Being an OCD atheist is not easy

[Beta Ray Bill]

I've spent most of my life totally obsessed with being perfect for God. Every time I even thought about something sinful, I went nuts praying for forgiveness. I lost friends with my actions, and I kept myself from going out and making new ones. I was hyper-religious, and while that impressed some of my relatives, it was driving me crazy.

I also have Epilepsy. My seizures can be triggered by stress, and, you guessed it, worrying about being perfect for God stressed me out. I've had hundreds of seizures because I panicked about God.

Then I discovered meditation. It helped calm me down and relieve me of seizure stress. But the more I meditated, the more I thought about what I truly believed in, and I came to realize that I don't really believe in a God, and Jesus was just a lunatic with a god complex. But my OCD about fearing punishment from God has made breaking from Christianity very difficult. I'm scared even writing this.

I don't really think I believe in a god anymore, but I can't help but ask "What if I'm wrong?" and "How do you explain the miracles written about in the Bible?" I re-read the Gospel of Mark a while ago, and I couldn't believe how silly it sounded. I was no longer amazed by the teachings of Jesus, I was shocked how nuts his disciples must have been in order to believe him. I've read a lot of the teachings of Buddha, and his teachings are twice as intelligent as anything Jesus said. I'm not a hard-core Buddhist, but I sure respect it more than Christianity.

But I'm still scared. I don't revere God, I'm scared to death of him. That is no way to live, especially since I have time and again proven to myself that "God" was created for two purposes: to explain the creation of the world, and to give people hope in an afterlife. All religions are founded on these reasons. Christianity is no different than Hinduism.

I'm telling myself every day that I have nothing to fear, but I've spent so much of my life fearing God, it's hard to just quit and move on. But I know I have to. I must listen to reason, rather than fear. I need to learn how the world works, not just believe ignorant writings that are thousands of years old.

[wwjs]

It's like worrying if there was once a true god but people stopped believing in him and he's super mad and punishes everyone when they die: it's pretty fucking stupid. Like Marcus Aurelius said, live a good life and if there is/are god/s then your actions as a human being should matter to them/him/whatever more than your faith based on fear.

[orogenicman]

I was married for 14 years to a woman who had severe OCD. I know what you have gone through. I'm not a psychiatrist, so don't get me wrong when I say this. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but it is very treatable if you get the right doctor. I encourage you to seek one out if you haven't already.

By the way, if you don't believe in god, what are you afraid of? Or are you saying that you do believe in god, but simply no longer have faith?

For atheists, it is not simply a matter or no longer believing in god(s). We don't believe that god(s) even exist, or ever existed. That's why I ask the questions above.

[pineapplebunnybounce]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

You and i have one thing in common, we both feared god, a lot. I was seriously starting to think god wasn't real, and i was afraid of thinking that. Once i got pass that, it was clear that god doesn't exist, he can't do shit to any of us.

What really helped me was at that time i was in my first year of university, i was extremely busy, some of the courses i was having at that time were on evolution, molecular bio, psych and astronomy. In other words i was distracted, and the things i was learning at that time really makes the idea of a christian god ridiculous.

distracting myself from god really worked for me, i didn't even realize the transition to atheism until 2 years later someone asked me if i was religious. and i said i didn't know. but of course i wasn't. i haven't thought of god for such a long time that i didn't even know what my position was anymore. but when i thought of it, it was atheism. The thing is the idea of the christian god is a highly illogical one, without constant reinforcement, it'll fade away. Maybe you'd like to try it out and think less about god, maybe get addicted to a new tv show, devote your time to learning a new language, exercise more, try a new hobby , reading and watching tv really gets your mind off things.

[Beta Ray Bill]

I'm pretty sure I no longer have faith, it's just the fear of being wrong that keeps drilling at me. I know that people believe in a god just to explain what they don't understand or can't explain. It's those damn miracles in the Bible that keep me from breaking completely free. They've got to be just mythology, right? Just because I can't explain something doesn't mean it's an act of a supreme being. As time goes on, more and more is explained, and the Bible becomes sillier and sillier.

I'll be okay. I'm sure things will get better with time. My life really is better now that I'm not devoting everything to satisfying a god that just can't be proven to exist.

Anyways...

[Rahul]

I'm pretty sure I no longer have faith, it's just the fear of being wrong that keeps drilling at me.

If you are a Christian all the Muslims say you're going to eternal Hell.

If you are a Muslim all the Christians say you're going to eternal Hell.

If you are a Jew they're both saying you're going to eternal Hell.

Picking a random religion out of the multitude isn't going to ease any fear of being wrong.

Developing your intellect and the skills of rational thought will however.

I used to shake in fear at the idea of hell.

It's all just a bunch of silly stories.

Welcome to the Way of Peace, friend.

My wife has a buddhist slant to her. And in actuality, I really think the Buddhists are onto a lot of the right things.

[Kayenneh]

Hello and welcome to AF! ^_^

The Fear can be pretty intense. I had only to endure it for a day or two after my deconversion, but don't worry, it'll go away. Just give yourself the time you need

[Faith No More]

From a layman's perspective, it appears that your OCD is fueling your extreme fear of being wrong. I would suggest you seek help for that, rather than try to reason away your fear.

[Simon Moon]

Welcome aboard!

I'm pretty sure I no longer have faith, it's just the fear of being wrong that keeps drilling at me.

It's really easy to find out if you still believe or not.

Belief is the psychological state of accepting a proposition or premise to be true. Ask yourself, "do I still accept the premise that the Christian god exists to be true?"

If you answer, "yes", you are still a believer. If you answer ANYTHING else, even "I don't know", you are not a believer.

Do you fear being wrong about all the other gods? Your fear of one out of 1000's is pretty arbitrary.

[Beta Ray Bill]

Actually I see a psychiatrist AND a psychologist. I've worked for years on controlling my anxiety. Fear of God is a major source of my anxiety. I'm slowly getting over it. Thank uh, god or something that my shrink is an atheist. It really helps me make sense of things. He tells me to take religion out of the equation and when I do, I feel so much more at ease and in control of my life. It lasts for a while, anyways.

I need to meditate a lot more. It sure clears things up and it does not require that I believe anything religious. It's just an exercise.