Parenting as an Atheist

[Faith No More]

Here is the much overdue parenting thread that needs to be started, so we can discuss the different issues raised by being an atheist parent. I know some(including me) are married to religious people, and the conflicting viewpoints can cause frustrating problems. This is the place to discuss and vent about all issues that arise from trying to keep your kids from being infected with a mind virus.

My wife recently told my nearly four year-old son that he was a Christian. The topic came up because of the discussion about holidays and he had seen some things on Hanukkah. I just looked at her and said, "Uh, no, he's not." She said, "Sure, he is," and when I tried to argue about it, she said we'd talk about it later. So, later that night, as she was going to bed, I told her to never tell our son that he is a Christian again. She got extremely upset and tried to tell me that I had agreed that what she had done was okay in a previous conversation. Having not remembered the conversation, I told her that there was no way I would agree that she would be allowed to raise our son as a Christian.

Apparently, she got the idea that "yes, you can take our son to church" meant "yes, you can raise our son Christian." I told her that what I meant was that she was allowed to take him to church and show him what she believed, not that she could just unleash Jesus upon him. I explained to her that our beliefs need to be treated on equal ground as parents and that both of us need to ensure that we approach our son with our viewpoints as beliefs, not truth.

The really frustrating part was that she had this look on her face the whole time like I was telling her that I just ran over her puppy in the driveway, and even though she knew I was right, there was resistance to having her religious beliefs treated as equal with mine. Just like Christians everywhere, she expected her beliefs to have special privilege.

Anyways, the next morning after the fiasco she apologized, and we haven't really discussed it since. I expect more turmoil to come, which is partly why I wanted to start this thread.

Feel free to comment or discuss your own situation.

[robvalue]

Urgh, oh dear, apologies That sounds very tricky.

I can imagine there's almost always going to be friction with mixed beliefs/non beliefs. I agree with you, I despise utterly the idea of labelling a child who is too young to understand the implications a Christian. That's just soft indoctrination, trying to steal their identity away. I'm glad you stood up to that.

I hope you can sort things out between you, and that your child gets to choose their own beliefs rather than being prescribed them. With you looking out for him, I'm sure he'll be fine

[Faith No More]

Thanks. I guess I always knew there would be issues, but it was the shock that I was having deal with such a fundamental one that really got to me. It made me start to question my allowing her to baptize our sons. It was extremely important to her and appeared to be nothing more than a magical water ritual to me, but I'm now thinking that allowing it may have sent the wrong message.

The thing is, I've known my wife for a long time. I grew up with her. She's normally very level-headed, but this really threw her for a loop. And that fact threw me for a loop.

[Jackalope]

Apparently, she got the idea that "yes, you can take our son to church" meant "yes, you can raise our son Christian." I told her that what I meant was that she was allowed to take him to church and show him what she believed, not that she could just unleash Jesus upon him. I explained to her that our beliefs need to be treated on equal ground as parents and that both of us need to ensure that we approach our son with our viewpoints as beliefs, not truth.

The really frustrating part was that she had this look on her face the whole time like I was telling her that I just ran over her puppy in the driveway, and even though she knew I was right, there was resistance to having her religious beliefs treated as equal with mine. Just like Christians everywhere, she expected her beliefs to have special privilege.

This is pretty much exactly what happened with my son's mother. She and her side of the family basically took carte blanche to give him Christian children's books and otherwise indoctrinate him - before he was capable of critical thinking.

We're not together any more. The funny thing is, she didn't turn fundamentalist on me until after he was born. For the first ten years of our marriage, I knew she was nominally a Christian, but the only time she ever set foot in a church was for our wedding (and that was a wedding chapel, not an active church).

Had I known she would pull that shit, I never would have married her. It's not why we aren't together any longer, but it was a contributing factor.

It's a really shitty thing to do to your partner, and your child.

