I hate Church and still feel obligated to go

[dragonman73]

First and foremost, I am an atheist. I don’t believe in the Bible and I feel teaching this stuff as fact to impressionable children is wrong. I feel Christianity as a whole is full of hatred and bigotry.

I didn’t become a Christian until my late 20’s, so I wasn’t spoon fed these beliefs growing up. But my wife on the other hand was raised in Church since she was two.
I’ve been married for 16 years and have no kids. We are in our early 40's now.

We have a great marriage other than………Church. Or more specifically me not wanting to go anymore.

We’ve been going to my wife’s home church since 2003 and have been pretty active early on; doing anything they have with kids. We were there a lot and it got exhausting sometimes.
Keep in mind we never were “devout” Christians, our Bible stayed in the trunk of the car most of the time and we never prayed in our daily lives and so forth. 

I think my wife likes the social aspect more than anything because it’s been her church since she was 2 years old. She has lots of friends and family invested in this. Church is her identity.

I’ve became a full blown atheist a few years ago after wrestling with it for a year.  It took me a year to de-convert because every time I felt like I was questioning “God” I was in fear of something bad happening to me. Eventually I got over that.

Only my wife and a few co-workers know that I am an atheist. I live smack dab in the Bible belt so it’s not an easy thing to “come out” here.  I have a lot at stake and a lot to lose. Over here it can affect your employment if you’re not careful.

Now on to my issue at hand……………

But I have been teaching a kids Sunday class and children’s church for a few years now. I started out doing this full time because it somewhat isolates me from main church and I still keep the wife happy with the appearances and stuff. I don’t have to listen to the preachers “spill” and I don’t have to deal with people. I’m somewhat in control here.

Keep in mind this isn’t a paid position, strictly volunteer.

The problem is I hate even being at church. It conflicts with my morals and values and what the Bible stands for. I don’t want to be the one telling impressionable minds that a virgin was impregnated and a great flood happened.

And I feel like an idiot “teaching” this stuff to children when I don’t even believe it. I know I am lying to them. To make it worse, I am the one that does all of this, my wife doesn’t help. I’m doing all of the talking and when kids have a God related question I let her answer it…..and she usually just tells them to ask their parents or skips over the question. I think deep down she knows it’s BS too.

I have tried several times to “stop” teaching the classes, but my wife gets upset and really wants to be there and we are a “package deal” I suppose. To keep her happy I give in.
But it’s tearing me apart and causes a lot of resentment on my part. 

I know we get one shot at life and I don’t want to waste it on Sunday mornings doing something I don’t want to do. I remember life without Church on Sundays and want that back. I enjoyed having that Sunday to do what I want to do. I already have to be at work for 5 days of the week, the weekend should be mine.

And to add insult to the injury I am in my 40’s and it takes a huge argument if I decide I want to “skip” on Church. I usually get what I want, but it costs me a lot of headache to get it.

We have 8 year olds at Church that can decide if they don’t want to go that week and I am a grown ass man. It's embarrassing to me.

To make me feel more like an idiot, we have a revolving door of families that skip every other week. I feel like I have to be there to make my wife happy and the kids have a teacher, but families are skipping out whenever they want to. A lot of their kids play sports on Sundays so that takes priority over anything else. We never see the same people each week.

I think my wife wouldn’t have a problem quitting either but she feels like she is letting the kids and people down. And she still has a lot of friends and family that go to that Church.  I felt guilty like that too, but for my personal sanity I learned to quit pleasing others and worry about myself.

We have skipped out on doing a lot of stuff with us as a couple because Saturday is my day of rest because I know my Sunday is shot because I am spending most of the morning doing something I don’t want to do. If I knew I had two whole days free I would be more apt to go out on Saturdays and I can sleep in on Sunday mornings.

So here I am typing this right now, I skipped out on Church today, but my wife went. It took an argument to get to this point and I still feel like I am letting her down.
I’m also worried about what her parents and some church people would think of me if I quit going, as well as her thinking what they would think of me too I am sure.

I want people to see me as a good person because of who I am and not what "club" I belong too.

But if I don’t do this I am going to be miserable the rest of my life, I can’t do this religion thing anymore. Life is too short.

[robvalue]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that I've heard so often how religion can be a problem when it applies to only one partner.

Personally, I think you have to be true to yourself. I agree, teaching nonsense to children is not something I could stomach. And if your wife loves you, she should be able to accept you for not wanting to be part of Christianity just as much as you accept her still being Christian. I think you need to make a stand about it, and if she's a decent person, she will respect you for sticking up for your values and your happiness. You're not stopping her from doing it, after all.

[Minimalist]

It took an argument to get to this point and I still feel like I am letting her down.

Funny that you put the blame on yourself.  Why does she get a pass for letting you down?

You're right:  Life's too short to waste on bullshit like religion.

[KevinM1]

I agree with Rob. She's unfairly pressuring you to do something you don't want to do, mostly to keep up appearances. It's, ironically, very unchristian-like behavior.

There's something that doesn't feel quite right about how you describe how she's trying to force the two of you as being a package deal with church activity. Is she trying to force you to go to church because, even though she's not devout, she doesn't like that you're an atheist? That somehow it's just a phase? I dunno, that part just seems peculiar to me.

What's stopping her from teaching the Sunday school class(es), by the way? Seems like the perfect solution.

