Did your former religion ever make you feel broken?

[Cecelia]

Did your former religion ever make you feel broken?  I mean truly broken.  Like there was something wrong with you, when now you know there wasn't?   I know that Christianity is predicated on the idea that we're all broken, but did anyone else actually feel broken? 

I know that I did.  In my early teens when I first started touching myself sexually... my earliest sexual fantasies were about other girls.  I already felt wrong for masturbating, but doubly so because I was attracted to girls.  I was attracted to boys too, but other girls turned me on more than boys did.  So I was convinced that there was something wrong with me.  That I wasn't born right or something.   I had the feeling again later when I started taking birth control pills.  I didn't feel any guilt about it, but I knew it was against the teachings of the church.  Which made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't feel guilty about it.   Sometimes I would skip the pill, telling myself that I should quit because the church says so (this is how I ended up pregnant the first time).   Religion just made me so confused about who I was and what I was doing.  

It's not even just about 'sin'.  It can be about all the terrible things that happen to you, and you wonder why god wouldn't help you.  A good friend of mine was molested by her father when she was a child, and she confided in me that she felt so broken because god wouldn't help her.  Like he had turned away from her because there was something wrong with her so she 'deserved' it.  She's now open about what happened to her, and speaks with people who've been abused.

Religion makes you feel broken so it can fix you.  It creates the problem, then sells you the solution.  Atheists tend to see it for the snake oil salesman that it is.  Which is why I'm wondering if anyone else ever felt broken because of their religion?  I know now that I wasn't broken.  There was nothing wrong with me.  I was normal.  Were you able to avoid the feeling of being broken, or did you have to break free of that feeling?  I know I was able to break free after reading the bible, and realizing that so much of it is a bunch of nonsense.  It's like looking in the closet for the monster, and finding that it's just a couple of clothes piled in a funny shape.  You realize that you aren't broken, and that you never were.  You realize the monster wasn't there, and it was a ridiculous idea from the start.

[drfuzzy]

Good God (it's just a figure of speech, dammit!) hell YES.   All the time, every day, with every breath.

My childhood wasn't ideal.  It was kind of violent.  I'll spare you the details.  But I would pray to Jesus every day and every night to make it better, to make me good enough, so that I would be worthy of love.  You know, Jesus never came round, never said anything back . . .     I would sit in church on those days when I was "in trouble", and being told that I could not take communion because I had been BAD - - - and I would hum in my head "it is well, with my soul - whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul".  I no longer believe I have a soul, but the hymn still makes me cry.

I came home from a class one summer day to find the house empty.  No one was at either neighbors house.  No one on the streets.  They found me crying in my closet, because I was sure the rapture had come, and I was such a bad girl they didn't take me.   Oh, btw, I got straight A's.  I had to.  I didn't talk back.  I did my chores.  I had been taught early on that any hint of rebellion would put me in the hospital.  But I still managed to leave dust on my dresser, and sometimes didn't get the kitchen or bathroom spotlessly clean - - oh, yes, I was a flawed and evil child.   

And then, like you, I found myself attracted to girls, not guys.  Oh boy.  When I came out to my parents in 1988, they disowned me.  I would be allowed back in their home when I was married to a preacher, and pregnant.  Well, THAT didn't happen.  My mother is still alive - so I've been told.

Theists always say that atheists must be angry at god.  No.  I no longer believe god exists, so I might as well have prayed to Santa - - - he didn't help either, because he doesn't exist either.  But yes, I am angry at religion, and teachings that tortured me as a child and ripped my family from me as an adult.  I'm angry because I have had to fight my way through therapy and the death of belief into a semblance of sanity.  But I am grateful that I am NOT straight, and not married to a preacher, and for the life twists and turns that forced me to re-evaluate what I was taught as a child.

Yep.  My former religion BROKE me.  I had to put Humpty-Dumpty back together with my own string, glue, and bandages, thank you very much.

[abaris]

Did your former religion ever make you feel broken?  I mean truly broken.  Like there was something wrong with you, when now you know there wasn't?   I know that Christianity is predicated on the idea that we're all broken, but did anyone else actually feel broken? 

Yeah, as a matter of fact, it did. I mentioned it several times already. When I was about 7, some priest told us, if we sin, god would take what's dearest to us. I spent sleepless nights over that, worrying for my parents and brother. But it also was my starting point towards atheism. Although that start was rather mild in coming to the conclusion that god couldn't be such a sordid bastard.

