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Wrote a short story, let me know what you think.
#1
Wrote a short story, let me know what you think.
I made my way through the darkness with the assurance of a nocturnal creature of the forest, knowing my way toward the destination even though it was a secret location known only to a select few. I was not of the select few, but I had my own way of discerning information others did not want me to know.


The smells were more a distraction to me than the sights as I traveled as sure footed as one would during the night from the house to the outhouse. I could hardly see a thing as I made my way through the dense forest, not that sight was a necessity for me to traverse along my way, and the smells were more a distraction because I felt compelled to stop and breath deeply of the earthly scents that tantalized me.


Stopping to allow my olfactory sense its pleasure was not an option. I had to keep shaking my head to clear my thoughts in order to continue along my way.


The sound of flapping wings sounded over to my right, but I had no reason to be startled. I knew it was most likely a night owl hunting for its food. It was confirmed a moment later when a rodent's scream pierced the quiet night.


The quietness around me did not last for too long. I heard their voices and I smiled. There were multiple voices speaking at the same time, so I knew that the ceremony had not yet begun. Not that it mattered. My sister could in no way do what had to be done. She was only going along because she had no other choice.


My twin, my sister, was the most important person in my life. My mother even came second to my twin. Even though my sister did not have the gift required, she knew me better than anyone else only because of our twin connection. The twin connection is stronger than any gift bestowed in our community, though they are unaware of precisely how strong it can be.
In fact, the community is completely unaware that history is about to be rewritten. Well, maybe my mother knows, but she will not inform the elder of it. The elder is my grandmother. That woman, because I never liked calling her grandmother, is incapable of realizing or even accepting that change is inevitable.


As I neared the gathering of the secret meeting, I also began to hear the roaring of the fire. It was only as I neared the clearing that I saw the flames flickering as they reached toward the sky.


I could not yet enter the clearing.


I stopped in the shadows.


The smoke, the smell of it, excited me as I watched it rise up into the air. The fire was beautiful. It roared magnificently. It roared the way I wanted to do. I had no doubt my roars would put the fire to shame that night.


The women, naked as they were born, stood around the fire. My eyes went straight to my sister. She was the only one still dressed, because she had to be clothed before she could be accepted fully into the community as a woman.


She stood between my mother and my grandmother. One was the crone, one was the mother, and then there was the maiden. This was considered the holiest of ceremonies due to the fact that the family triple was present.
I smiled as I watched. They were all so beautiful.


Then a gust of air swept past me, making the fire roar upwards, and I remembered why I was there. I had to save my sister. If they discovered that she could not complete the ceremony, then she would be banished.
There was also a risk of me presenting myself in order to save her, but I knew that the risk was not real. They could not stop me. They would try, I knew that, but I would have to put them in their place. Their power was no match for mine. It made me sad to think I had to demean the one who would oppose me, the woman who was my grandmother, but I knew that it had to be done.


My grandmother held up the book for the community of women to see. It was truly a beautiful piece of work. It had been passed down in our community for hundreds of years. Within the book was contained our history and our most powerful incantations.


My grandmother spoke and I listened.


“Tonight we bring into our fold my granddaughter. This is only the third time....”


A voice entered my mind and I knew it was my mother. I know you are there, and I want you to know that I support you. I will fight her along with you if need be.


Thank you, mother, I responded.

I watched as my sister was anointed with oils, which were not needed but more a tradition. My grandmother continued to speak, but all I noticed was the distressed look upon my sister's face. I had to save her, and I knew that I could. I was the only one that could.


My grandmother called my sister forward to touch the book, and I knew it was my time to make myself known.


I did not hesitate.


I ran into the clearing and I screamed.


All eyes turned toward me. My mother had a calm, regal look upon her face. My sister smiled at me and I knew she was glad to not have to die, though her thoughts betrayed her facial appearance. She was still worried that my grandmother would destroy me.


Fear not, my sister, I sent into her mind.


My grandmother had a very angry expression on her elderly face, but I was not scared.


“What is the meaning of this?” she asked.


What do you think it is? I sent into her mind.


The proud woman momentarily lost her composure. I am certain I was the only one to witness it. I had to be the only one. The others would soon know what was happening, though.


I felt the energy building up around her, but I was not scared. She was building up to take care of me. She had no idea with whom she was dealing. It was not her fault. She and the rest of the community had been taught that there was no way someone such as me could ever be one of them.


With a resounding voice I spoke, “You shall know me!”


Expressions of shock crossed their faces.


“How is this possible?” asked one woman.


“It is not,” said my grandmother. “And I shall take care of it.”


My grandmother tried to influence me with her thoughts, but it was as though gnats were pecking at me. I looked at her and I sighed..


She pushed harder, and I barely felt a thing. She pushed even harder, and then she faltered backwards a few steps. Her anger at that point reached a great proportion. She lashed out at me with all she possessed, but it did not affect me.


How it affected her was that she fell to the ground on her back. Everyone was shocked. They kept looking back and forth. They looked at me and then to her and then back to me.


“What is happening?” screamed one woman.


My mother stepped forward, ignoring my grandmother, and said, “My daughter was never born with any power. I cannot explain how it happened, but it did.”


The silence did not last long before someone said, “But the prophecy states that if one such as....that” She pointed at me. “Was ever born, then it meant the end of us.”


“I do not trust the prophecy,” said my mother. “I gave birth to my child and I know that my child is not evil.”


My mother then bent down to pick up the book that my grandmother had dropped when she fell.


My mother held the book out to me, and I smiled as I stepped forward. I reached out. There was no need for the formalities. The book merely needed to recognize my touch.


When my fingertips touched the book, the book responded by shooting into my hand. Then I spun around like a tornado, rising up into the air, until I came to a complete stop six feet above the ground. I remained suspended by the fact that I was meant to be a part of the community.


Faces stared up at me in awe.


I smiled down at them, but I gave a special smile to my mother. She was the one who would replace my grandmother.


I was a mere new adherent to the community. What made my addition abnormal was the fact that I was a boy.


Boys were not witches. Not in our community. Until I had been born and the power had been passed to me because my twin sister in the womb had not wanted it.


I was changing our community, and I felt a great deal of pride in doing so. Without change, we are mere slaves to the past.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
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#2
RE: Wrote a short story, let me know what you think.
That was really good. And I was doubtful that it would capture my interest because of it's short length.
Well done, bravo. :-)
Reply
#3
RE: Wrote a short story, let me know what you think.
It didn't feel much like a short story, more like an excerpt from a much longer piece.  On the whole, I didn't care for it.  Some of the transitions were sort of awkward, and the conflict between the grandmother and grandson was kind of murky.  A couple of the passages were needlessly repetitive (in one short paragraph, the word 'twin' is used four times).

I think it could be vastly improved by a thousand or so words expanding the nature of the conflict and making the resolution of it more detailed.

Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Reply
#4
RE: Wrote a short story, let me know what you think.
It feels like a part of a bigger project and I think you could expand it to something pretty interesting
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