I am writing this story as an 18 year old boy who wants to believe that there is no God, but deep down inside I still have that niggling fear eating away at me that death may not be the end, and I may end up in a less than pleasant place. I located this website in an attempt to fight off this creature eating away at me and these forums, and you good people, give me the opportunity to let out my feelings and any help and support that you could give me would be very much appreciated. I’ll try my best not to ramble on and you must appreciate that some memories are a bit of a blur, but I would be grateful if you would continue reading my story.
I was never religious, nor did the fear of religion ever enter my mind. It was something that I ignored and the idea of a supreme being, or an afterlife never crossed my young mind. As far as I can remember I was happy and somewhat outgoing. However, about 5 or 6 years ago, I cannot remember exactly, I lay in my bed flicking through the channels on my television when I came across a programme which was based on an apparently true story of the possession of a young boy by the devil. I was frightened by the programme and I knew that I should have turned the channel over, or turned off the TV and rolled over and gone to sleep, but I was glued. When the credits rolled I wouldn’t say I was gripped with fear, rather there was that little voice in the back of my head that this was all real – of course, I was only young, about 12, and what was I to believe? I anxiously turned out the light and eventually went off to sleep.
The months after this event are a blur but I remember becoming increasingly attached to the idea that there is a God, a christian god, who would protect me from the insecurities of life and more importantly death. I prayed to ‘him’ every night before I went to bed and searched for stories and other material on the internet that would solidify my belief and make me more secure about my future. At this point in my life I was very much interested in a girl at my school. I had fancied her for a while. After developing into a religious person I persuaded myself that the only way that I could be with her was to convert her to be a christian. Even though I never had the guts to confront her about this, or even ask her out, I still believed that someday it would happen. Looking back, my religious beliefs held me back from being with the girl I should have been with and even to this day I regret it. Everyone commented on how perfect we would have been. However, in this period, I was much happier than I was to be in the next few years – that was when my roller coaster really began.
One day, when I was searching through the internet I stumbled across a site, which claimed to be ‘the’ church which taught ‘the’ proper christian religion. It was called something like ‘The Reformed Church of God’. From the homepage I was directed to hundreds of detailed articles preaching the ‘true’ word of God. This website intrigued me and I was back day after day for a few months. Needless to say, over the next few months, these doctrines and beliefs became embedded into me. I was particularly comforted by the doctrine that ‘bad’ people are destroyed forever, rather than living eternally in ‘hell’ which persuaded me to believe the ideas on the site. However, there were other beliefs that were less than pleasant and I remember becoming more unhappy about life. I thought ‘what is the point of doing anything? – I’ll be dead someday and with God’. This was about 4 years ago, and the memories are a blur but I remember feeling down all the time. During this time my and ‘the girl’ grew increasingly apart and I started to become much more introverted. But the very worst was still to come.
I knew this website was damaging to me and eventually I searched the internet for help with my issue. I soon discovered that this set of doctrines was actually called ‘Armstrongism’ (anyone heard of it?) and there were many websites that were designed specifically for the purpose of aiding people who had been damaged by this cult. Before I knew it these old beliefs of Armstrongism were behind me and I was back to believing in the all loving God that would protect me when I died. I felt happier again and I thought that he dips and twists of my emotional roller coaster were over. However, this was only the beginning. A month later I began coming increasingly obsessed by the idea of a hell. I searched the internet for information that might put my mind at rest, but it only added to my insecurities. I uncovered damning religious articles that made me feel helpless. Over the next few months I felt suicidal, although I knew I couldn’t kill myself because I would go to hell. I was in a state worse than suicidal. As I write this I am remembering some of those feelings and they were unbearable. I remember crying every night knowing that a fiery inferno awaited me. I remember telling my parents that I wish I had never been born. I was in a very bad mental state and my parents were concerned (my parents knew nothing about my religious beliefs). Eventually, my mum confronted me and demanded that I told her what was wrong. I cried, and cried but I didn’t want to say. Eventually I told my mum what was happening to me. She immediately suspected that I had been influenced by a religious cult and she said I should show her what I had been reading on the internet. I turned on the computer and opened up the web pages I had been influenced by. She was shocked and claimed that it was extremely important that my Dad knew about this. However, I was scared about what my dad would think of me. Even thought my dad is caring, he doesn’t always show it with sympathy. I was embarrassed about what he might think. My mum agreed that if I got better, he wouldn’t know about it. However, I didn’t get much better and eventually I was confronted by my dad one night – my mum had told him when he came in from work. He was very concerned and sat next to me on my bed. I was laying down feeling awful. But what he did was give the most caring ‘speech’ I had ever heard. He comforted me and I felt safe – safer than any god could make me feel. After he left I laid down and felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was saved, and I could forget about god and religion and hell and all the other things that had plagued me and eaten away at me. I really was saved.