[Cecelia]

drfuzzy - I am so sorry to hear that.  That's awful.   Parents aren't supposed to make their kids feel broken.  They're supposed to make their kids feel safe and loved.  Unfortunately another thing that religion does is justify treating your children -- particularly kids who are gay -- so terribly.  Religion justifies so much.  As long as it is in the name of god, or according to the 'good book', no matter how terrible others think it might be, they're willing to do it.   It can take a long time to realize there's nothing wrong with you, and it's everyone else who think there is that has something wrong with them.

You're right that theists love to say "Atheists are angry at god."  Personally I like to say "If he exists, damn right I am."  Yes, if the Christian God exists, then I hate him.   Or rather, I hate his ways.  Because if he exists he is worthy of hate.  If he exists and does nothing to stop suffering, and then demands everyone to worship at his feet, then he can go to hell himself.  Because the worst sinner of all would be Yahweh himself.   If he can allow children to suffer just because they're gay, or because they want to go to school and learn, if he expects everyone to worship him when he does absolutely nothing and doesn't show himself to anyone, then he can go fuck himself.  On second thought, not such a good idea, it might start another religion based on hate masquerading as forgiveness and mercy.

[robvalue]

I'm so sorry to hear of the horrible experiences you all went through

Christianity is so focused on telling you you're broken that this doesn't surprise me. But it's none less horrifying.

I remember a girl killed herself because she was gay and couldn't take how God must be disappointed in her.

[Longhorn]

Still kinda does

[Shining_Finger]

Not really, but I never was actually Religious.
If I was, I am almost certain it would.Now I just roll my eyes at the religious calling Atheists the things listed in my Signature.

[drfuzzy]

drfuzzy - I am so sorry to hear that.  That's awful.   Parents aren't supposed to make their kids feel broken.  They're supposed to make their kids feel safe and loved.  Unfortunately another thing that religion does is justify treating your children -- particularly kids who are gay -- so terribly.  Religion justifies so much.  As long as it is in the name of god, or according to the 'good book', no matter how terrible others think it might be, they're willing to do it.   It can take a long time to realize there's nothing wrong with you, and it's everyone else who think there is that has something wrong with them.

You're right that theists love to say "Atheists are angry at god."  Personally I like to say "If he exists, damn right I am."  Yes, if the Christian God exists, then I hate him.   Or rather, I hate his ways.  Because if he exists he is worthy of hate.  If he exists and does nothing to stop suffering, and then demands everyone to worship at his feet, then he can go to hell himself.  Because the worst sinner of all would be Yahweh himself.   If he can allow children to suffer just because they're gay, or because they want to go to school and learn, if he expects everyone to worship him when he does absolutely nothing and doesn't show himself to anyone, then he can go fuck himself.  On second thought, not such a good idea, it might start another religion based on hate masquerading as forgiveness and mercy.

Cecelia - thanks.  And it was a long time ago.  And there are a lot of parents out there (sigh) who do a lot of things parents aren't supposed to do.  We fight to heal ourselves, but we carry a big chunk of that little child around inside us for the rest of our lives.  

"If he exists, damn right I am."   --  ?!!  You know what, you're right.  I hadn't thought of it that way.  But yeah - - if the Christian god exists, and is watching all of the horrors being committed IN HIS NAME, EVERY FREAKING HOUR OF EVERY DAY (oops, sorry, but that just had to yell -) and is doing absolutely nothing to prevent them, he is a monster.  And if he sees what his church is doing to innocents and doesn't even inspire the preachers to speak out against it -    (What the hell am I saying?  Most of the preachers I knew growing up got "sent away" when they were caught raping the 14-year-old girls.  I don't think I have ever met a preacher who actually was a good human being.)

But when I stop ranting and raving, what I know is: the evil is religion.  The evil is the power-grasping humans behind religion, whose only real desire is to have control over others.  As you said, they have to convince you that you're broken, and that they have the answer.  It's the oldest con game in human history.

[Chad32]

I was told that I needed Jesus, and I knew I wasn't perfect, but no one tried to drill in me that I was evil or worthless or anything. There was a hymn that goes "to save a wretch like me", and I replaced the word wretch with boy. My church focused on building people up. Not breaking them down.

[abaris]

There was a hymn that goes "to save a wretch like me", and I replaced the word wretch with boy. My church focused on building people up. Not breaking them down.

Speaking of church songs, from an early age on we invented new vulgar lyrics for them and sang them at mass without anyone noticing.