I Feel Alone

[LivingNumbers6.626]

I feel alone, but perhaps that's normal. Perhaps I just need to be patient. I basically lost everyone, or at least I lost their sympathies and genuine friendship (except my wife). Everyone in the church assume they know what I know and what is best for me. None of them listen. That's okay, why should I expect them to? If they listened to the Book of Mormon and half the rubbish church leaders say they would be exmormon like me. I wanted to send my resignation so bad but my mother and grandmother made me promise I wouldn't. They think I'll come back some day, but I wont. The hurt is deep and the facts are real, I'm done with all religion.

Everyone contacts my wife with friendly letters. Saying they miss her and want her to come back. No one sends me anything. It hurts a little, but I wouldn't care for it otherwise. But all this attention to my wife makes me think that they (true believing mormon's) might think I've tempted my wife to leave as well. There's also a rumor going around that my wife and I are now satanists who practice which craft.

What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand? I enjoy science and the ability to admit I was wrong.

I'm trying really hard to have a clean head and positive perspective. Just I feel this knot in my chest, this emptiness, this pain that wont go away when I think about all my efforts, all my time spent, all my church study, all my meetings with the bishop, all the guilt, and mental illness. I almost hurt myself the other day. I was going to start cutting again. But I didn't, I've already gone to a mental hospital and I wasn't going to let the church make me go crazy again. I wasn't going to let my wife see what I did and make her hurt. I wasn't going to be a coward. I refuse to start smoking again. I know it's bad. And I refuse to use drinking as a coping mechanism but sometimes it hurts so bad.

None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one called me. No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...

Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.

I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmormon sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone. It makes me feel good to know that though I don't have any exmormon friends near by I do have some behind a computer screen. I don't know what I would do without this site and the other forums and atheist forums, it's the only place I don't feel alone. I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmo thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.

I feel like a big baby writing all this but it's how I feel and it's places like this that I can know that someone out there understands.

So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance. I know I'll get out, but when? I'm married and almost 21. I'm no where near graduating college, I've really ruined my college career because all of the stuff I've dealt with. So I'm just focusing on entrepreneurialism and starting my computer business. I love programming and computers and the physics of the whole thing.

I guess it's time to just put one step in front of the other. Find some other nerdy friends to talk games and manga with. Some geniuses to teach me what they know about physics. And buy a piano.

How I miss the sound of a piano. I've been without on for 4 months. My piano is sometimes my best friend. The way I can practice and practice and never get tire. The way all the notes fall so nicely together to make songs. When I dream, I sometimes dream of playing. I play a song and it is so euphoric, I'm at peace, and nothing bothers me. But for now I just listen to piano solos and when I do I dream and when I dream I am happy.

[SteelCurtain]

That's some heavy stuff there, elcon. I am so sorry that your family and friends aren't more supportive. I'm also glad that you at least have found an outlet in these forums.

Check meetup.com in your area. If you live in an area with a lot of Mormons, there are bound to be a lot of ex-Mormons. They might have some get togethers where you can connect with people IRL and make some friends who will be able to empathize with you.

[Simon Moon]

This is one of the many negative aspects religion.

You are probably pretty much the same person that you were before you became a disbeliever, yet all your supposed friends and family have abandoned you.

Ex Pastor, Teresa MacBain, has equated the feeling almost as if everyone you used to be close to, was killed in the same plane crash. You list all your support group at the same time.

Is your therapist secular? If not, he/she may not be able to relate to what you are going through.

http://www.seculartherapy.org/faq.php


I am optimistic you will find more like minded people in the near future. You live in Southern California (what area?) as do I. There are plenty of atheist and secular groups you could attend in order to meet new people. Many of them have probably gone through similar experiences as you.

If you are in the LA area, you might want to start with The Center for Inquiry West. Check their calendar, they have some cool weekly events.

http://www.centerforinquiry.net/LA


There are no lack of groups in So Cal where you can make new like minded friends.

[sven]

You know, it sounds like your situation really sucks right now. I'd like to suggest that you get out and go to places where there's people who share your interests. Since you like games, perhaps go to a gaming store or something?
Anyone can get down or even start to loose perspective completely without real social interaction. I know, because I went through something similar a long time ago, though not as bad.
It's tough, having to choose between what you believe is right and the approval and love of your friends. Even worse if your family is invovled somehow. But dwelling on the loss and wallowing in sadness won't help. I think its better to focus on what you want to do instead.

[Angrboda]

You shouldn't be afraid to tell your psych about your thoughts of suicide. They're there to help you and aren't going to lock you up just for thinking about it. They can't help you as effectively if they don't know what's actually going on, and they might be able to help you more effectively.

[Senshi]

Just remember it doesn't take any strength blend in, it takes all the strength that a person can round up and more to break free. It's hard to lose loved one's. But, can you really call it love if it was conditional? You're young and you have allot of time to create a new social circle that accepts your for who you are. The fault is not on you.

"Anti-social behavior is a trait of intelligence in a world of conformists. - Nikola Tesla" Don't mix "anti-social" with anything negative, he simply meant going against the gradient.

P.s Thanks for opening up to us, we hope to never fail you.

[Minimalist]

What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand?

Right now, you need this more than anyone I know.

[The Valkyrie]

A lot of people feel this way when they give up on their religious beliefs, especially when the people who were friends and family who are still in the religion shun you, which, as far as I'm concerned, just shows how cultish some of these religions are.

My advice is to go out and find more people in your community who think the same way you do. In So-Cal I understand there will be secular/atheist groups.

Go and seek those out. Find someone else to talk to, face-to-face.

Simon Monn gave truly excellent advice.

My opinion of people who would abandon you simply because you no longer believe in what they believe are not worthy of your attention.

Be brave. Be strong. Move on with your life.

[Lek]

Obviously, your morman ex-friends are not christian or they wouldn't be treating you as they are. It sounds like a matter of people saying they are christian, but living entirely different than Jesus taught. Jesus' command to love others didn't just apply to fellow believers and God's love doesn't just extend to his followers. Believe me when I say that all christians do not act in that manner to people that leave the church. Don't do crazy stuff like cutting yourself or becoming a drunk because the pain inside doesn't go away. I'd say go directly to God, but it sounds like that's not where you're at now, even though that is the real answer. At any rate, there are people around you in the world who will accept you as you are. Don't let a group of heretics destroy your life. You don't owe your life to them. You also need to live for your wife and family who need you. I wish you the best.

[Angrboda]

Obviously, your morman ex-friends are not christian or they wouldn't be treating you as they are. It sounds like a matter of people saying they are christian, but living entirely different than Jesus taught.

Yeah, right. True Christians never persecute others. Go on, pull the other one.