For the next few months I was back to my old, old self. I was happy, outgoing and fear never crossed my mind. However, very slowly I was becoming more spiritual, rather than religious. I read on the internet about near death experiences and out of body experiences. One time my mum caught me, and demanded I turn off the computer. I did, but I was soon back on the site. Soon after I stumbled across a story of a near death experience of hell and some of the feelings were coming back to me – but thankfully only some. These feelings continued for the next few months, but thankfully never got any worse. Again I became increasingly introverted, because I was so caught up with a niggling fear of death in my mind – I saw no point in socialising. This period is a blur in my mind. I cannot remember how I got rid of these feelings but eventually they just faded away because I was so determined that I wouldn’t go through what I had previously. Slowly and slowly I began to forget about religion and god and my fear of death seemed to be gone.
And that brings me to present day. Today I never search the internet for religious sites because they do not interest me. I am an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I don’t pray. However, I feel a bit of the past still deeply embedded in my mind. If I am home alone and I hear a noise, I think about my past beliefs. Even as I write this I feel fear, although quite small, it is there. When I walk at night and a thought of god comes across my mind I become anxious. Subconsciously some scars remain. The biggest scar is still my fear of death. I do not think about it but if someone was to say that I was to die in 5 minutes I am sure I would be gripped with fear – fear of the unknown? Fear of hell? I don’t know. But I do know that somewhere deep in my mind the thought of death still conjures up fears and it is these fears that I want to eliminate once and for all, even though they are only niggling fears. It was for this reason that I searched for this site, and wrote this story. I wanted to let out some of my feelings hoping that it may just help. I wanted to find people who could support me. I also wanted to warn others. Again I must emphasise that any help and support you could give me about overcoming this fear that I still have about death would be very, very much appreciated. Thank You very much for taking your time to read my story. I am very grateful to you good people, kind regards, Tom.
I was never religious, nor did the fear of religion ever enter my mind. It was something that I ignored and the idea of a supreme being, or an afterlife never crossed my young mind. As far as I can remember I was happy and somewhat outgoing. However, about 5 or 6 years ago, I cannot remember exactly, I lay in my bed flicking through the channels on my television when I came across a programme which was based on an apparently true story of the possession of a young boy by the devil. I was frightened by the programme and I knew that I should have turned the channel over, or turned off the TV and rolled over and gone to sleep, but I was glued. When the credits rolled I wouldn’t say I was gripped with fear, rather there was that little voice in the back of my head that this was all real – of course, I was only young, about 12, and what was I to believe? I anxiously turned out the light and eventually went off to sleep.
The months after this event are a blur but I remember becoming increasingly attached to the idea that there is a God, a christian god, who would protect me from the insecurities of life and more importantly death. I prayed to ‘him’ every night before I went to bed and searched for stories and other material on the internet that would solidify my belief and make me more secure about my future. At this point in my life I was very much interested in a girl at my school. I had fancied her for a while. After developing into a religious person I persuaded myself that the only way that I could be with her was to convert her to be a christian. Even though I never had the guts to confront her about this, or even ask her out, I still believed that someday it would happen. Looking back, my religious beliefs held me back from being with the girl I should have been with and even to this day I regret it. Everyone commented on how perfect we would have been. However, in this period, I was much happier than I was to be in the next few years – that was when my roller coaster really began.
One day, when I was searching through the internet I stumbled across a site, which claimed to be ‘the’ church which taught ‘the’ proper christian religion. It was called something like ‘The Reformed Church of God’. From the homepage I was directed to hundreds of detailed articles preaching the ‘true’ word of God. This website intrigued me and I was back day after day for a few months. Needless to say, over the next few months, these doctrines and beliefs became embedded into me. I was particularly comforted by the doctrine that ‘bad’ people are destroyed forever, rather than living eternally in ‘hell’ which persuaded me to believe the ideas on the site. However, there were other beliefs that were less than pleasant and I remember becoming more unhappy about life. I thought ‘what is the point of doing anything? – I’ll be dead someday and with God’. This was about 4 years ago, and the memories are a blur but I remember feeling down all the time. During this time my and ‘the girl’ grew increasingly apart and I started to become much more introverted. But the very worst was still to come.