[Jenny A]

Here is the much overdue parenting thread that needs to be started, so we can discuss the different issues raised by being an atheist parent. I know some(including me) are married to religious people, and the conflicting viewpoints can cause frustrating problems. This is the place to discuss and vent about all issues that arise from trying to keep your kids from being infected with a mind virus.

My wife recently told my nearly four year-old son that he was a Christian. The topic came up because of the discussion about holidays and he had seen some things on Hanukkah. I just looked at her and said, "Uh, no, he's not." She said, "Sure, he is," and when I tried to argue about it, she said we'd talk about it later. So, later that night, as she was going to bed, I told her to never tell our son that he is a Christian again. She got extremely upset and tried to tell me that I had agreed that what she had done was okay in a previous conversation. Having not remembered the conversation, I told her that there was no way I would agree that she would be allowed to raise our son as a Christian.

Apparently, she got the idea that "yes, you can take our son to church" meant "yes, you can raise our son Christian." I told her that what I meant was that she was allowed to take him to church and show him what she believed, not that she could just unleash Jesus upon him. I explained to her that our beliefs need to be treated on equal ground as parents and that both of us need to ensure that we approach our son with our viewpoints as beliefs, not truth.

The really frustrating part was that she had this look on her face the whole time like I was telling her that I just ran over her puppy in the driveway, and even though she knew I was right, there was resistance to having her religious beliefs treated as equal with mine. Just like Christians everywhere, she expected her beliefs to have special privilege.

Anyways, the next morning after the fiasco she apologized, and we haven't really discussed it since. I expect more turmoil to come, which is partly why I wanted to start this thread.

Feel free to comment or discuss your own situation.

My sympathies. I'm sure that kind of conflict over a child is very difficult for both you and your wife.

In our case, the only conflict is with grandparents and they live several state away. My husband is deist. He doesn't think he has proof of god, only a gut feeling that there is "something out there." He doesn't think that something takes an interest in the doings of humans particularly. So far that has presented no conflicts between us with regard to the kids.

[Spooky]

You have my sympathy sir. I can offer no useful experience as my wife shares my beliefs. Nonetheless, I wish the best for you and yours.

[Elskidor]

That is tricky. I guess I can be thankful that I don't have this issue, and likely never will. My wife goes to church once or twice a year, and around the time her grandparents died. It was a tradition they shared with her when raising her so I can understand this, but she's against our daughter being forced into anything and would see that as a form of force.

[simplemoss]

I had similar parents growing up my mother was atheist and my father was muslim.

My father however never forced us too go to mosque we went a few times a year too observe Muslim holidays but that was it. My mother would love going too the mosque, never once said anything bad or negative about religion or Islam, and just enjoyed the holidays. My mother even bought fancy silk scarves for her and my sister too wear but they never once put them on, except too go too mosque a few times a year.

I never learned Arabic so I might as well have been "praying" in Chinese. I actually went too a Catholic school growing up even though nobody in my family was Christians. Ironically teaching me more about Christianity as a kid then Islam.

My point is you "shouldn't let your wife" take your kids too church you should all go as a family, and show your kid that its okay too go to church, after all its just reading a few poems and singing a few songs. Just don't go every week and make it an obsession. And always be there too answer questions, and offer another point of view

like my atheist mother did with me

[Nope]

I think that is very lovely that your parents were able to come to an understanding while respecting one another's beliefs, simple moss. It sounds as if the OP thought he and his wife had reached a similar agreement only to discover that she wasn't on board with letting the child decide.

[simplemoss]

Well that could be difficult Nope, but i dont know faith no more or his wife and kid. Too be honest I thought faithnomore was a girl his first name is faith after all. Lol!

Im not a dad myself so i cant really offer any parenting advice. I know what it can be like, to be in a long term relationship with a theist. But im not married, I can offer my advice with regards to the fact that, I was raised with one parent being an atheist. And as you can see I don't suffer from the God delusion one bit