome for a school? Fucking Hell, I never thought my mother raised other kids.
  
• Is that the extent of Cordrry's plan to counterract Jason Biggs' plans to just have some kids play music badly? And, for that matter, what even is Jason Biggs' plan, anyway? They talk about a walkout early in the film, but nothing comes of it until the media comes in later in the film.
  
• Having both your balls stuffed up your ass before they get chopped off first? What kind of Mobius Strip of a threat is that?
  
• So I told Dad about this film and he watched 10 minutes' worth of outtakes. Apparently it makes American Pie look like Shakespeare. A bit of an understatement, really.
  
• Why does nothing about this hostage negotiator flashback make any sense? And why is the one time he failed to get a delusional man to not kill a food vendor a sign that everything he does ends in failure? Especially when the killer fucked up the trajectory of the bullet and it only grazed his scalp?
  
• STOP FUCKING REPEATING "THEY GET DETENTION!"
  
• So, a lockdown is the cue for these kids to immediately start running out the room screaming?
  
• Why did the guy use his cattle prod on his fellow bodyguard?
  
• SOmehow, the movie about the grade school is the one reminding me of the old Chapo "post your hog" meme.
  

So, next week, I think I'm going to take on the worst-timed film in the history of the Project: Netflix' The Last Days of American Crime. And not only that, it's also the longest, clocking in at 149 minutes and one second.

[The Valkyrie]

Finally watched Blade Runner 2049.

Nice twist ending.

Surprisingly good.

Interesting that some of their advertising is a hundred foot tall naked holographic chick.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

It was okay, she wasn't a "real girl".

[Angrboda]

[Fake Messiah]

Happiest Season - actually not a bad movie, I mean it's good as it can be for a Christmas movie.

[HappySkeptic]

Charlie's Angels 2019

Kristen Stuart still isn't a great actress, but they decided to show the shape of her rather fine ass to compensate.

not the worst movie. A solid 6/10.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a dip back into Netflix for their 2020 drama, a strong contender for the worst-timed movie ever made, The Last Days of American Crime. It's basically about a future where, in a few days, the government is going to create a signal that stops people from knowingly committing a crime (not sure if that's a plausible idea). The same week it was released, people were protesting the death of George Floyd. Also, it's now the longest film in the history of the Project, clocking in at 149 minutes and one second.

• So, the opening is a long, drawn-out torture scene that culminates in a guy being tied up, placed in a bathtub full of gasoline, and being handed a lit cigar, telling them if they stand still enough, it might burn on their face and not fall into the gasoline in the tub. And then it pulls back to reveal a hole in the wall with a bunch of Benjamins sticking out, a cartoon playing on TV, and a couple other bodies.
  
• Is this just SOP for a bank heist? Tossing a wad of cash in the air? And can the symptoms be a bit less convoluted so I can understand what they are? And what's with the fucking Snorricam?
  
• So, what the fuck happened to America to make it go this bad in four years?
  
• And fuck you for using Portishead in this piece of shit!
  
• So, they devote a three-minute sex scene to the protagonist fucking a woman only to have the punchline be that she wanted to fuck a loser.
  
• "I was there, I saw him fucking die" is not a word. It's a phrase.
  
• So, it's 25 minutes in and we finally get to the plot: stealing $30 million in revenge for his brother's murder. Why does this movie need to be 149 minutes long?
  
• Okay, so how's the API supposed to effect the lives of the many cops who are out of a job now?
  
•  So, the signal freezes you. Why the fuck didn't it freeze the bank robbers in the beginning?
  
• So, ill-gotten gains become useless post-ADI? How the fuck does that work? So, the currency's going  to change? Isn't there usually a changeover period where the government buys back old money at the new value? And what's the fucking point of stealing all that old money that's supposed to be worthless when the API signal comes into being?
  
• Glorifying the police's right to commit deadly force on anyone they see fit to use it on. Gee, and I wonder why people thought this movie was released at the worst possible time. 
  
• So, they're going so far as shooting down celebrities who try to leave the country in jets? What hope do these criminals have of getting out? 
  
• Fucking Hell, a big, shouty argument between three people about fucking one's stepmother. Why should I care about these people? 
  
• And somehow gasoline cigar guy from the beginning survived.
  
• There's nothing like a good crime drama. And, of course, this is nothing like a good crime drama.
  
• Getting away with a billion dollars on a big fucking forklift. That certainly won't be conspicuous. 
  
• So, apparently the API signal can be overcome without fatal brain injury after all. 
  
• "I need you to tell me what's going on. Yes, you do have nice feet, but that doesn't answer my question. 
  

Yeah, it's not as intensive a review as it might be, but that's mostly because it's so mind-numbing I had to spend a lot of time fighting the urge to fall asleep.

