Facing a dilemma

[Faith No More]

Articulating it is one thing. Doing it to and about the monster in your life is another

Oh, I know. I was just trying to simplify it to make it sound more manageable. Having the mindset that you're just talking about something could help. A good chunk of how we deal with something is how we approach it mentally.

[SteelCurtain]

Holy shite kingpin.

I think you gotta do it. And I think once it's done, even if you're not victorious in court, you will be able to look that fuckwad in the eye and testify against him. I am willing to bet that there's some closure in just that. Damn, people shake me to the core sometimes. I cannot imagine what kind of sociopath you must have to be to do that to a woman and her kids.

Special sauce on top of it is that he thought he got away with it. Even if he doesn't go to jail, it will be known.

[Lemonvariable72]

This may sound callous. But do it, and when you do it give he a smile. Abusers thrive on their control of others and if you look him in the face and smile it will mean that he has failed and any power he once had is gone. Give him that look that says, now I'm going to put you away you monster.

[KevinM1]

To echo Thena, I think that you underestimate your own strength. You have become a good person in spite (and possibly to spite) him. Don't let his shadow distort who you are or how you act.

I sort of know what you're going through. My father is a manipulative, mentally abusive asshole. He molested my cousin/godmother in the 1980's, and we didn't know until 1999. He's been in prison since 2001, and is due to be released sometime between now and early October. And the idea of seeing him for the first time in 14 years at the parole hearing a few weeks ago was terrifying. All those memories of living under his heel, of him trying to set the house on fire with us inside, with him convincing us that we were all useless sacks of shit that anyone would be disappointed in, and so much more came flooding back.

And you know what? He still looks mostly the same, and he's still an obstinate twat (the parole board was not impressed with him), but he didn't fill up the room with his presence. He didn't feel like a towering figure, even though he's like 5'9. Because I have changed. I'm not the perpetually scared child -> young adult I once was. I'm a 35 year old man now. His control over me is gone. I no longer have to answer to him.

Fear and memories are natural. Especially with all you endured. My father made everyone walk on eggshells, but with the exception of a few notable moments I hardly ever feared for my physical safety. I can't imagine it, and I'm so incredibly sorry you had to live though that. But the fear and memories come from a child's perspective. And while those can be the most traumatic (I have an acute, pathological fear of needles/injections to this day because of all the surgeries I had as a kid, to the point of nearly passing out, nearly vomiting, and raising my body temperature to fever levels... I'm pretty good with all my diabetes blood work now, but I'm still bad with shots in the arm, but hey, it's progress), they're not relevant to who you are now. You no longer live with him. You can fend for and defend yourself. His anger has no bearing on you. And like you said a few posts ago, he knows it because a confident abuser/murderer wouldn't appear fearful that a former victim was there to enact revenge.

TLDR; Realize your own strength. You got this.

[TheRocketSurgeon]

Man, oh man... I am so sorry to hear what you've had to live with, all these years, only to have a childhood terror resurface.

I know it's difficult to face, but I think in the long term you would be unable to live with yourself if you passed up a chance to contribute your piece of the story. What's there for you to tell? "I saw him preparing all our meals." It's a critical link in the chain of evidence, but it's not the case. The majority of the work will be done by the forensic examiner and police-funded chemistry labs (they likely will be able to re-examine the original results, since both chemistry and medical forensics have gotten MUCH better in the past 20 years).

If the fear is too much for you to overcome, we all can sympathize with that feeling. But remember that it is impossible to do something brave if you do not feel absolute terror at the thought of doing it.

[robvalue]

I'm late to the party here, but I want to offer my deepest sympathies KP. I've known abuse, but not on this scale. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been, and it's incredible you have fought through and grown into the wonderful man that you are.