[Fake Messiah]

There is something about religious wives and atheist husbands. For instance my cousin was always an atheist and even bragged, when we were kids, how he always spits 3 times on the church when he passes by it and yet he met some christian woman who made him baptize and marry in the fucking church and I know few more guys like that. I mean really guys you need to grow a pair.
You see they don't believe and don't really care they just go to the church maybe once every few years, but at the same time let their own kids be roasted by this religious assholes that tell them science is a lie and make them at least confused that they'll have problems learning science in school not to mention later finishing worthy college, if they don't go full fanatic. So at least you should do it for your kids and therefore for the rest of the world, because world would certainly be a better place if there were more smarter people.

Maybe you should confront your wife and discuss about the core of Christianity and the fact that it has been debunked. I'm not saying to press her into de-converting, but go trough some facts, some books (like Jerry Coyne's 'Faith Versus Fact') and/or something like Richard Dawkins videos on youtube. For instance how science shows us that Adam and Eve never existed and therefore Jesus' mission is bullshit. If she refuses to even talk about it ask her if she wants to be a stubborn fanatic that she doesn't want to learn some scientific facts and if they don't convince her then you'll all revert back to religion. I mean you said that she was already on the "other" side but she obviously needs to go deeper.
When it comes to your community, of course you need to go step by step, but if you have your wife on your side and they don't accept you as you are then fuck them. Are people that don't accept you really worthy of your company? Maybe they drag you in in some ideological conversations but you explain them.

[Brian37]

You live in a free society. My position is that you don't need a church, or a holy book to live your life. But even if you stay a believer, you are under absolutely NO obligation to stay in a church by force of law. You might like some of those who attend, but you can still be friends outside that setting, and if they ditch you for leaving, they were not your friends to begin with.

I used to attend for a few years as an atheist, a Unitarian church. I simply outgrew it, but nobody hunted me down or disowned me or questioned me if I didn't show up on Sunday. I am no fan of blind loyalty, to any one group, not even my fellow atheists.

You do have a right to be yourself, if that particular church bothers you that much, you are only torturing yourself by continuing. Nobody has a right to emotionally blackmail you into staying. Not telling you to stay or go, just simply saying it is up to you, not anyone else. The people who love you wont care if you leave.

[PETE_ROSE]

Sorry to hear of the predicament you find yourself in, however I do believe that you are not alone in your situation.  I have a good friend whose story parallels yours in many aspects.  Before dropping the nuclear option on your wife and bringing strife into an otherwise wonderful marriage, I would suggest exploring other options with your spouse.  Although the bible tells us to not forsake the assembling of ourselves I would offer that fellowship with other Christians can be found in places other than church.  Taking a hiatus from teaching Sunday school and for that matter attending church could be an option.  Being open about your feelings with her and perhaps spending time together pursuing your other interests could be beneficial.          

[Excited Penguin]

I went to Church this one time with a friend and sat down on a bench outside. The "staff" must've sensed my skepticism, they kept giving me the stink eye until they finally walked over and begun inquiring about what we were doing there exactly - we had simply sat quietly on the bench up until that point. That was... fun. I guess my disgust and contempt at the whole thing must have shown somehow, even from afar.

I seriously hate those places. I don't think I hate anything like a place of worship. They are the most powerful reminders of human fallibility and wrapped in a particularly boring package at that.

[Excited Penguin]

You live in a free society. My position is that you don't need a church, or a holy book to live your life. But even if you stay a believer, you are under absolutely NO obligation to stay in a church by force of law. You might like some of those who attend, but you can still be friends outside that setting, and if they ditch you for leaving, they were not your friends to begin with.

I used to attend for a few years as an atheist, a Unitarian church. I simply outgrew it, but nobody hunted me down or disowned me or questioned me if I didn't show up on Sunday. I am no fan of blind loyalty, to any one group, not even my fellow atheists.

You do have a right to be yourself, if that particular church bothers you that much, you are only torturing yourself by continuing. Nobody has a right to emotionally blackmail you into staying. Not telling you to stay or go, just simply saying it is up to you, not anyone else. The people who love you wont care if you leave.

Ugh.

[Brian37]

You live in a free society. My position is that you don't need a church, or a holy book to live your life. But even if you stay a believer, you are under absolutely NO obligation to stay in a church by force of law. You might like some of those who attend, but you can still be friends outside that setting, and if they ditch you for leaving, they were not your friends to begin with.

I used to attend for a few years as an atheist, a Unitarian church. I simply outgrew it, but nobody hunted me down or disowned me or questioned me if I didn't show up on Sunday. I am no fan of blind loyalty, to any one group, not even my fellow atheists.

You do have a right to be yourself, if that particular church bothers you that much, you are only torturing yourself by continuing. Nobody has a right to emotionally blackmail you into staying. Not telling you to stay or go, just simply saying it is up to you, not anyone else. The people who love you wont care if you leave.

Ugh.

What do you mean "ugg"....


I spent too much of my childhood, teens and early adulthood, not just on religion, but merely trying to be what everyone thought I should be. Wasted too much of my life listening to others try to tell me what to do and how to live. The friends I still have today, and especially my mom, take me as I am. Nothing wrong with compromise in life, but you don't have to be a doormat or torture yourself just to fit in. 

And I think you missed the part of my post were I was not telling him to stay or go. But only basing my reaction on his description that it is hell on him trying to keep it up. It is still up to him what he thinks he can handle and what his own comfort level is. My mom is still a Catholic but we also have a good relationship too. If she ever got verbally abusive about my non belief, as much as I love her, nobody should ever make themselves a doormat for anyone. She's always loved me as I am, when I was a believer and now, even as an atheist. The people who love you, at best will agree to leave that subject alone, but wont abandon you regardless.