Do you care about your significant other's sexual past?

[Mudhammam]

What's the cut off?

Maybe one should not just weigh it by numbers but also figure into the equation who was involved. Like - what, you did it with that guy as well? Get out of my bed!11!

THAT nerdy physicist guy?!? YOU WHORE!!

[Nope]

I was reading the random slut-shaming troll thread and scrolling through it I was a little surprised at the number of people who seemed to think that it mattered at all. It doesn't. I couldn't give half a care about who I'm datings sexual past. I never even ask unless it comes up in normal conversation (which of course it normally does anyway, because sex is a pretty interesting conversation topic.) Why does anyone seem to care?

I do not care in the sense that I wouldn't judge them because of the number of sexual partners that they have had. If someone was a virgin, I would want to know so I could make them more comfortable not because I would be either disgusted or turned on by being someone's first. I would also like to know about possible STD's. Because I am naturally a gossipy type person who loves hearing information that is none of her business, I would actually enjoy hearing about someone's past experiences. My husband and I told each other all about our sexual experiences and neither one of us thought the conversation was anything more than interesting.

  I have never understood why some  people felt that a person's  empathy or intelligence could be determined by the number of sexual partners that they had. That seems silly to me

---

Oh no; he thought stripclubs were dens of indecency (and... yeah... so?) and he was always talking disparagingly about his friends' interest in porn.  Total prude.  Sex was pretty decent with him, though, as long as I didn't talk or make any noise.

No noise during sex? How would he know if you enjoyed what he did if you don't make noise during sex? 

---

Do I care? I suppose it depends. If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone, it's kind of hard to be with them if they've been many people because I'm having to stack up with all the people they've been with, I'm no casanova, I'm just your average joe, not from a disney movie just someone decent at their sexual craft. I'm not someone who gets around a lot so I usually prefer someone around where I am experience-wise or even less so than me. But do I care what others do? No, have at it. If someone wants to have an open relationship or something like that, cool, I may even be open to that to an extent because long term relationships get old. But, if I ever have a fling, I want it to be with someone who doesn't do it a lot, like me, just a preference.

Why not just ask the person how you can make her happier in bed? 

Both my husband and I were somewhat promiscuous  when we met. I never compared him to anyone else. If we hadn't been compatible sexually, we would have broke up with each other. 

I have had two relatives who broke up with their spouse because they felt that they married too young and never got to experience life. Both were virgins at marriage and yet, they managed to still compare their spouse to imaginary people.   

[Alex K]

Maybe one should not just weigh it by numbers but also figure into the equation who was involved. Like - what, you did it with that guy as well? Get out of my bed!11!

THAT nerdy physicist guy?!? YOU WHORE!!

"We have no future, your standards are just too high..."

---

No noise during sex? How would he know if you enjoyed what he did if you don't make noise during sex? 

Yes, that's a bit disconcerting, isn't it... Almost as if it wasn't supposed to be enjoyable.

[thesummerqueen]

I care about them being clean and using protection. Don't have an STD? Then I don't care about the physical part of your past.

I do sort of care to know whether or not they're friends or have good relationships with their past partners still, out of curiosity, because I think that says something about their character. Being able to move past the painful part of breaking up and all that says a lot to me.

Personally, I think the more healthy sex, the better. It's a mood booster, it's exercise, and intimacy is awesome. Everyone should be fucking as much as possible. We'd all be a lot more relaxed.

[pocaracas]

Here's to the bonobo way of socializing!

[MJ the Skeptical]

I don't agree with you at all. What's wrong with my preference that someone I have sex hasn't fucked the whole block? I'm just not into people who get around with anyone and everyone, so?

 What constitutes the whole block? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with preferring a partner who hasn't already had theIr orifices explored again and again... and again... but you would break up with someone you had already been dating for a substantial amount of time if you asked them about their sexual past and it consisted of the entire football team? What's the cut off? That you can count her number of sexual liaisons on both hands or just the one you'll be using again after you've dumped her? 

Would I break up with someone after I found out their sexual history? no, would I have trepidation about dating them with the prior knowledge of much experience? maybe. I'm not trying to say it's an open and shut case for me, just what my preference is. And yeah, you bring up a good point, essentially, how many partners is too many partners. And honestly, I don't have a figure to give. I guess I'm operating on my own preference. I probably an open-minded about the number of sexual partner's they've had depending on the person and the circumstances of the relationship.

[thesummerqueen]

Why exactly would you have any problems with it at all? Just curious.

[MJ the Skeptical]

I was reading the random slut-shaming troll thread and scrolling through it I was a little surprised at the number of people who seemed to think that it mattered at all. It doesn't. I couldn't give half a care about who I'm datings sexual past. I never even ask unless it comes up in normal conversation (which of course it normally does anyway, because sex is a pretty interesting conversation topic.) Why does anyone seem to care?