It seems you've pretty much made your decision, and I think it's the right one. It's also very brave. It will be upsetting in the short term, but I think you would feel everlasting guilt if you didn't so this, guilt you may never get the chance to rid yourself of. Your father is very cruel for not just admitting to his crimes and forcing you to go through all this.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope the trial goes well. I agree with others, I think you underestimate yourself and you'll probably find you can cope with this a lot better than you predict. We're here to support you through the whole thing

[Redbeard The Pink]

I don't know what you intend to do, but I do know that if I actually thought somebody murdered my mom, I'd be willing to relive just about anything to put him behind bars, especially if he more or less got away with it on the first pass. Maybe I haven't been through anything that would be as bad to relive as what you've been through, but from where I'm sitting now I can't conceive of anything somebody could do that would be so bad I'd be hesitant to punish them for it just for the sake of not wanting to think about what they'd done.

Just my $0.02

[Cyberman]

Bloody hell, kingy - that must be unthinkably horrifying. Just goes to show, you can never imagine another's personal dramas.

I don't know what I can add to the excellent advice everyone else has given. Were it me, I think I'd want to know that I'd spoken up when I had the opportunity. Of course I've not had your life experiences with therapy and so on, so I don't want to cheapen any of that.

As others have said, you can only say what you know, and though it's all valuable testimony that will help build a case, what are the chances you'll be called to the stand? Probably a silly question; but about fifteen years ago I was called to make a written statement in defence of a relative accused - falsely - of child abuse. Other than that statement, I was never called to testify. Of course, I wasn't as central to the case as you are, so ymmv.

Whatever happens and whatever you need to do, know that we're all right with you. We know you have the strength to do what's best - for you and your mum.

[Aractus]

So I am currently facing a tough decision in life. I think I need to preface this with a little backstory. To save from a TL;DR I will give a cliff's notes version.

I grew up in a terribly abusive home. My mother was diagnosed with MS when I was 5 and was wheelchair bound and in and out of hospitals. After we told my mother about the abuse she moved us in with our grandparents when I was 8. Two weeks before my ninth birthday she died on our back porch in front of us all. Because MS does not move that rapidly an autopsy was done and the coroner found high levels of arsenic. I remember my step father always preparing our dinners. He worked with arsenic as part of his job. His brother was a cop. Long story short he was never convicted of any charges (not even the abuse) because I was too terrified to take the stand.

I received a call yesterday that my mothers homicide case is being reopened and they want my testimony. This was 26 years ago. My dilemma here is I have moved on. I actually faced this man later in my life and got my personal closure and my life has moved on. For my other family members they still demand justice. I don't know if I really want to rehash all of that and relive it again. It cost me years of therapy and night terrors. I don't know if I want to comply and offer it up for my family members chance at justice (not guaranteed) and at what personal expense?  I know you guys don't know me aside from posts here and there but I'm I off base with not wanting to do this?  I may risk my family members being very hurt. I've tried explaining my position but they think I'm being selfish. I'm not sure.

Look my take on it is - give them a statement on your terms. Being that this was 26 years ago you could easily have false memories about the event, so tell the police you'll make a statement but not answer any questions. Or set the terms your happy with - the police will want to ask questions of course, so you need to decide if you're going to answer them or not before deciding to give a sworn statement. Then if they ever need your testimony in court you can worry about that at a later time - if it ever gets that far (which by the sound of it is unlikely). It could also lead to other things like your uncle being convicted for abusing police powers and perverting the course of justice.

[Kingpin]

So they are surprisingly moving quick on this. Got a call this morning from the new investigator on the case. They reviewed the statements and case with the DA and they will be pursuing charges of first degree homicide, first degree criminal sexual conduct of a child under 13 (3 counts). All other possible felonies have exceeded the statute of limitations, but these two charges there is no statute and carries a minimum sentence of 20 years per count. I am meeting with the investigator and DA next week to give my statement. They expect 4-6 hours as they literally need to go through everything I can remember regarding abuse and the possibility of arsenic being administered in food. Plus they have my hospital records and we need to correlate each visit with an event, so i will truly have to relive all of it. Any sort of formal trial would be months off as this is still in the early stages, but they are determined to serve justice in this case as swift as possible.

He did say there will most likely not be enough for the murder charge, but the CSC's alone will keep him behind bars for the remainder of his life.