I knew this website was damaging to me and eventually I searched the internet for help with my issue. I soon discovered that this set of doctrines was actually called ‘Armstrongism’ (anyone heard of it?) and there were many websites that were designed specifically for the purpose of aiding people who had been damaged by this cult. Before I knew it these old beliefs of Armstrongism were behind me and I was back to believing in the all loving God that would protect me when I died. I felt happier again and I thought that he dips and twists of my emotional roller coaster were over. However, this was only the beginning. A month later I began coming increasingly obsessed by the idea of a hell. I searched the internet for information that might put my mind at rest, but it only added to my insecurities. I uncovered damning religious articles that made me feel helpless. Over the next few months I felt suicidal, although I knew I couldn’t kill myself because I would go to hell. I was in a state worse than suicidal. As I write this I am remembering some of those feelings and they were unbearable. I remember crying every night knowing that a fiery inferno awaited me. I remember telling my parents that I wish I had never been born. I was in a very bad mental state and my parents were concerned (my parents knew nothing about my religious beliefs). Eventually, my mum confronted me and demanded that I told her what was wrong. I cried, and cried but I didn’t want to say. Eventually I told my mum what was happening to me. She immediately suspected that I had been influenced by a religious cult and she said I should show her what I had been reading on the internet. I turned on the computer and opened up the web pages I had been influenced by. She was shocked and claimed that it was extremely important that my Dad knew about this. However, I was scared about what my dad would think of me. Even thought my dad is caring, he doesn’t always show it with sympathy. I was embarrassed about what he might think. My mum agreed that if I got better, he wouldn’t know about it. However, I didn’t get much better and eventually I was confronted by my dad one night – my mum had told him when he came in from work. He was very concerned and sat next to me on my bed. I was laying down feeling awful. But what he did was give the most caring ‘speech’ I had ever heard. He comforted me and I felt safe – safer than any god could make me feel. After he left I laid down and felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was saved, and I could forget about god and religion and hell and all the other things that had plagued me and eaten away at me. I really was saved.
For the next few months I was back to my old, old self. I was happy, outgoing and fear never crossed my mind. However, very slowly I was becoming more spiritual, rather than religious. I read on the internet about near death experiences and out of body experiences. One time my mum caught me, and demanded I turn off the computer. I did, but I was soon back on the site. Soon after I stumbled across a story of a near death experience of hell and some of the feelings were coming back to me – but thankfully only some. These feelings continued for the next few months, but thankfully never got any worse. Again I became increasingly introverted, because I was so caught up with a niggling fear of death in my mind – I saw no point in socialising. This period is a blur in my mind. I cannot remember how I got rid of these feelings but eventually they just faded away because I was so determined that I wouldn’t go through what I had previously. Slowly and slowly I began to forget about religion and god and my fear of death seemed to be gone.
And that brings me to present day. Today I never search the internet for religious sites because they do not interest me. I am an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I don’t pray. However, I feel a bit of the past still deeply embedded in my mind. If I am home alone and I hear a noise, I think about my past beliefs. Even as I write this I feel fear, although quite small, it is there. When I walk at night and a thought of god comes across my mind I become anxious. Subconsciously some scars remain. The biggest scar is still my fear of death. I do not think about it but if someone was to say that I was to die in 5 minutes I am sure I would be gripped with fear – fear of the unknown? Fear of hell? I don’t know. But I do know that somewhere deep in my mind the thought of death still conjures up fears and it is these fears that I want to eliminate once and for all, even though they are only niggling fears. It was for this reason that I searched for this site, and wrote this story. I wanted to let out some of my feelings hoping that it may just help. I wanted to find people who could support me. I also wanted to warn others. Again I must emphasise that any help and support you could give me about overcoming this fear that I still have about death would be very, very much appreciated. Thank You very much for taking your time to read my story. I am very grateful to you good people, kind regards, Tom.
