Struggling with Catholic Partner

[Satch]

Hi All,

I'm a newbie here and signed up today as I'm seeking advice from anyone who may be (or may have been) in a similar situation to me.

I'm a 41 year old single Dad in Australia and 6 months ago I fell in love with a 40 year old single Mum. It's been a whirlwind honeymoon period for the both of us since then and we love each other heaps and both feel that things feel just right, but recently, a recurring topic keeps creeping into our conversations that we can't seem to get past. - Religion - When religion makes it into the conversation, I can't seem to (and don't want to) back down on my personal view that religion is a myth and I find myself in a 'Richard Dawkins' mode where I'm trying to disprove religion - but the response is always the same. "you are disrespecting me and my views" - and so the conversation ends with a stalemate and not a happy ending.

My partner is Catholic and is very involved in her big Catholic family and associated religious gatherings and is also a teacher in an elite Catholic school here in Sydney.

I am quite the opposite. I'm from a small family, non-religious, quite passionate about science and enjoy a robust debate and question the status quo. 

I've met some of the family who are great but I've been told by my partner that some will be quite dismissive due to my lack of faith.

I'm now questioning the future of our relationship as although I'm not intent on disproving religion, and have never had an issue with anyone who has religious beliefs, there are so many increasing references to religion that I am exposed to in our daily relationship and conversation that I find it hard to 'bite my tongue' and not voice my own views.

We have so much in common except our views on religion and aside from pretending that our views are not important - or don't exist - I can't see how we can get passed this important basis and foundation of our moral views.

I'd be very grateful for any advice or shared experiences from anyone reading this. I'm clutching at straws a little bit by signing up for this forum but I don't know how to try and resolve this.

Thanks
Paul

[Whateverist]

Yeah that seems pretty important to me. There are others here married to theists, but it seems to be the exceptional theist who is tolerant enough to make that work. Remember you have much less at stake in this than she does. For you it is all just silly stuff but she can never agree with that. It is certainly possible from your point of view so long as you are willing to emphasize your agnosticism. If you can recognize that you have no more proof that gods don't exist than she has that they do. But not every atheist is agnostic. If you are a gnostic atheist then I'd say forget it.

[robvalue]

Hey there, welcome to the forum

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think the only way forward is to agree not to talk about religion or related subjects at all. Both respect each other's beliefs (or lack of) and leave it at that. Of course, some people really can't do that, and if either of you cannot, it seems pretty doomed. I'd say cut your losses in that case.

Whether you can come to the same agreement with her family, I don't know. But staunch religious people and atheists are just never going to get along if one or the other continues to pick fights and bring it into every subject. If it's unavoidably coming up all the time, personally that is way more than I could put up with.

Best of luck I hope you both find happiness.

[Ben Davis]

Hi Paul, from the UK!

When you say 'resolve', what sort of resolution are you prepared to accept? I mean, there are a number of options there. If you want to stay with her, it seems likely that you'll have to accept keeping your views 'closeted' in some respects for the sake of the relationship. This could be one of those circumstances where you can love someone but still know it's wrong, in which case it's often better to end things sooner and reduce the damage.

I don't envy you your situation but I hope you get the support that you need.

[Whateverist]

Also, expect it to come up big time if you plan to have kids.

[Exian]

Hey there Satch!

Whateverist the White nailed it when he said she has more at stake than you. For you, it's all about biting your tongue and getting past that feeling of needing to get your digs in. For that, hanging out at atheistforums has helped me tons. I don't carry that shit around anymore because I feel the horse is dead and no longer needs beaten. I don't even feel like I'm biting my tongue anymore. I know I can always come here and get that out of my system, but I rarely feel the need anymore.

On her end, she will never have that out of her system. To her, time is running out for your soul. That isn't something you can control. You'll just have to trust that she will respect your views. If you can do that and make it through meetings with her family, then great!

You could always invite her here. We have a few examples of healthy relationships between atheists and theists (some not so healthy). Maye she can learn something about us and how to navigate a relationship with an atheist here. We had a certain catholic lady who came in with all sorts of questions at first, and now she's just a regular old friend. I think she either learned all she needed to learn or got bored/satisfied with that angle the same way that I did, and is now just hanging out with all the different relationships she has formed.

[robvalue]

Good point about the kids. That's something you can never come back from, and it's full of danger at every turn. I would highly recommend not having kids with a theist unless you're really sure they're not going to indoctrinate them. I can't imagine how horrific it must be to see your own children having their brains rotted.

[Exian]

Good point about the kids. That's something you can come back from, and it's full of danger at every turn. I would highly recommend not having kids with a theist unless you're really sure they're not going to indoctrinate them. I can't imagine how horrific it must be to see your own children having their brains rotted.

Well, that's the thing. They both already have kids. A nice charged conversation between two disagreeing adults is one thing. Letting either party's views seep into each other's children is entirely different. If that line can't be respected, it's a potential deal breaker.

[robvalue]

Ah yes, whoops! My apologies. I overlooked that.

Indeed, that makes it more complicated. I'd be much more inclined to end the relationship if a reasonably happy atmosphere can't be maintained at least most of the time. Bad home conditions can be incredibly damaging to children (I should know). And if she starts trying to indoctrinate them, well...

[Faith No More]

It's really not that difficult, granted you are with a Catholic that can actually respect your difference of belief. I started dating my Catholic wife nearly twenty years ago, and we've only had one issue ever when it came to religion. For the most part, we never discuss it. For one, my wife has somewhat admitted that she just wants to have her beliefs and is a bit afraid of incidentally being swayed by anything that may come up in conversation. I respect that, and if her beliefs don't get in the way of our relationship, I am totally fine with her believing in paradise after she dies.

The one time it did cause a problem, it had to do with our oldest son, but I straightened the situation out. We've agreed that neither of us is allowed to push what we believe on our kids, but we can tell them what we believe. It's a good compromise, and quite frankly, the best way to raise an atheist isn't to push your beliefs on them. You just have to teach them to think properly.

If you truly love this woman, you will be able to put aside your beliefs. The real problem is whether or not she will be able to do the same.