Also, I think I'm going to add a couple little bonuses this coming month: taking on three shitty Christmas specials. The Littlest Light on The Christmas Tree will be coming soon, since I recently put the DVD on hold at my local library and is close to being available (probably on December 1), I think I'll take on Rapsittie Kids: Believe in Santa by the holiday itself, and, odds are, I'll find some time to put The Christmas Tree in there.

But, of course, I'll still do the usual horrible feature film, and, unless Amazon takes down While She Was Out, I'm thinking I'll do it next week. After all, it's set on Christmas Eve.

[Rev. Rye]

And this addendum to the Deep Hurting Project: The Littlest Light on the Christmas Tree. No interesting story here, either on screen or behind the scenes.

• Fucking Hell, literally all I'm seeing right now is a blue light, credits, and falling snowflakes, and already it looks like shit. Is there something about the framerate?
  
• So, putting a heart in a doll? I did the same with Alison, except I took two crochet hearts I got on Etsy and safety-pinned them to the inner pillow at the places where her heart would be in the pictures on both her corresponding sides.
  
• And once we get to see characters actually move, it's so fucking uncanny, it's almost like they're guest characters on Xavier: Renegade Angel that got infected by a computer virus. And got placed into a less funny show. This might have been excusable if this was made in the early nineties, but this was made in 2004. You know what else was made in 2004? Shrek 2 and The Incredibles. 
  
• How does getting the pom-pom on your Dante hat in your mouth make you fall on your ass? 
  
• Why do the main kids' faces look like topographic maps?
  
• Also, one thing I just noticed: at 8:16, the screen goes black for two frames. What the actual fuck are they doing? Was there supposed to be some subliminal ads that the animators forgot to add the text?
  
  
  
• And I was so hung up on this failure of animation that I almost forgot to ask why we're supposed to feel sad about a faulty Christmas light like the music seems to be implying we should be.
  
• So, it looks like Mr. Girthmore is being set up as the bad guy, because he wants to sell mass-produced items? Can we at least have him do something bad other than throw out a light bulb that doesn't work? 
  
• So, you picked up a light bulb for some reason, it randomly glows, and then it turns into the Stay Puft Marshmallow's face and you don't throw it away?
  
• Is that Salvation Army band doing the bass line to O Canada?
  
• Oh, so he does something bad: shooing away the Salvation Army band. To be fair, it's not like the Salvation Army has the best record, but then again, it looks like this is taking place when cathedral radios are apparently new technology, that might not have been much of a concern. 
  
• There has to be a better means of counting money than just putting every type of a certain currency in a stack.
  
• "Using my money to increase my girth!" And then he repeats "Girth!" like this is his Tourette's tic.
  
• And I'm not sure exactly how he was storing his money, but there had to be more secure ways so it doesn't just all fly away like it's the finale of The Killing
  
  
  
• So, apparently the point of the broken light is that, when everyone's asleep, it makes all the ornaments on the Christmas tree come to life and act out the shittiest segment in Fantasia with music that they had to make themselves because they couldn't find proper royalty-free recordings of decent tracks,  where the other Christmas lights hang the broken light upside down and the sea captain looks stern and there's dilithium crystals floating up to the ceiling what the fuck am I writing?
  
• And it's quiet and everyone thinks the broken light is dead and then it starts glowing and singing a crappy song.
  
• And somehow the broken light saves the day by shining so bright that it can beckon the bad guy, and somehow, it doesn't blind the family.
  
• So, the money was in a bag all along, even though it all scattered when he fell on the ice?
  

So, that's it, just a basic story about how two kids find a broken light and it somehow teaches a greedy guy the true meaning of Christmas, and you want to know how little of a fuck the world gave about it (at least until Bobsheaux and Phelous discovered it and inflicted it on the world last year)? IMDb still can't even be bothered to actually put character names to actors. So, as soon as I can do it, I'll share a picture I took of the cast's credits.



Why, yes, I still own a VCR. I almost never use it, but it's there, even if it's for no other purpose besides being a sturdier platform for the TV than a Blu-Ray player.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Dolittle' (2020)

As I suspected, RDJ managed to fuck up another beloved childhood favourite. With the exception of Downey's passable Welsh accent (although Dolittle wasn't a Welshman), everything about this film is just plain bad. The casting - bad. The writing - bad. The CGI - bad. The characters' motivations and personalities - bad. I am only comforted by the fact that, due to being widely and rightfully panned and not recouping the original investment, a sequel is highly unlikely.

I think it is now safe to conclude that the Doctor Dolittle stories are unfilmable. 0/10.

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

No points for a very believable bombing of Tokyo?