Opening up about being mentally ill

[Losty]

FNM I worried that this thread was going to stress me out, but it turned out to be really super awesome. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your life with us and creating this thread that has encouraged us to come out and come together and show so much love and support for one another. You are an inspiration!

[robvalue]

Thank you very much Thump, that means a lot to me

[Thumpalumpacus]

Thank you very much Thump, that means a lot to me

Thank you, brotha. Not all hard times share the cause of yours -- but your words right there are helping me through a hard time too, and you should know that.

[rexbeccarox]

Brakeman: I try to be positive in various ways:

1) Looking at what I have, rather than what I don't have

2) Trying to do things to lift my spirits

3) Focusing on the good in the world, and seeing how I can add to it, rather than focusing on bad things that I can't control

4) Accepting things how they are rather than railing against them

5) Trying to find humour in everything and to laugh

6) [This one is a bit difficult to explain] Attempting to aspire to be how I want myself to be, which is positive. I focus on the better parts of me and my thoughts, try to do positive actions, be helpful to people even when I feel like shit, and to hope that my subconscious will tend towards this better version of me. It seems to work. I guess it's a "positive attitude".

These are just a few examples, and they are personal, it's not supposed to be some get well quick scheme. It's a summary of how I have dealt with my depression, and how I've worked on my attitudes.

I totally agree that medication is not enough. I view medication as giving you the strength back to help yourself. It can put the balance back in your brain a little bit, so that you can seek help. The thing that has been key in my recent therapy, and which has given me somewhat of a breakthrough, is:

Even when you can't change things, you can change your attitude towards them.

(The following is a tangent, and I'm not sure where I was going with all of it, but as this is a thread bringing to light mental health issues, I thought I'd post it anyway. A small window into my brain in 3... 2... 1...)

I'm so glad this works for you, Rob. For me, though, that's the thing: I can't. I pretend all day, which exhausts me, and slowly makes everything worse because I can't change the way I feel, even when I try to fake it 'til I make it, which is a mantra I recite daily. Shit, my shitty seasonal retail job had me yelling at the people walking in, with a big, dopey smile, "Welcome to our perfect Christmas!!!," while squirting smelly stuff on them and selling bullshit at huge markups and telling them they're getting amazing deals... and I did it well and sort of enjoyed it on a couple of levels... it just makes me want to crawl into a hole when I'm done. Actually, I think part of what has caused my depression to sink deeper and deeper over the years is that I grew up in an atmosphere in which you have no choice but to fake it 'til you make it, and therefore, I've continued to harbor that attitude, whether I'm working in customer-service jobs or not. I just don't know how to be any other way, and it's really not me. I have no idea how to make it any different, though, since I have no idea how to even apply for jobs that don't require that from me.

I'm sorry; I know it works for you, Rob, and I'm really happy it does. I just wish I understood how you do it. You are a sweet and amazing soul, and I'm so glad you are who you are.

[robvalue]

Thump: that is wonderful, that makes me very happy to hear that I'm really glad it has helped!

Empress: I do understand, totally. It is a bit hard to explain, especially the last point. For me, it's not about pretending to be positive. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I try to pick out the parts of me I like the most, the parts of my brain which are saying good things, and move them to the foreground. Of course I don't expect that this will just magically work for anyone, and it had only a little effect for many years.

I don't at all advocate pretending to be something you're not, or to "put a brave face on". If you're feeling like shit, I think it's best to be honest about it and say so, where appropriate. This is where I get the confused remarks from people. I tell them how hard my life is, how depressed I am and how I sometimes just want to throw myself off a cliff, and they don't see it matching my persona. That's because I've sent the parts of my brain which tell me to behave that way to the back of the room, and to try not to listen to them.

I often speak about my depression as an entity, "my depression". Although obviously not literally true, I see it as an invader of sorts. A parasite. A bit of my brain that has been seized by a force that ultimately wants to destroy me. The problem is that my depression has full access to all of my brain, and so it is incredibly good at disguising itself as "normal" thought. It took me an awful long time to be able to tell the difference, but once I eventually managed it, I could highlight those thoughts as they appeared.

At my very worst, it felt like my depression controlled 99% of my brain/thoughts, leaving barely any of the "real me" in there. I felt utterly helpless. I don't know how I got through it, all I can say is that I fought against it tirelessly. With the help of medication, my wife and friends and therapy, I very slowly regained ground in my head. I was able to identify and "hold to account" thoughts in my head, to see which part of my brain they were coming from.

This is all just a story, it's my story. It's not at all meant as a "this is how you do it" method. I really do know how hard it is to fight depression, and you've been fighting it longer and harder than me. There never are easy answers. But every day you're still here, still fighting, you are winning! I'm sure we have both "turned down" thousands of easy exits. I wanted to die so badly that my brain was finding all kinds of insane justifications. It wanted my wife to die so that it wouldn't matter if I was here anymore. I wanted to get a terminal disease. I wanted to not have any responsibility for my actions. But just like me, you're here for others. I sincerely hope one day you'll be able to live for yourself a little bit, too Never write off the prospect!

As a general statement, in case it's not obvious, I'm not cured. Far from it. It's not black and white like that. It's about fighting for every inch you can reclaim.

[rexbeccarox]

Thanks for sharing, Rob

[Faith No More]

FNM I worried that this thread was going to stress me out, but it turned out to be really super awesome. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your life with us and creating this thread that has encouraged us to come out and come together and show so much love and support for one another. You are an inspiration!

Thank you, Losty. I'm glad this thread turned out like this, because I honestly had no idea what to expect.

It's good to see people having a discussion about this without fear. My hope is that one day telling people you have mental health issues will be no different that telling people you have diabetes, but that can't happen without people like everyone in this thread speaking up.

[robvalue]

One of the hardest things about depression is when you feel absolutely horrible for no apparent reason. For someone who has never experienced it, it can be very hard to understand. People are generally used to there being a trigger for feelings. With depression, for me at least, it can feel like the bottom of my world suddenly falls out. No reason, no warning. All I can do is hold on to anything I can to stop myself falling into the abyss. Eventually, it passes, and I return to what passes for "normal" in my life. Sometimes it is literally about sticking it out until the brain can get a grip again.

It's one of those invisible illnesses (I have two more, M.E. and Crohn's disease...) which thoughtless people dismiss as nothing because you don't have a broken arm to wave in their face.

[Faith No More]

You're just not putting in enough effort, Rob. Have you tried smiling more?

[*Deidre*]

One of my friends has been battling depression for a while, and he explained this to me, as well. That to look at his life, it all seems to be ‘going well,’ and there are days when he just doesn’t know why he feels so down, or in despair. Think that many people feel depression is just someone having a ‘down set of days,’ or something, but it is a despairing type of feeling, I’ve come to learn from him, and others I’ve known who have battled it. Faith no more, offering support and encouragement, we’re all on this journey called life together.