I do not care in the sense that I wouldn't judge them because of the number of sexual partners that they have had. If someone was a virgin, I would want to know so I could make them more comfortable not because I would be either disgusted or turned on by being someone's first. I would also like to know about possible STD's. Because I am naturally a gossipy type person who loves hearing information that is none of her business, I would actually enjoy hearing about someone's past experiences. My husband and I told each other all about our sexual experiences and neither one of us thought the conversation was anything more than interesting.
  I have never understood why some  people felt that a person's  empathy or intelligence could be determined by the number of sexual partners that they had. That seems silly to me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do I care? I suppose it depends. If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone, it's kind of hard to be with them if they've been many people because I'm having to stack up with all the people they've been with, I'm no casanova, I'm just your average joe, not from a disney movie just someone decent at their sexual craft. I'm not someone who gets around a lot so I usually prefer someone around where I am experience-wise or even less so than me. But do I care what others do? No, have at it. If someone wants to have an open relationship or something like that, cool, I may even be open to that to an extent because long term relationships get old. But, if I ever have a fling, I want it to be with someone who doesn't do it a lot, like me, just a preference.

Why not just ask the person how you can make her happier in bed? 
Both my husband and I were somewhat promiscuous  when we met. I never compared him to anyone else. If we hadn't been compatible sexually, we would have broke up with each other. 
I have had two relatives who broke up with their spouse because they felt that they married too young and never got to experience life. Both were virgins at marriage and yet, they managed to still compare their spouse to imaginary people.   

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I see what you're saying, that someone won't necessarily judge you based on their past sexual experiences. But, why don't they ask what would make me happier in bed? does the reverse situation not count? I mean, what you're saying is that I should change to whatever my potential partner wants. I'm not for that kind of compromise of my whole sexuality or whatever aspect to make someone happy. I'm sure it works out for you and your spouse to be promiscuous and have as many partner as possible, but for me, I still like it more if the person is less experienced like me, but I would soften my position down to this. I would accept somebody if they had been around the block a lot if they were a good match for me. I supposed if I got around more I would have less sour grapes but I was socially awkward and didn't get much.

---

Why exactly would you have any problems with it at all? Just curious.

I kind of went over why I would care, not being able to stack up. But I suppose it comes down to not feeling good enough, I have severe social anxiety.

[thesummerqueen]

Well, there are two things here, Godslayer:

1)

I mean, what you're saying is that I should change to whatever my potential partner wants.

That's not entirely true. You're making it sound like a zero sum game. There are things you can have limits on - be they soft or hard. You learn to negotiate. Understand that you'll never find someone who perfectly matches you sexually, so compromise with what the other person wants in bed is essential. This means telling each other what pleases you, or your fantasies, and not taking them personally. An example: anal doesn't do anything for me, but I'm willing to negotiate with it. That's a soft limit. Depends on the person and how they do it. A hard limit? I refuse to be hit in the face. (For those who think this is an obvious *NO*, you must have missed the BDSM references) You don't change yourself entirely to their wishes - they obviously already want to be with you, so clearly they already wish for most of you anyway. You simply compromise on the things you want to do or not. It's excellent self-exploration, and who knows - you might find out new things that you like. This process is what helped me figure out how I feel about women and BDSM.

2) Your anxiety

If your anxiety is crippling enough that it would make you think twice about being with someone who is otherwise great just because they'd had a lot of partners, my personal opinion is that it's possibly something you want to seek help with.

Beyond that, just the other day a friend of mine was talking about his own anxiety after our sexual encounters: He knows I enjoy BDSM, and that it's a complicated thing and he felt he was terrible at it because it's not his bag. However, he very much wanted to have sex with me, so he did his research and adjusted accordingly as much as possible. This translated mostly to bondage and rough sex...and that was fine. I knew he wasn't into BDSM, but the fact that he added the minimal amounts of control and pain elements to play to my kinks was fantastic! We had a great time, and I enjoyed myself immensely (as did he) and I have no complaints. He told me that so, when the anxiety crept up, he sat back and thought about it and realized that I already had known he wasn't into those things, and still chose to share my sex with him, so clearly I was getting something out of it. So what was there to be anxious about?

Anxiety is funny. It can make you think that everyone is lying to you. It can make you doubt your own virtues. It cripples you from enjoying someone to the fullest extent. I've had to get over a lot of my own anxieties in order to enjoy people I otherwise wouldn't have had a chance with because I would have sabotaged - and not a single one of them required me worrying about their sexual past. By the time you get into bed with someone, the time for being anxious is over. You should have already negotiated things with them - not only is the process ripe for dirty talk and fantasy exploration, but it gives you the chance to feel more skilled.

Teddy Roosevelt had an excellent quote: "Comparison is the thief of joy."

I don't compare the person in my bed critically against other people in my past. Sure, comparisons get made because you can't help it, but that doesn't mean they're negative. So this one guy didn't fuck me for an hour straight like one guy did...instead he spent the prior hour teasing me to the point of madness with his mouth. So one person is a bad kisser, but they sure as shit know how to use their hands and genitals. So one person has all the basic stuff down without being resoundingly special about it, but knows how to create a mood with his dominant personality to the point where I don't give a shit what he does because it's all going to drive me into a melty puddle of lust. So one person puts me in a dark, bitter, helpless subspace, but another doesn't like BDSM at all and sex with them is all sunlight and honey. The point is to appreciate the person you're with for what they are - because I assume you wouldn't be with them otherwise, and you should assume that they feel exactly that way towards you, or they wouldn't be pursuing sex with you.

"Love as thou wilt," as they say in the Kushiel books. Approach sex always with joy and appreciation and as long as health and safety are involved, you won't have to worry.

[Exian]

I want to change my answer in light of Rob and Alex's convo. If my lady has banged the likes of Nathan Falcon, I'd have all sorts of questions. Mainly: How?!?